Looking for help from assertive women

[Unrulyrabbit]

I'm looking for help from any assertive women, especially those who know how to be assertive in corporate environments where you can't just tell people to f/off (as much as you might like to). If you mentor or coach and feel you can help please feel free to p/m me.

I have been involved in a project for about 10 days, overseas on site. I have worked for my company for about a decade, believe I am reasonably well respected and good at collaborating with a range of people. Since I arrived in this situation, a man seems to have singled out and targeted me. I am also neurodivergent, don't always understand what is going on and may be completely missing something that is obvious.

To describe what he is doing, we had worked together on zoom for several months, so not complete strangers. Since I arrived in the first day he approached me, began to sit next to me and tell me things. That I shouldn't be on the project, that I should work on site A (which is very crowded and I wouldn't be helping) rather than where he is. Lots of things that tell me or infer my professional competency of 20 years is in question, and he knows better. Lots about his relationship with our CEO and his influence there. No matter where I sit, he finds me and starts telling me all of this. Also about his skills with people, in climbing the corporate ladder and do on.

At first I engaged, politely and nicely thinking he was making conversation. It's like this almost gave him permission to get meaner. I'm so tired of it after a week. I've been avoiding him, and the restaurant we all go to to eat. I've stopped engaging when he tried to talk to me. I wish I had done that sooner.

I've become really upset that someone feels they can treat me this way, and wondering what I did wrong and what I should do differently next time. How do you shut puerile like this down, in a corporate space, without being accused of being rude yourself.

If it matters he's over 60, so the boomer generation.

Ok. Calling someone the "boomer" generation isn't cool and downright rude and agest, so if that's how you come across is he just asserting himself?

Ask him his opinion but then close the conversation with "thank you for your input its been really helpful along with others suggestions moving forward... we will go with "x" plan

But boomer is a generation. So is gen x, and millennial, and generally, and gen alpha. It isn't derogatory, it is an objective fact. We use these terms all the time including in our marketing.

Using 'boomer' in your way isn't rude.

Do you have an up line in your usual location you could discuss this with?

I meant to say, I'm sorry you've found yourself in such a horrible situation. A week can feel like a very long time in such a horrible environment. I hope you have met some decent people as well.

He's bullying you. He seems to have deliberately targeted you and he's undermining you.

I would start keeping a diary of his behaviour; what he said and when. I would avoid him wherever possible for example, don't sit near him at lunch, if he tries to sit near you get up and move somewhere else.

If he sits near you in the office, tell him you'd love to chat but have a lot of work to do right now. Get up for a tea or to go to the loo, hopefully he'll have gone, if not, insist you're busy. Basically, do whatever it takes to close him down politely and professionally.

If I want to avoid someone else I do one or a combination of the following things - wear headphones while working, stand up when they approach, find someone else i need to approach "oh there's John, I've been meaning to ask him something", bring someone else nearby into the conversation, "interesting that you think that of site A, Sarah what are your thoughts on it' or send them to someone else, "I think Peter is quite interested in ways of influencing people, perhaps he'd like to chat to you about it?"

I'm sorry this is happening though, it feels incredibly frustrating.

And your use of bommer is fine, it is a valid description. Just like the names of all other generations.

Your instincts are spot on.

This is nothing to do with your ND. There are many weird people who are bullies and "solo woman" is a prime target for them.

I'd say the impact your ND has is that you're thinking there's something wrong with YOU when he is the weirdo here.

- Grey rock. Can you have a sick episode, how long are you actually there for? Have you got allies or colleagues you can sit with?

- Intense with intense.

You know when you go to a shop and there's an annoying person who talks shit?

That's now your new personality.

Ask who his mums name is and where he went to school and then ask what his GCSEs are and what his favourite colour is. Then ask more questions, if he preferred maths or English .... Then start asking "what's 25 times 4".

I assume you're classy and professional in your mannerisms...bring out your inner weirdo.

Approach him first and start talking loudly about his Fun Crazy Outfit even if it's a suit. Start using phrases like "you're so MENTAL" in a high pitched voice.

If you see him first zoom in on him and insist on taking a selfie with him.

Don't give him a moment of peace. Don't let him control the vibe.

Get loads of memes on your phone (photos of kittens and babies and Christian quotes) and insist on showing them to him.

If you have his phone number send him a photo of a kitten in a basket every few minutes. Don't respond to anything he says, just keep sending the kitten.

Start talking about your relatives and make up long, boring, stupid stories.

Read something really stupid and inane online and then have a monologue on how interesting it is ready to talk to him.

If he tries to change topic of conversation then smile and switch straight back to Whether Or Not Cardi B is hot or not.

Give him a nickname and use it again and again. Make up a rhyming phrase with it in.

Keep saying "you're just like my new uncle buncle wuncle" to him. Be WEIRD.

A lot of people with awful pushy manners love polite people as they think they are submissive.

So go opposite. Change the dynamic. If he says about work go "beep beep bonk me is bad" at him. If you see he's ordered macaroni for dinner start bombarding him with questions about the macaroni.

You're not criticising him or actually being aggressive so there's nothing HR can do.

Other colleagues really won't give a shit if it's not affecting them. Act normal with them.

You want him avoiding and being scared of YOU by the end of the stay.

You could try just locking eyes with him, saying ' can I just stop you there?' and turning away from him. Offer no other explanation, be firm, and move away and f necessary. He will hopefully be wrong-footed and won't know how to proceed. Repeat the phrase if necessary.
It's assertive, but not rude.

I'd embrace the ND.
Why are you telling me this?
That's not your decision, if you have a problem you need to take it up with x.
I didn't ask for your opinion.

He’s a mansplainer, OP. And he definitely has an agenda.

Thank you all. TheEagerHare those are hilarious, a new level of crazy :)

Just don’t engage. Tell him if he has concerns about your competence he needs to speak to your manager, and repeat as often as necessary.

All is see here is a man bullying and harassing you, and who probably feels threatened by you- which is his problem.

Find your companies policy in bullying and harassment

I would be saying very directly to him I'm not interested in your views and I consider this behaviour to be harassment and I will be reporting it via the company policy on harassment.

"I'm going to stop you there Nigel - I have no interest in you or your opinions". If he continues waffling on - cock your head to one side and say - "Did you not hear what I said Nigel - do I need to repeat myself until you understand"?

No one uses boomer in marketing, that’s only used when talking demographics or target market, you don’t actually write it on the adverts. Surely? Maybe you’ve misunderstood why people use classifications in marketing ?

you don’t need to give both his age then explain to us his generation. 60s is enough,

just excuse yourself and move away each time, don’t engage. If he comes over say excuse me, go talk to another colleague or get a coffeee,. Or say I’m sorry need to get on with this, rinse and repeat.

Yeah don’t do that, makes you a right srsehole and just as bad as him. It’s not a race to the bottom. As Michelle Obama said, when they go low, you go high, ,,,you don’t got lower as this poster is suggesting. Keep it classy.

I do hear what you’re saying but this is so insidious it is nearly impossible to prove.

'Give it a rest Derek.'

'Why do you persist in trying to run me down, Derek?'

'I hope you don't speak to female clients, the way you speak to me!'

'There is nothing you can say Derek that is going to make me feel inferior to you Derek, so you may as well give up with the snarky comments.'

'You get on with your job and I'll get on with mine as you're becoming a pain the ass by singling me out for your unwanted attention and sole purpose of running me down.'

I got this quite a bit when I first started a contract particuarly in my 20s

All I would say is, "If you have a complaint about my work, please see my manager and discuss it with them." and don't engage in any further conversation about it, just rinse and repeat.

This twat is clearly threatened by your ability or skillset. He's trying to put you down to big himself up. It's insecurity.

Please don't use any of the PA suggestions on this thread. Direct is best.

"I feel like we've been over this, Steve and I've heard you loud and clear. Can we discuss X project, otherwise I've got to go and do X thing."

Please don't use any of the tactics that @TheEagerHare suggests. They're not professional and all you'll do is give him plenty of ammunition to complain about your behaviour. Which he will.

Stick to "if you've got any complaints about my work or why I'm here, speak to xx.." rinse and repeat. That's all you need to do. Cool, calm and above all professional.

I'm sorry you're being treated so appallingly by this ridiculous man. Just remember, your company wouldn't have sent you there if your skills and expertise weren't needed. You could even tell him that if he questions your presence again.

Hope the next week goes quickly and you meet some likeminded people to make your travels more enjoyable.

The fact that he's always latching onto you says more about him than it does about you. He clearly has no one at Site A who puts up with listening to his drivel!

No it isn't. Boomer is the official name of that generation, short for baby boomer from the post war generation. It's not being used as a rudeness or an insult by OP. That you take it as such shows you have a problem.

I’m possibly on the spectrum (I have 3 boys with asd) and find it takes an awful lot of mental bandwidth not to be brutally blunt. I’d definitely up my inner weirdo around him. I might save some of that bandwidth and let the blunt out. Definitely switch the conversation around to my special interest.

and any comments about where I “should be” would be met with a hard stare and some straightforward talking. I’d probably get in some sly digs about bullies too.

Write down some responses and then strike out unnecessary words. When he says “you are not able “, you say “well, I am” and say No. More. Absolute minimum of words. Every extra word increases wiggle room on his side.

Women say lots of words, men don’t. Don’t say lots of words.

I am a big fan of a good silence when used at the right time. It got me a set of sheets in the bed shop once.

Yes, but unfortunately, 'boomer' is mostly used in a derogatory way, and is now regarded as an insult.

Anyway, in answer to your question, you need to report his behaviour to your manager and ask them how to handle it. Copy in HR.