Have you moved somewhere without connections

[TaupePanda]

A quick bit of context: I grew up in London, my husband in Sussex. We moved away from the SE to Bristol a few years ago - I went to Uni there and we both had friends there. As such, we settled in very quickly and it is near enough for us to get back to London (I still have a London job).

We sold our Bristol house last year to buy bigger but we are at a bit of a stalemate.

The situation is: we have quite a bit of cash in the bank and could borrow just £100k to buy a 4 bed locally. It would be a very typical, not terribly large house for the area (around 1500 square foot). But totally adequate for our needs. We currently pay £2k p/m rent so if we diverted that to a mortgage, we'd be clear in 5 years. That would allow us to either pay for private school (without stretching ourselves), or save it into trusts and hand the boys each a decent amount of money when they are older. We'd also have a totally paid off house early in life (43 years old) which would be great - bonuses and pay rises could be used to top up pensions and savings. We could really set ourselves up and help our children in a real way.

As a city person born and raised, I don't see a terrace house for life as a problem. I also don't aspire to a big garden - we live near multiple parks and a big green area. I don't think we need it, as I place higher importance on convenience of having stuff around us including people we know.

My husband grew up in a big suburban semi with parking and a massive garden. He doesn't place high importance of being near shops etc - for him a big home is the aspiration.

This is where we bump heads. His view is that we ought to be able to move into something much larger. In theory I agree - house prices are mad! But, that isn't the reality so you have to work with what you have.

So, we are in a rental (bleeding money imo) and aren't moving forward. We have looked at houses in different areas of Bristol but really our budget won't stretched to lots bigger so we'll have to borrow more. We can but that will take longer to pay back - we both agree we want to keep borrowing low.

My husband has sent me houses in far away places like Solihull - you can buy something enormous for our budget if we move northward. In fact, we could probably shave some off our budget.

From a financial perspective it possibly makes sense to move north. I only have to be in London twice a month so I can be flexible about distance. My husband works remotely.

But we don't really know anyone outside of the south. Do we just roll a dice and hope that a move works out? Has anyone ever done this? It seems mad to drag two kids across the country and it may be awful! Would you move for a cheaper, bigger house? Or stump up the cash and stay where you know you have friends and are actually overall pretty happy?

I moved North for financial and other reasons over 30 years ago. Still here - it worked for me.

I moved first to Italy, then to Ireland, then to Spain. You'll be fine.

Go visit different cities/large towns to get a feel for them before any big decisions, obviously. But you're moving around the same country with no language barriers, far easier.

Once you've narrowed down a couple of cities/areas, pop back and ask MN for any info on, eg, Solihull - schools, areas with good/bad connections, traffic problems, access to parks/countryside etc. Threads in the past have been full of recommendations.

Good luck.

Wr moved 2 hours from home but DD was only just about to start nursery. Both us have made friend through work. DD now in reception and I've made some good connections. Attended lots of birthday party's. Meet up in half terms etc. We don't have the same social life in the evenings as we have no family here to babysit. We still connect with our old friends on special occasions. We are really pleased we made the move. Found financial freedom. No stress and a simple life.

I got priced out of Bristol 10 years ago now settled in Shropshire in a better value house. I love Bristol and it is still my cultural home but I'm very happy with the move because our financial prospects would not be where they are if we'd have stayed. We made new friends, put down new roots but visit the big city often.

We have relocated a few times with Dh's job. The last house move we did was voluntary and for a secondary school catchment. We knew what our priorities would be. The children would be full sized adults at 13 as both boys. We would want them to have their own space to chill and have their own tv etc. This house would grow with us. So many people just focus on number of bedrooms and whether a child has their own room. We needed the downstairs to offer them something similar.

When we moved here the children were lower primary so the garden space was used a lot, now they are adults, they tend to sit outside waiting for their pizza from the pizza oven and no longer tear around the garden.

So think about what you want/need from a house. For us their own space that started as a playroom, then housed the Xbox, then desks for secondary homework and a space away from the main lounge.

as long as I can remember, the story of our lives
moved probably more than 10 times - it was first health climate, then secondary, then uni, then moving rental accommodations within big capital city so really sometimes you don't meet the old fellas from your old block, then France, then the UK, then for jobs in the UK, then marrying, then buying and selling more accommodations

Used to the fact that after I finished uni my childhood school friends married off in the countryside , or left my country and since then I have never made this kind of intense, close, loving friendship with any female. Met however tons of amazing people who did me ( do me ) good all the time

I moved about and hour away from family to a totally new area (we'd done day trips), planning exactly the same but this time more rural instead of a market town. It's all fine.

Yeah, I've moved on multiple occasions to places where I haven't had any preexisting connections, as has DH. Both within the UK and across continents. It has been fine every time.

However, I have had local jobs in every place that have helped me to forge local connections, and in the last move, I had very young dc so was also able to make connections via school etc. I think you'd have to work much harder if wfh and older dc in order to build a new network. Definitely doable though, and actually quite exciting!

I wouldn't move to an unknown place so that I could have a bigger house that was not needed. If I couldn't afford a good enough house then yes I would move. Sounds like you could stay where you are and be mortgage free in a few years.

Today went to London for few business bits and bobs. Loved it soooo much, alone. Everyone was so calm, happy, to the point and enjoying their busy day. One man in the bus asked me: Parlez vous Francais and I actually replied to him. He was genuinely French and did not bother me, just smiled and after asking the question and me saying: ahhh, pas beaucoup, pas beaucoup left me alone. If I was single, I would be visiting London and enjoying myself every week

I relocated once totally alone and then with DH, we were engaged at that point. I didn’t have children to relocate though. I had to move for work both times so it’s very different. I wouldn’t move just for a bigger house, what age are your children? We didn’t educate DS privately, DH was privately educated, I wasn’t, we both worked in HE and didn’t see private education as necessary. DH and I both grew up in enormous houses, my home was shabby his was exceptionally grand. We live in a modest house compared to our incomes and much smaller than our childhood homes, it means a very early retirement for us both. I would hesitate with children.

Yes, I've moved several times and known absolutely no one. Are your DC small OP? If so, that's a great time to move, because you will make lots of friends through your DC's school (at least, I found that to be the case). If you are a city person (as I am), just make sure that you move somewhere with plenty going on. It can be a small city with good connections, but make sure it's got what you need - shops, bars, restaurants, good schools, cultural life, clubs and activities for you and your DC - yoga, running club, scouts, football/rugby/cricket, etc. That is where you will meet people and how you will plug into your new community.

I don’t think we’ve ever moved anywhere where we had prior connections (and I’ve lived in 6 completely different places all over the world). But I always had a reason to want to move there. It was never just to buy a house: it was because I loved the area, wanted a new adventure, was starting a new career, etc.

That said, I’m 43 and paying a bit of a mortgage would not put me off buying a house I loved in an area I want to live. We’re in the SW and have a 5br house with land and pay less than you do in rent. I love the house and the area where we live and I have no anxiety at all about having a mortgage to pay in my 40s. Could you find a bit more of a balance?

We moved out of London and away from all our friends. We are just under an hour from one set of parents, so that helps, but is no closer to them than London was TBH.

It is our forever home. Big house, big garden. Space for our family.

In your shoes I'd move to Solihull in a heartbeat. Not so far from Bristol that you can't see friends at weekend, easy for London a few times per month. Close to a fabulous city with all the amenities that brings.

Do it before your kids get older. It's harder to move once they're settled at secondary, which locks you in for 10 years plus.

Thanks all.

Our sons are 3 and 5 so pretty young. I can't say I've really made many friends through the kids though so I wouldn't put much faith in that being a route to new friends.

I don't think we'd buy a house with loads of excess space. But, for me, a 3 bed victorian with a loft conversion to give us an extra room is enough. My husband very much feels that is not going to last us and we should move sooner rather than later.

I would add that I love the area, not the house around us. They are all just OK / adequate. It would be easier if things were coming on that one of us was crazy about. But it's an old mining part of town and it's literally just little 2 or 3 bed terrace houses. Nothing to write home about, and often in need of significant renovation.

It feels like better the devil you know and to just suck up space issues down the line. We'll not know what having 4 adults in the house will be like until we are there, but my husband feels certain that we'll be cramped in (as we both wfh too).

It just feels like starting again is a lot of work. We've both lived abroad too but it's different when you're young and you sort of just make friends. Now we'd be moving to somewhere we've never particularly cared about previously just because...

I'm not sure there is actually a right answer here 🫤

Hey @TaupePanda I agree there isn't a right answer. My partner and I have been tossing this idea back and forth for months now and essentially have concluded there's no right or wrong, there's just what's right for you. Interestingly we're also in Bristol with kids the same age. Maybe we should go for a drink and discuss the pros and cons of this fair city 😂

Our discussions circle around... Is it more important to stay with the friends and life we have but make concessions on the amount of stuff we own and space we expect to have or not? If not then is the effort of moving plus leaving everything we know worth that additional sq footage. That's what it boils down to for us. We own our house (with a mortgage), I think in order to get it to where we'd like it to be it's going to need £150k investment (that's if we could do it right now, gosh knows how much it'll be by the time I can actually afford it). Whereas we could move to a cheaper postcode (with better air quality), buy a house which already has all those things and release about £50k equity in our home (on top of covering the cost of the move). So currently trying to decide if the 'pros' in our life here are worth £200k. Doing the work is highly unlikely to add that much value to our home so it's not an investment we'd get back financially, it's an investment in the relationship and life we have. It's impossible to quantify as who blooming knows what the future holds??

We keep leaving Bristol, visiting the place we think we'd move to, falling in love with it, feeling determined, coming back to Bristol, loving the community, the commute to school etc, catching up with friends or going to things like the sea shanty festival on the weekend and enjoying the hub on the harborside and then thinking how much we love it here, lose our resolve to leave, book another weekend away to see if the place really does have the pull...decide it does...and repeat 😂 if someone could just move me magically next time I'm up there so I didn't have to come back it would be a lot easier!!!!

This sounds very similar to our conversations! We live in BS3 - you'll know how insane Southville has become. V high prices for very standard houses.

But then... the sea shanty festival (which my eldest has talked about non stop). And upfest, the balloon fiesta, harbourfest etc... plus we're super close to Ashton Court, M Shed, the farm, a good library and so much else. It's tough to move away from that and I genuinely find it difficult to believe I'll find anything half as good somewhere else. And I'd miss it.

But, my husband's argument is that it's a false economy to spend £650k on a small house with a rubbish garden. That it's lot of money (it definitely is) and just because we have it doesn't mean we should waste it.

It feels like a never ending conundrum!

I’m all for relocating for a better life and bigger home, I did it. But in your situation where you are happy where you are and will be comfortable in a nice home and comfortable in terms of money, then I’d stay. Hold your ground. If you both want to move it’s difficult enough, but if one of you doesn’t, it’s a recipe for disaster

Oh yes Southville is on another level. Ouch.

It's impossible. Coming back to your original post I guess there is a middle ground in that you could find a house with more space that is still excellently located for amenities and in a place that has a lot going on. There are places that have train lines to London, shops, libraries, parks, nice schools and cheap real estate. We don't need the London connection but have found somewhere that ticks all the other boxes..keep talking to the locals and noone has a bad word to say about it. They're all 'move here you'll love It!!!' It wouldn't be Bristol, but Bristol won't go anywhere. We think about being the people who come back and stay locally for things like the balloon fiesta as a way to catch up with everyone.

When we lean towards moving (currently in 'nah Bristol is too good to leave' mode) we try to think about more than the money (Air quality is a big one), though it often comes back to what we could do with that money if it wasn't invested the house. Otherwise as you say it's the 'investing in life now' and staying somewhere with all that going on and people we love but accepting a smaller pad, or being able to invest in the future (private schools, house deposits etc) whilst also enjoying a larger space. That's hard to say no to. For us staying is loving the every day life but not having the extras (having to be careful with the activities we sign DC up to, don't go on foreign holidays, careful where we shop etc), Vs if we move then it's a gamble on if we'd be as happy day to day, but we'd have money left at the end of the month, funds for an annual holiday, maybe be able to fund private schools/future help for DC, be mortgage free earlier and therefore able to invest in other parts of our lives. It's a tempting package.

I think I'd make new friends if I moved, I'm a chatty soul, as are the kids. DH will be an introvert wherever he lives!! But the people I see now are the ones who held my babies when they were days old. The kids my eldest goes to school with have known us since they were bumps. There's a lot of shared history to walk away from and it's hard to put a price on that. Plus you know, hot air balloons landing in the park by our house is pretty cool.

Comes back to 'choose your hard'! Moving is going to be full of effort, and there will be pros and cons to it. Staying is going to require some sacrifices and there will be pros and cons to it. Staying is my heart making the decision, moving is my head. Both choices have good and hard bits. Just need to choose your* hard and stick to it.

*by 'your' I very much mean 'my' 😂

Exactly this - head v heart. In my head I know it makes financial sense. We could cash buy a house in some places.

But my heart says this is so great, we've built up huge social capital and we love Bristol. Or BS3 specifically - we've explored leaving the area and are not keen.

We would find agreeing quite difficult too. I just don't care about being near anything greener than a park. Access to countryside is at the bottom of my list. I'd prefer to be near a tube station, if I'm honest. My husband would probably quite like to be in a greener place, but transport is high on my list as I don't drive and need to have a train station nearby. This would be an enormous barrier, though my husband is taking a very proactive approach to it all (which is quite rare)

Out of interest where do you think about moving?

@TaupePanda Further north than Solihull! We have a lower budget than you so restricts us to quite a big move if it's going to be worthwhile. There are other benefits for us though, DH spent a lot of his childhood holidays in the north and has fond memories. We're both also very attracted by stunning scenery so that's a draw. And used to living on the west coast (albeit in the south) so rather used to rain 😂

If I had your budget and wanted to stay in Bristol I'd be looking on Thingwall park/Everest Road. Appreciate it isn't BS3, and BS3 is special in its own right but I think Thingwall Park has it all. Pretty decent sized gardens, big houses, leafy streets. Fishponds road right behind it (has a Lounge, Fed303, Crafty Egg, Morisons, Lidl, library etc. Easy access to the Bristol-bath cycle path too), Eastville Park and Thingwall Park allotments adjacent, Coombe Brooke nature reserve and Snuff Mills a stones throw away. You sometimes feel like you're not even in the city and yet it's a 10 minute cycle to the centre. Our friends live there and moments away from their house we regularly see otters, kingfishers, herons etc. It's an incredible place for kids. They walk along the river to school, or can detour past a lovely playground to get home if it's a nice day and they want to burn some energy. Feels like there's always something going on in Eastville Park/Oldbury court too. But it's still 15 minutes to Whapping Wharf and less than 20 to North Street so all the amenities you're used to are still very accessible. There's a lush community in that area. Apple Day is coming up on the 6th October at the allotments, cider and fruit picking, live music, shows for the kids etc. Be a nice event to go to to get a feel for the place. If I had the money I'd be there in a heartbeat!

I'd rather live in a smaller house in a better place - location, location, location!

Move up north just to have a bigger house?!?! Golly, not a chance lol

Thanks all - its been interesting to read everyone's thoughts.

We went to view a bigger house in wider Somerset. We took a wlak around the local are (which was basically just fields) and have decided that we would rather stick it out where we are for the time being and maybe just get a little creative. A few detached garages have come on the market arpound our house - we are thinking we could buy one and convert (as we've seen others do) and use that as an office space that is away from home but only 5 minutes away - taking pressure off a house and all the different things it needs to give us.

In the future who knows, but either way is a gamble and I think we both have to buy in to the risk to make it work.

Not in your neck of the woods but in the Home Counties on the outskirts of London. Could undoubtedly buy a bigger house for less money but we really value being close to our family and friends, especially having lived abroad for a few years. But that’s right for me and everyone is different.