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Looking for help from assertive women

32 replies

Unrulyrabbit · 26/09/2024 16:16

I'm looking for help from any assertive women, especially those who know how to be assertive in corporate environments where you can't just tell people to f/off (as much as you might like to). If you mentor or coach and feel you can help please feel free to p/m me.

I have been involved in a project for about 10 days, overseas on site. I have worked for my company for about a decade, believe I am reasonably well respected and good at collaborating with a range of people. Since I arrived in this situation, a man seems to have singled out and targeted me. I am also neurodivergent, don't always understand what is going on and may be completely missing something that is obvious.

To describe what he is doing, we had worked together on zoom for several months, so not complete strangers. Since I arrived in the first day he approached me, began to sit next to me and tell me things. That I shouldn't be on the project, that I should work on site A (which is very crowded and I wouldn't be helping) rather than where he is. Lots of things that tell me or infer my professional competency of 20 years is in question, and he knows better. Lots about his relationship with our CEO and his influence there. No matter where I sit, he finds me and starts telling me all of this. Also about his skills with people, in climbing the corporate ladder and do on.

At first I engaged, politely and nicely thinking he was making conversation. It's like this almost gave him permission to get meaner. I'm so tired of it after a week. I've been avoiding him, and the restaurant we all go to to eat. I've stopped engaging when he tried to talk to me. I wish I had done that sooner.

I've become really upset that someone feels they can treat me this way, and wondering what I did wrong and what I should do differently next time. How do you shut puerile like this down, in a corporate space, without being accused of being rude yourself.

If it matters he's over 60, so the boomer generation.

OP posts:
Beamur · 27/09/2024 14:11

TheSandgroper · 27/09/2024 14:03

Write down some responses and then strike out unnecessary words. When he says “you are not able “, you say “well, I am” and say No. More. Absolute minimum of words. Every extra word increases wiggle room on his side.

Women say lots of words, men don’t. Don’t say lots of words.

I am a big fan of a good silence when used at the right time. It got me a set of sheets in the bed shop once.

I would go with this.
He's the problem, not you.
I'd guess he's feeling a bit undermined or threatened by you in some way so he's trying to move you off his turf, with a bit of suggesting he has influence higher up.
Politely shut down his suggestions. Don't feel the need to explain anything and the suggestion to use silence is excellent. Don't fall into the trap of trying to fill any awkward gaps. Only say what you need to say. You can choose when to end the conversation.

Rickrolypoly · 27/09/2024 14:14

The next time he says something that makes you feel uncomfortable just say
"I'm not comfortable with this conversation" or "this conversation is not appropriate in a work environment", then pause and see what he does.
If he continues, just get up and walk away.

You don't have to sit there and listen to him, you are not under arrest.

Even if someone if more senior to you, you are not obliged to stay in a situation where you are being disrespected or made to feel uncomfortable.

wildfellhall · 27/09/2024 14:19

Definitely make a note of every interaction.

This is really out of order.

Is there anyone who's informal advice you could ask?

It's not necessarily the age of this person which is key - as I have worked with gold plated t**ts of every age.

If you are legally employed with a contract and this person isn't your manager then they have no right to pressure you about where you are.

coxesorangepippin · 27/09/2024 14:44

Is English his first language?

Are you in a country where women are habitually spoken down to??

You need to take this fella to the cleaners op

Lots of hard stares, solid 'no' etc.

Whoyoutakingto · 27/09/2024 16:49

I would be more direct and just all him out. “ Do you have a problem with me?” “No, then please let me just get on with my job, yes put it in writing to HR as I will be doing as I feel your harassing me.”

Unrulyrabbit · 27/09/2024 17:46

Thanks, some really useful suggestions in here.

Since writing my original post I've generally avoided being anywhere he might be, and where he starts talking to me like this have limited my answers to 2-3 words and gone silent. I got the impression this confused him, if he had continued he would have been monologuing with himself, and he went quiet

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 27/09/2024 17:53

He's threatened by you and this is bullying. I'd respond flatly to any of his suggestions with "I'll speak to (the name of your line manager)" and keep avoiding him.

I hate a lazy arse once who thought I would do someone else's entire job as well as my own. I said repeatedly I'd speak to my line manager. I didn't do any of the work.

Your instincts are spot on.

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