I finally made a formal complaint about a bullying coworker

[namechangedforthis24]

I’ve been struggling for months with a coworker who’s made my work life incredibly difficult, and today I finally made a formal complaint. She’s belittling, patronising, and constantly talks down to me and others as if we're stupid. She often makes sarcastic comments when I ask work-related questions and seems to take pleasure in making me feel small. This is the second complaint made against her this year. My previous colleague left because of it and we were previously warned when starting the job that she is difficult to work with.

On top of that, she’s passive-aggressive, does a nasty sarcastic smile whilst saying something not particularly nice. To make things worse, she’s made personal, patronising remarks about my appearance.

Has anyone ever had an experience like this? I'm now regretting my actions as I feel my job could be put on the line as I've opened a can of worms. Management has protected her for years and made excuses for her but I've had enough.

I've worked in really toxic environments. What I've noticed is that it's invariably bad management.

The management are bullies themselves and attract a cohort of bullies or they encourage a bullying culture. What then happens is that people join in the bullying because they don't want to be bullied or they leave. The workplace is then a cesspit.

My advice to anyone being bullied is to go the formal route if that's possible or leave as it's so damaging to mental health.

I hope it works out for you OP.

She sounds awful. I imagine she presents a completely different face to your manager, doesn't she?

I think that was a brave thing to do. Try for the life you want or you are unlikely to get it.

Is management on your side? The fact that you were warned about her I think speaks volumes. They know she's a problem, but it's easier to ignore than to deal with. So I wouldn't hold up much hope actually. I'd be updating my CV and LinkedIn.

Think about what a good, reasonable outcome looks like for you and say what you want. Give specifics with times/dates and verbatim of what she said and if there are any witnesses. Say how it made you feel. Make clear the company has a legal duty of care to protect employees from bullying and the onus is on them to resolve and not brush under a carpet.

My manager was the one who originally warned me at the beginning she's 'difficult' to work with. Another manager who I'm close too has also witnessed it. She doesn't just speak like it to me, but to others too. I've asked this manager if I can mention her and she said yes, so I think she can back me up.
My previous colleague went through the exact same thing. Other colleagues have also said she's not good working with other people so it's not like management don't know.
I just feel guilty and worried I will look like a shit stirrer

You won't look like a shit stirrer, you just say your bit about you but let them interview witnesses and others for their own version of events. It shouldn't have taken you to raise a complaint for them to take action. This should have been nipped in the bud rather than fester, you've been let down.

I've worked with someone like this myself and know of a number of friends who've experienced similar, and the common theme is that management never intervened. They say all the right things, but never have the balls to get involved. I doubt it will get better. My advice would be to leave and find a job with a better culture.

I will never understand why management let some people get away with murder but other are told off for the smallest things

Do you work for my ex SIL? She's exactly the same, gone through official disciplinary hearings etc but because no one else wants her job she's untouchable.
I hate that managemebt are taking a 'better the devil you know' approach at your work and keeping them onboard despite the fact that I'm sure she has caused no end of drama and surely caused a number of staff to leave.

You’re right to make the complaint. Are you in the US or U.K. ? Knowing this will help people give you more specific advice.

It’s important you continue to document the behaviour and ensure your management is aware of it. As they continue to do nothing about the situation.

If you are in the U.K. I suggest calling citizens advice. If you have legal coverage on your renters or home owners policy (which I highly recommend) you can also get legal advice through this avenue.

You aren’t a “shit stirrer” you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity at work.

You need to have documented well enough if you ever want to take them to a work tribunal. Which they will try and avoid don’t threaten this, but keep it in mind.

I would also just start looking for another job. If she’s behaving this way and getting away with it then this isn’t going to change.

I worked with someone who was ‘difficult’ once. In her case I don’t believe she necessarily set out to offend, she just managed to rub everyone the wrong way, and really upset them.
Her manager confided in me that there were multiple complaints about her, but as it was her ‘personality’ that was the problem, she didn’t know what she could do.

Finally the ‘difficult’ worker offered to resign (after being told about the multiple complaints ), I think she was expecting to be told she was so good at her job the company didn’t want to lose her, but they accepted her resignation and she left to great relief to us all.

Sounds like a woman I worked with and like another poster said management enabled it, in fact my line manager pushed for her recruitment knowing she was a violent bully. Sometimes you have to get out.

My IL are like that, drives me nuts... they however genuinely think its 'normal' behavior.

They are completely unaware they are passive aggressive, controlling and everyone is on egg shells but if you try to mention it they deny or act like victims.

It's VERY unhealthy but they literally are in complete denial that they even do it.

They think they did nothing wrong. They don't EVER raise voices, shout, swear, physically fight, talk back etc... (if anyone dares responds to a nasty comment then THEY are the one picking a fight apparently) so they couldn't possibly believe they are abusive.

Its easier just to step back and avoid the dysfunction.

So true.

I ended up being signed off with anxiety because of an unsavoury colleague. Management know what this person is like, they have been spoken to them in the past, but the behaviour never changes, and nothing will be done.

I'm planning to leave because it's affecting life outside work.

@namechangedforthis24 you are half way there! you have reported her for bullying! now, take her to task in public! next time she says anything remotely bullying to you stand up for yourself and tell her to back off with the bullying because you are fed up of her attitude! bet you that no one has answered back to her and she feels she can get away with it!

If management have been protecting her for years they'll do nothing about the complaint, it will just be filed away. At most there will be a short pointless meeting.

What were you hoping would happen?

Sometimes it just takes one person to effect change. Good for you for taking a stand. 👏

my experience, as a manager who inherited bullies and dealt with them, is that the previous managers are weak and get bullied themselves. That's not excusing them, if you can't do the job them you shouldn't be in it.

As posters have already said, its down to poor management,
they are either to scared to do anything,
they are enchanted by them,
friends with them

Lets face it, anyone that says X is difficult to work with, its just them, its not personal etc. and knows that people have left because of them are truly incompetent at managing.

her manager was wrong. What can be dealt with in the disciplinary process is not the personality but the objectively reported behaviour.

You’ve absolutely done the right thing. I’m going to say that unfortunately, nothing will change if her unprofessional behaviour has already been allowed to continue and the management already warned you. They’re weak and should clearly have dealt with her years ago. Is she so valuable to the organisation that they won’t risk losing her, they prefer to lose others?

I sadly put up with a colleague like this for years stupidly. Management protected her disgusting behaviour towards me and other team members and made non stop excuses for her or ignored complaints made against her as they where scared of her. I ended up leaving my role and have heard she’s still exactly the same nasty toxic person still getting away with her narcissistic behaviour. These people will never change so id get out of there as they are impossible to work alongside. Sorry your experiencing this as it is not nice at all to put up with 💐

People like this are a nightmare to work with and it is very tiresome having to pander to their behaviour to keep things running smoothly. The only problem with making formal complaints is that they don’t usually result in the person leaving so you end up having to work with a pissed off bully. The fact that she has had previous complaints may mean they actually do something about it though.

I did, she was a terrible bully and because I didn't run off and cry at the appropriate moments she claimed I was bullying her (by just being reasonable, offering explanations why I couldn't do something and offering reasonable suggestions to complete the job more effectively and with better results). Terrible aren't I. She responded by pulling out even more toxic behaviour than I'd been on the end of previously. She was in a different team and on the same level as me.

I was asked to make a formal complaint which I refused as others had received much worse treatment from her. In the end HR convinced me to make a formal complaint so they had reason to hold meetings and put in measures because everyone else was too scared to do it. So as her behaviour towards me became worse over time I ended up making the complaint because someone had to do something.

In the end after making her closest colleagues live a complete nightmare, one went off sick, another left citing her as the issue, she ended up being given with one more chance. She resigned at this point rather than be sacked. She just couldn't accept she was the bully. I understand from colleagues who were close to her that she was seeing a solicitor and threatening legal action for being managed out. The solicitor didn't take her case.

No one was told I'd made the complaint, she never even guessed, all her work friends were trying to find out for her but I was told not to say it was me, otherwise I would have, happily. The only issue for me was all the slagging off of me in her department and to the public in general that she'd been doing for 3 years anyway meant I had to build all those relationships all over again. After all when you are in special measures why not carry on your toxic behaviour, it's not like HR were watching or others not reporting toxic behaviour secretly behind your back to HR. Took a long time for her old colleagues to realise she was the problem not me but I just kept plugging away, just being friendly and acting like a colleague rather than a mad woman.

So good for you in making a stand, too many people let this crap slide.