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Original poster

How to learn to give zero fucks

41 replies

Wanttogivezerofs · 26/09/2024 13:30

Or just not to let insignificant things bother me. Have nc for this.

have had a few years of absolute shit and survived. I want to be grateful and not swear the small stuff or just let things go that really aren’t worth it.

two examples. Have a new job that I love. A dick head started same time as me in a peer position. Talks down to me and abundantly clear he is all hot air an no substance. How do I let him dig his own holes and not take credit for me, whilst at the same time not caring he is an arsehole. I want this job to be long term for me, not to come home and wake up in night thinking about said arsehole.

a neighbour built an extension that is built in our garden by 10cm. Realistically that doesn’t impact us as we have space to absorb but found myself getting wound up as he was an arsehole about went we pointed out.

ii just don’t want to let people get to me anymore. I’ve lost two parents, had a bad time I my marriage and been really ill. Got through all that and want to be happy but can’t seem to let things go’

any ideas?

OP posts:
Peaceloveandhappiness · 26/09/2024 13:56

Just keep giving zero fucks, practice it over and over. After time it gets easier and more second nature. Imagine just letting go and a feeling of peace, good luck.

Fernhurst · 26/09/2024 14:18

I found in my 40s I cared a lot less and by my 50s post menopause I reached full zero fucks status. Very liberating

Original poster
Wanttogivezerofs · 26/09/2024 14:21

Am mid 40s so hoping it comes soon!

trying for balance of standing up for myself and knowing when not to actually care is quite tricky!

OP posts:
celerymunch · 26/09/2024 14:21

a neighbour built an extension that is built in our garden by 10cm. Realistically that doesn’t impact us as we have space to absorb but found myself getting wound up as he was an arsehole about went we pointed out.

will definitely cause you stress if you ever wish to sell up

what did the neighbour say?

user1471538283 · 26/09/2024 14:25

It's very hard but you need to practice. I've spent my life calling wrong things out and it gets you nowhere.

With the bloke at work make sure he doesn't take credit for your work but apart from that let him carry on.

With your neighbour I would fight it because this could impact on your sale if you ever do sell. He's stolen some of your land.

Everything else let them.

Noshowlomo · 26/09/2024 14:35

Your neighbour your do need to fight… that’s ridiculous he has done that.

Everything else, I also wish I give less fucks

BarnabyRocks · 26/09/2024 14:41

With the neighbour issue, I'm not sure what to advise as it sounds like you don't want to fight it. Maybe contact land registry or a solicitor for free advice about boundary changes, get a snotty letter sent to them confirming you know and they know they have illegally taken part of your property, end of, but just making them aware and it will hopefully help when either one of you sells.
Regarding the ballbag that you have to work with, I have some tips as I have worked with a few. One technique is to stay very quiet and don't say a word whilst they are mouthing off and make a point of staying quiet for 20 seconds or so after they've finished. It highlights to everyone present just how much hot air and negativity they spout. Only say positive things to their negative. Practice a 'Are you ok?/You're weird/Is this really happening?' facial expression and use it every time they speak to you. Keep or ask for everything to be documented (ask for this in a really friendly way) so that you're covered. Remember, aggressive or argumentative people have very few if any true, close friendships as most people can't stand them for any length of time, or just nod to get them to shut up, so thinking of this and feeling sorry for them (I know it's hard) can change how you deal with people like this. Practice feeling sorry for him whenever he speaks or whenever you see him. Whenever a thought of them appears in your head, imagine it's a cloud and internally blow it away, or even say 'zero fucks' each time. A little bit of arrogance, even if you keep this internal, can go a long way in situations like these.

unsync · 26/09/2024 14:43

Wanttogivezerofs · 26/09/2024 13:30

Or just not to let insignificant things bother me. Have nc for this.

have had a few years of absolute shit and survived. I want to be grateful and not swear the small stuff or just let things go that really aren’t worth it.

two examples. Have a new job that I love. A dick head started same time as me in a peer position. Talks down to me and abundantly clear he is all hot air an no substance. How do I let him dig his own holes and not take credit for me, whilst at the same time not caring he is an arsehole. I want this job to be long term for me, not to come home and wake up in night thinking about said arsehole.

a neighbour built an extension that is built in our garden by 10cm. Realistically that doesn’t impact us as we have space to absorb but found myself getting wound up as he was an arsehole about went we pointed out.

ii just don’t want to let people get to me anymore. I’ve lost two parents, had a bad time I my marriage and been really ill. Got through all that and want to be happy but can’t seem to let things go’

any ideas?

10 cm is not an insignificant encroachment and is not something to give zero fucus about. It may not impact you now, but it will when you need to sell. Was there a party wall agreement? I would be seeking legal advice in your shoes.

In general though, zero fucks comes with age or really serious shit happening (death / serious illness) which puts all the pettiness into perspective. Plus, when you realise how far up their own arses most people are, it becomes harder to care about what others think.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 26/09/2024 14:56

I have a mental image in my head (for certain arseholes in my life) of small dogs yapping behind a wire fence. They yap away, sometimes in a frenzy, but I am walking past because I give zero fucks about yapping dogs.

Singleandproud · 26/09/2024 15:02

I try to keep it in perspective, we are a tiny dot zooming around a fiery ball in an infinite universe, what dick head at work said makes no difference in the scheme of things.

Or to be appreciative of things. If we are lucky we get 100 years on Earth - 20 of those we are too young to make our own decisions, another 20 of them we are likely to be plagued with health or mobility issues so the X amount left in the middle dont let the bastards get you down / wind you up and making those years negative

celerymunch · 26/09/2024 15:06

your neighbour nicking land from you… is kind of worth giving some “fucks” about OP

Topseyt123 · 26/09/2024 15:13

You need to fight what your neighbour has done, not be so passive and give zero fucks about it. It could well affect the value of your property and your ability to sell it when the time comes.

Choose the right things to give zero fucks about. I wouldn't let arsehole at work take too much credit for the work you have done either. Surely it wouldn't do at all for everyone to think that he has done all of the important stuff and then you get passed over for a promotion or pay rise!?

Those two examples are of things that really matter, so you shouldn't give zero fucks about them.

I give zero fucks about what others think of me but not over things that really matter.

Newmumburnout · 26/09/2024 15:19

I feel the same as you it's hard to give zero fucks. One thing that helped me was literally thinking how small and insignificant we all are. Our lives are just small blips In humankind and really we don't actually matter. There is also a vast amount of people and you are only 1 of them. That might sound a bit morbid 🤣 but....just think in the end what does it matter what people think of you ? If you fail at something etc. get into a fight with a neighbour etc..just look after you and be nice to others where you can and do your best. Thats.all you can do x

Fernhurst · 26/09/2024 15:20

OP could fight what the CF neighbour has done and give zero fucks about what he thinks. Rather than giving ZF about the building work.

DadJoke · 26/09/2024 15:24

I give zero fucks about things I can't do anything about, or take too much effort to deal with to be worth the fucks.

Other things, I give fucks about. Someone stealing a section of my garden would end up with them demolishing their building or having them pay for the land.

Original poster
Wanttogivezerofs · 26/09/2024 15:27

Fernhurst · 26/09/2024 15:20

OP could fight what the CF neighbour has done and give zero fucks about what he thinks. Rather than giving ZF about the building work.

This is exactly what I need to do ! Such. Huge moment of clarity, the balance I was struggling with in this one.

OP posts:
celerymunch · 26/09/2024 15:28

Fernhurst · 26/09/2024 15:20

OP could fight what the CF neighbour has done and give zero fucks about what he thinks. Rather than giving ZF about the building work.

well sure she could

but that’s not the case here is it Realistically that doesn’t impact us as we have space to absorb

Original poster
Wanttogivezerofs · 26/09/2024 15:28

Thanks to all for letting me put in perspective CF neighbour,

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanttogivezerofs · 26/09/2024 15:29

celerymunch · 26/09/2024 15:28

well sure she could

but that’s not the case here is it Realistically that doesn’t impact us as we have space to absorb

Show quote history

But this too!

and now am back at starting point of what ZF needs to be :-)

OP posts:
Sassysoonwins · 26/09/2024 15:38

Two point. The boundary stealing IS something worth fussing over. As Pp have said, get a solicitors letter sent over. We had the same problem with ours (supposedly good friend neighbours) and it started to all get very tense. Luckily the builder realised he had worked to the wrong plans and knocked the whole wall down and started again. 10cm is a whole wall width. Fight it.

On horrible work person this is more of a 'let them' scenario in my view. Be the colleague everyone would rather work with but don't waste energy fighting the bad energy. Find a daft nickname for him, change his emails to grey in outlook, fail to hear him and grey rock him. This is definitely where you cease to give energy. There is always one or two of these no matter where you work. I swear some evil god of work puts them in every work environment to test your sanity and resolve.

artictern · 26/09/2024 15:45

Regarding the colleague…not quite the same situation but I have an asshole in a new class I’m taking. He’s really obnoxious and winds me up with his remarks. I remind myself that I’m taking this class for me, not him, and just try to detach and focus on the class. These people exist everywhere so we can’t escape them, we have to just remove the amount of importance we are giving them and just try to get on with things.

Turnitoffnonagain · 26/09/2024 15:55

It takes practice, and carefully choosing what to care about or what affects you most and to what degree.
Dickhead at work = wouldn't give him a second thought.
CF neighbour = if it would cause problems when/if you sell, look into it. Otherwise, as you say you have space to spare, do you really care?

celerymunch · 26/09/2024 16:03

Wanttogivezerofs · 26/09/2024 15:29

But this too!

and now am back at starting point of what ZF needs to be :-)

Show quote history

a good start

someone stealing from me?

give a fuck

ssd · 26/09/2024 16:06

Im the same as you op