How to decline a wedding invite

[blossomhoney2]

An ex work colleague who is now a friend is getting married in early April next year. I really don't want to go for the following reasons but I am not sure how to say no without hurting her feelings. Should I just tell the truth? Or make up some excuse? Every time we meet she has spoken about the wedding, and we have to RSVP by end of October. My reasons:

• it's 4 hours away on public transport, by train and by gondola (she's getting married at a hotel on top of a mountain - we don't live in the Uk!). Driving there is more difficult so better to do public transport.
• it's on a Friday so me and DH both have to take a day off work. There is nothing happening on the following day so would literally just be traveling for the afternoon (wedding from 2pm- 01.00am, includes ceremony, dinner at 6pm then dancing) and then leaving on Saturday after breakfast.
• we have a 2 year old child which means we won't be able to fully enjoy ourselves anyway, we both won't be able to stay up dancing, one of us will have to be with our child and do bedtime etc. it will basically just be a form of stressful childcare up a mountain in the snow with a load of people we don't really know.
• the hotel room costs 250 EUR for one night, the whole cost of the trip will be around 500 EUR including extra food and travel.
• dress code: suits for men and for the ladies long dresses below the knee (I don't own a long dress so that will be an added cost)
• I am trying to get pregnant so I am hoping by April I will be in my first trimester (not guaranteed I know!) but could have sickness like my first pregnancy.

Anyone have any ideas of what to say to gently tell her thanks but no thanks?

Don’t say you can’t afford it - she might offer to cover your costs! & then you are back to square one !!

This. You don’t want to go. So just say so politely.

You don’t need to write an essay just say you aren’t able to attend, sounds like a nightmare and one if decline too

Yeh you're right, kids hate snow 🤔. OP it's their wedding, they can do what they like. If you don't want to go just say no but stop picking it apart as it's really not any of your business.

I would send a RSVP card, telling your life story is obvious you are coming up with excuses

The wedding is not about you, politely decline and move on

Yes, why don’t they get married in a way that suits you? Surely they could have consulted you first?

Honestly, OP, stop making such a song and dance about it. You can’t be bothered to make the required effort, which is fine, and is your right, but just politely decline, because the more you say, the clearer the situation is.

"Thanks for the invite. Unfortunately we cannot attend. Wish you all the best. "
End of

You don’t need to give a reason. They have sent out a bunch of invitations and they will get a bunch of RSVPs.

If you are desperate to give a reason, due a to family commitment or previous engagement. Invent one or organise one in case you are asked.

This doesn’t shed you in a good light OP. It’s their choice where to have their wedding and it’s your choice to attend. You have given a few reasons but if you wanted to make the effort for your friend a new dress and ‘maybe’ morning sickness wouldn’t stop you. Kids love snow, kids love mountains and kids love gondolas, so that excuse doesn’t hold up.
iv found that friends who want to attend your wedding make the effort to do so and I think you simply don’t think the friendship is worth the effort or cost.

Thank you so much for inviting us but we are unfortunately unable to attend. We would love to see a photo through. Just put the €100 in the reply.

Just because you could feasibly afford to go doesn't mean you are obliged to spend your money in that way.

I could spend £200 a month on ventriloquism lessons or knitting supplies or sponsoring a donkey in Outer Mongolia. I choose to do none of those things and that is absolutely up to me.

It sounds like money is only one concern with the logistics being more of a problem. I'm the same. I turn down social invites that I don't really really want to do as I have limited childcare options so save it for events that are most important and enjoyable for me.

If shes a friend
Then be honest and tell her what you have said here????

If she is a close friend and asks you then be honest. It isn't going to be fun with a 2 year old (travel and being there) so you'd prefer to do something with her another time.
I would start with just declining the RSVP and see if she askes.

Dear Jane and Fred, thank you for the invitation to your wedding. Regrettably we are unable to attend so must decline but I hope you both have a truly wonderful day.

warm wishes

Just say thank you for the invite but we can’t attend, we had a few declines like this for our wedding and honestly I didn’t give it a second thought. As long as people decline in good time, that’s polite, it’s only rude if you decline very close to the wedding without good reason

As usual first answer nails it.

Just send this OP. As is said a lot on Mumsnet, it's an invitation not a summons! You're her former colleague and friend, not her mum, you're not obligated to go.

That is a polite response, but like all the other similar suggestions in this thread, it wouldn't be an end to it. If this is a good friend, of course she's going to ask OP why they can't come. It's a perfectly normal conversation to have and OP has to be prepared for it.

"Sorry I have another family commitment" and if you anxious then make a family commitment invite someone over!

You are massively overthinking it, just send one of the responses given here and forget about it. It's a five minute job, it doesn't need an excessive bullet point list.

We put response cards in with our wedding invites - people could tick Box A - yes we are able to attend or
Box B - sorry we are unable to attend.

I just wanted to know if people would be there or not. Some people added a note or got in touch to explain why they weren't coming but I certainly didn't need to hear their reason. The catering company didn't need to know that cousin X already had a holiday booked and friend Y has a strange leave booking system at work that meant they couldn't get the time off they just needed to know how many people wanted the meat, how many wanted the fish and how many wanted the veggie option.

If I had the budget and could get the day off I'd be leaping at this and making a weekend of it, it sounds fabulous even with a two year old. But if you really don't want to go just say "sorry, we're not going to be able to make it, hope you have a fabulous day, please send the gift list" etc as others have said, rather than making excuses

Send your reply ASAP. In my experience the B+G will want you there want to get numbers for catering and other purposes, and if you reply quickly, they can give your places to others on their "we'd love to have them but no room" guests.

If she’s a good friend then you need to call her first and tell her how sorry you are to be unable to attend. You can the follow up with a written RSVP.

Don’t bother giving detailed explanations - they’re unlikely to make her feel any less disappointed. Say very unfortunately you’re unable to get the time off work.

Haven’t read all the posts, but I’m sure someone will have been along with the witty riposte that “it’s an invitation not a summons” and whilst of course you are not compelled to attend I’d encourage you to think about how you’d like to be treated.

Obviously you’ve had your wedding but how would you have wanted people to respond - both in terms of words and actions - to your own invites.

I'd tell her I can't attend and give a simple explanation - it wouldn't work with your child. Then I'd send a written RSVP so they have it in writing.

No, you don't 'owe' her an explanation, but if I wasn't going to a good friend's wedding, it would be friendly to give a bit of a reason. Otherwise it may feel like you can't be arsed.

If you feel she is someone likely to remain a long term friend I would honestly advise you make the effort and go and celebrate with her. Is there anyone who could look after your 2 year old and allow you to just go as adults without the childcare responsibilities? That would be more appealing imo.