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Original poster

How to decline a wedding invite

59 replies

blossomhoney2 · 23/09/2024 12:09

An ex work colleague who is now a friend is getting married in early April next year. I really don't want to go for the following reasons but I am not sure how to say no without hurting her feelings. Should I just tell the truth? Or make up some excuse? Every time we meet she has spoken about the wedding, and we have to RSVP by end of October. My reasons:

  • it's 4 hours away on public transport, by train and by gondola (she's getting married at a hotel on top of a mountain - we don't live in the Uk!). Driving there is more difficult so better to do public transport.
  • it's on a Friday so me and DH both have to take a day off work. There is nothing happening on the following day so would literally just be traveling for the afternoon (wedding from 2pm- 01.00am, includes ceremony, dinner at 6pm then dancing) and then leaving on Saturday after breakfast.
  • we have a 2 year old child which means we won't be able to fully enjoy ourselves anyway, we both won't be able to stay up dancing, one of us will have to be with our child and do bedtime etc. it will basically just be a form of stressful childcare up a mountain in the snow with a load of people we don't really know.
  • the hotel room costs 250 EUR for one night, the whole cost of the trip will be around 500 EUR including extra food and travel.
  • dress code: suits for men and for the ladies long dresses below the knee (I don't own a long dress so that will be an added cost)
  • I am trying to get pregnant so I am hoping by April I will be in my first trimester (not guaranteed I know!) but could have sickness like my first pregnancy.

Anyone have any ideas of what to say to gently tell her thanks but no thanks?

OP posts:
JumperStripes · 23/09/2024 12:11

Thank you for inviting us but for a variety of reasons we are unable to attend. Please let me have your wedding list and we would still like to buy you a gift. We hope you have a wonderful day and look forward to hearing all about it.

GettingStuffed · 23/09/2024 12:11

I'm sorry but we're unable to attend should be sufficient.

Hannahandlucy · 23/09/2024 12:12

I'd be honest and just tell her you won't be able to make it, the cost is too much. Offer to celebrate with them after, like a nice dinner out. I'm sure you're not the only one that will be invited and unable to make it. If she's a good friend she will understand, if she doesn't understand then maybe you're not as close as you thought! FWIW it would be a hard pass from me too.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester General pregnancy Weddings
Moveoverdarlin · 23/09/2024 12:12

First post is a perfect response.

TheSandgroper · 23/09/2024 12:13

Thank you for your invitation. We will not be attending.

We wish you both a wonderful day.

love from

@blossomhoney2

Nothing more needs to be said.

Cynic17 · 23/09/2024 12:14

"Dear Jane and Jim.
Thank you so much for the very kind invitation to your wedding on X date.
Unfortunately, we will not be able to attend.

We hope you both have a wonderful day, and a very happy life together.

Best wishes A & B"

That's it. No need to apologise or explain. It would be kind to send a gift, so by all means include a request for the gift list, if you don't already have it.

ButterAsADip · 23/09/2024 12:14

No need to get into details, it will just encourage her to then respond justifying her expectations etc and who can’t be arsed to get into that. Just send the first response here.

Brefugee · 23/09/2024 12:15

i know a lot of people on MN have problems with even the most banal everyday conversations but have we really, collectively, lost the ability to do this?

Not just OP, but over and over - people going to things and being resentful because they lack the ability to say "thank you for the invitation, sorry i won't be able to attend, have a lovely day"

llamali · 23/09/2024 12:18

The dress code and you maybe being pregnant and maybe having "morning" sickness are absolute clutching at straws excuses.

Just tell her you can't afford it sorry.

Original poster
blossomhoney2 · 23/09/2024 12:43

Brefugee · 23/09/2024 12:15

i know a lot of people on MN have problems with even the most banal everyday conversations but have we really, collectively, lost the ability to do this?

Not just OP, but over and over - people going to things and being resentful because they lack the ability to say "thank you for the invitation, sorry i won't be able to attend, have a lovely day"

Yeah you're right, I probably never had the ability in the first place to be honest. I have this impending feeling of guilt that I'm letting someone down and want to be a good friend and don't want to disappoint. Especially as she's talked so much about the wedding to me before - and I've nodded along. I've never said I'm going but I've never given her the impression that I'm not either. It's so hard for me to say no!

OP posts:
NewPinkJacket · 23/09/2024 12:49

Just tell them you can't afford it.

I reckon she might be a bit insulted about the other reasons.

Oobalooba · 23/09/2024 12:53

If I'd invited a friend to a wedding and they just said "Sorry I can't attend" with no attempt to explain why not, I'd find that a bit rude! I'd expect some kind of reason as to why not- even if it's an obviously made up one to save my feelings.

Namechangeforcheese · 23/09/2024 13:10

As PP have said, just decline. My DD is currently arranging her wedding and really struggling balancing her budget and the guest list. She would be thrilled if a few people she has invited because she feels she has to politely declined the invitation.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 23/09/2024 13:27

Personally I think it would be considerate to give a reason, as "I'm sorry, I can't attend" sounds quite abrupt to me. Your friend has chosen to have a wedding that she knows will be complicated and expensive to attend, so she must surely accept that many won't be able to make it. There's no shame in not being able to afford something, and I think we should normalise talking about expense. I'd say "Thank you for the invitation. I'm sorry but we won't be attending, because the budget and logistics are more than we can take on at the moment. However, we would like to give you a wedding gift so please do let me know if you have a gift list."

LoobyDoop2 · 23/09/2024 13:31

I don’t think you need to give a reason, just “very sorry but we won’t be able to attend”. If she asks why say you can’t take the time off work. You don’t need to say that you can’t take it off because you need to save the day’s leave to do something that you want to do at an unspecified point in the future.

LadySummerislesApple · 23/09/2024 13:35

8hr round trip with a toddler when you'd have to leave early the next morning is enough of a reason.

TubeScreamer · 23/09/2024 13:46

You are massively overthinking this.

A simple: ‘thank you for the invitation. unfortunately we are unable to attend. We hope you have a wonderful day’ is all that is needed.

Brefugee · 23/09/2024 13:54

Oobalooba · 23/09/2024 12:53

If I'd invited a friend to a wedding and they just said "Sorry I can't attend" with no attempt to explain why not, I'd find that a bit rude! I'd expect some kind of reason as to why not- even if it's an obviously made up one to save my feelings.

but you are not owed an explanation. Many people, me included, wouldn't want to say "well it's too expensive"

We need to get back to properly issuing invitations (they are not a summons) and accepting when people say "sorry, no" without demanding they explain themselves.

As well as learning how to say "thank you, can't come, have a great day"

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 23/09/2024 13:56

JumperStripes · 23/09/2024 12:11

Thank you for inviting us but for a variety of reasons we are unable to attend. Please let me have your wedding list and we would still like to buy you a gift. We hope you have a wonderful day and look forward to hearing all about it.

This is all that's required.

SauviGone · 23/09/2024 14:01

A generic ‘sorry we can’t come’ is fine for the formal reply, but it sounds like the OP’s friend might ask her when she sees her in person why she can’t make it.

So it’s good to have something prepared.

I think I’d go with “we just don’t have the budget to attend” which she can’t really argue with.

rainydaysaway · 23/09/2024 14:03

it's 4 hours away on public transport, by train and by gondola

don’t know why this made me laugh so much 😀

Original poster
blossomhoney2 · 23/09/2024 18:18

The thing is, we do have the budget. We are both high earners. I would be happy to spend 100 euro on a gift, or cook the happy couple a njce meal or something, but it's more the principle of spending money on something which I know I'm not really going to enjoy much (especially with a small child in tow). And it's the effort we have to put in just for a few hours.

A lot of her guests live in the same town as the couple do. It seems madness to choose a destination hours away which is difficult and expensive to get to, why not just have a lovely wedding in a nearby venue on a Saturday so people don't need to take a day off work? I think there is a lot of pressure on guests to attend weddings. And it definitely won't be any fun for the small kids on the mountain in -10 degrees and snow.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 23/09/2024 18:29

JumperStripes · 23/09/2024 12:11

Thank you for inviting us but for a variety of reasons we are unable to attend. Please let me have your wedding list and we would still like to buy you a gift. We hope you have a wonderful day and look forward to hearing all about it.

Best answer on this thread.

RuleForFire · 23/09/2024 18:53

She may have felt obliged to invite you as you see her socially, and may not really give two hoots if you accept or decline. So there's a good chance you'd be going to a wedding you don't want to go to to avoid offending someone who doesn't want you there.

As MN likes to say, it's an invitation not a summons, so I'd be honest. What's putting you off are the logistics, so say that - with DC and the travel and us trying for a baby, logistically it's complicated and I'd hate to say yes and then let you down, so thank you for thinking of us but we won't be able to join you.

semideponent · 23/09/2024 19:03

@blossomhoney2 Then send a clear thank you but no response along the lines above, and follow up at work with something like: "Although I'm not able to come, I've really enjoyed talking about your plans for the wedding. Please don't think you can't talk to me about it just because I can't be there,"

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