How to stop making conversations all about me?

[Livlab]

NC for this. I’m aware I’ll maybe get slated for this but I genuinely want to improve. I’ve recently become a new mum and I’m trying to make mum friends. There are women I speak to at the baby classes I go to but the friendship doesn’t seem to extend beyond the class and I think I’m the problem.

For some reason I always end up turning the conversation round to me! It comes from a good place of trying to relate but it actually probably comes across as rude and dismissive of what the other person is saying. I’ll give some examples

Me: how was your holiday
Friend: it was good but it was hard to keep baby cool
Me: yes I know what you mean. When we went to Spain it was difficult to keep DS out of direct sunlight

Me: what are you up to this week
Friend: taking baby swimming
Me: that will be good. I’m going to sign DS up to baby swimming classes. I got him a thermal swimsuit last week.

I am quite good at asking questions as I genuinely am interested, however I always end up making their response all about me!

Can anyone please share some advice on how I can be more mindful of this? And how I can continue the conversation to make the other person know I really am interested?

I’d also be interested to hear if you have anyone who commandeers the conversation like this and how it makes you feel!!!

Doesn't sound too bad to me!! Overthinking it would seem.
Just add in another question - how does your baby enjoy the swimming?

I am the same and actively trying not to be. Just stop yourself every time you know you're about to say something to relate and ask them more questions about it instead. "I'm taking baby swimming next week" "oh nice! Where are you taking them ?" "ooh I bet insert baby's name would love that, are you looking forward to it ?" Ect ect.
Wait for them to ask you a question before you talk about yourself. It's hard because my intentions are the same, I just want them to know I can relate or they're not alone but I know some people can view it wrong.

Yes, I have tendency to do this! I once saw a message exchange between two friends talking about me and how I always did that 😔

I think I got past it though… before I’m about to speak to somebody, and while I’m speaking to them, I deliberately tell myself that I’m interviewing them 😂. That way I’m always in an interested “tell me more” mindset… I think it helps, at least I hope so!!

Follow up your related responses with a further question, e.g. what did you find worked best? (to keep baby cool); where do you go to swimming classes and how are you finding them?

I think you're overthinking though.

Neither of your examples in themselves sound at all problematic, but what exactly happens next in both cases? Where does the exchange go from there?

I think that’s fine oP. Just tack another question on the end of the bit about you so it’s like a tennis match.

TBH making the conversation all about them is kind of interview style and some people would find that equally offputting. Both people in the conversation need time out of the hot seat! Having questions fired at you gets uncomfortable and can seem obsequious or overly interested. It’s fine to slip in comments about your experience- so long as it doesn’t become a monologue.

Say something about what they’ve said that relates to them or the thing in general. Or, if there’s a natural follow on question, ask that.

So, to use your examples:

Me: how was your holiday
Friend: it was good but it was hard to keep baby cool
You: Oh, I can imagine. Did you try parasols/X fan is excellent/it’s also so hard to keep them hydrated isn’t it? (Then maybe ask something about the holiday destination.)

Me: what are you up to this week
Friend: taking baby swimming
Me: How lovely! Where do you usually go?

But, what you’re currently doing isn’t really that bad, so don’t beat yourself up.

Thanks all, I’m glad I’m not alone!!

@Arghgerroffyabastard I love the idea of pretending you’re interviewing them!

@Rerrin I feel the conversation just sort of peters out after a short exchange like that. There are one or two mums who I have much better back and forth conversations with. Maybe it’s just a case of not clicking with the other mums.

I have a baby class this afternoon and will be making a conscious effort to ask more questions and not to make it all about me!

@Calliopespa that’s a good point. I don’t want them to feel like I’m interrogating them 😂

Oh sorry that’s a crossed post from me while others were advocating adopting interview style! But I personally don’t like to feel interviewed or “ grilled”.

Just ask questions. It’s a really straightforward conversational hack.

• taking baby swimming
• ah does he enjoy it? Where do you take him? Would you recommend the classes? How long has he been going?

Obviously interspersed with snippets about your own life, so it doesn’t seem like you’re interrogating them.

I agree with tacking another question on the end so it reverts back to them. Then they can answer that and they can ask something about you if they want. "oh yes, we found it hard to keep baby cool too. What did you try, would love to hear your tips."

OP, I am like you. I used to walk away from conversations sometimes and realise I'd not asked the other person anything about themselves 😳 I have tried to make a real effort to ask questions and remind myself to do so - I'm better than I used to be but still not perfect. I blame being a youngest child and taking over people a lot!

Based on these examples alone, it sounds like you are overthinking. There is a difference between contributing to a conversation (I.e.what you have done) and completely taking over a conversation and making it about you, or interrupting someone before they've finished to get your side of the story in.

You said you've only recently met these mums, in my experience it takes time to to develop a friendship . You could always suggest a coffee outside of the class, but don't be disheartened if someone doesn't automatically take you up on the offer, as there could be many reasons.

If just think of it as a ballgame. So long as you throw the conversation back, it’s fine to “ handle the” ⚽️ a moment before doing so! It’s the people who run off the pitch with it that are the problem!

Mixture of overthinking and being a genuinely nice person OP!

Echo the PP what said gave another question ready. Practice active listening, so good style contact, body language, paraphrasing what they have said back and follow with a question. And don't worry too much about it!

Aww, I struggle with this a bit too. I like Pp suggestion of follow up questions. I find it hard as I also worry that I can be too intrusive asking loads of questions!

I was just going to say though when I was first out trying to make new mum friends I really overthought everything afterwards and felt so embarrassed about what a terrible person I was. I think it was because I was so out of my comfort zone, learning how to be a mum and having to make friends from scratch - that led to way more self-consciousness and criticism than was needed. I didn’t feel “shy” at the time so I didn’t realise my self-criticism was actually from being self-conscious.

the other thing I found helpful was to kind of make a joke so if I hear myself talking about myself in an effort to relate, saying “oops talking about myself again” roll my eyes and something like “I’ve spent too much time with my DC, forgotten how to have a conversation with adults”

edit: to acknowledge the irony that my post is all about me 🤣

Me too, I always make a conscious effort to tack a question on the end now, or keep it short and then pause, so they can pick up again. Or make it into a suggestion, "oh, we used to love taking baby DS swimming, we used to go to X pool, that would be worth trying if you haven't" There is a balance though, sometimes you do need that relating thing otherwise the conversation fizzles out

One of my friends does this but I understand where it's coming from (trying to identify / empathise) so I don't get annoyed.

It's great you're aware - keep checking that you have asked at least 2 questions to every 'identifying' story / comment?? So the ratio is loaded towards the speaker and not you.

OP the examples you've posted sound fine, just normal conversations.

Agree with others that you're overthinking and may be a little anxious about meeting new people particularly in the context that you are now a parent, which is a change of status for you.

But, from what you've written here, you don't need to be anxious at all. You sound like a nice, friendly person and you don't need to worry about it or work on yourself. Go and have a nice time!

I really don't think your examples are examples of people always turning the conversation to themselves.

In my opinion, that would be using the question to them to launch a long explanation of you, your baby, your partner, your mum, your dog, your house. Ad infinitum.

What you're describing just sounds like conversation. I actually get unnerved by people who ask questions and then dibt share their own position!

Just be yourself, the friendships will come and you will have meaningful chats with people if you can just be your authentic self!

What a good tip!

oof I have a friend who does this - but unlike you, she has no self-awareness and will never change! She means well and is very kind-hearted, but everyone's eyes glaze over when she starts to talk.
So that you are aware is a v positive thing.

BUT I would say that maybe you are overthinking this. You won't click with everyone and you say you find some mums easier to talk to then others - so you must be doing something right!

Also, in the example you gave, I would expect the other person to reply something like 'I'm taking baby swimming. What are you up to?"

ie. It's hard to continue a conversation when the other person doesn't tag you next.

Maybe the women you click with have a better back and forth than others and you don't notice because the conversation flows more naturally.

Another piece of advice I heard on here once and it really resonated was something like 'don't listen to reply'. I think it was meant in a counselling framework (eg sometimes people just want to share without being offered a solution or advice) but I find it helps in everyday conversation to make sure you are really listening to someone.

ie if you are thinking about how what they say relates to you, you are not really listening to them but anticipating what you will say in return (a bit like if you were in a play and waiting for your cue!)

So think about what they have said and try and find out a little more - or some reflective listening. Someone intuitive, on your wavelength and potential friend material will soon turn the conversation around to you, (and if they don't, you have met another me me me-r and can gently avoid!)

Ha, that was a long rambling post - your turn in the conversation now 😂

Also op, tbh it helps to just focus on what is being said, rather than worrying too much about how the balance would look on paper! When you are properly listening, follow on questions etc tend to come pretty naturally. I think if you are nervous sometimes you tend not to really listen as your mind is already spinning ahead to where to go next. You hear it as a prompt for a new question, rather than thinking “ I wonder what that was actually like etc.” Just try to live in the moment of the discussion and really hear it - and it’s fine if there are short pauses as you transition between topics. That’s actually a sign of a very relaxed interaction. One of the problems I have with friends is we tangle io about five conversations at once by making asides and end up with lots of “ what was I saying before … um…” because we go off track constantly. So pauses can be good too!

I watched a really interesting video about this as I do it also- it explained that neurodivergent people generally do this and speak in statements so if you're speaking to another neurodivergent person the conversation flows really well, but neurotypical people speak in questions and so it can feel rude and better to respond with questions. I'm sure it's not isolated to neurodivergent/neurotypical and can just be different conversational patterns but it explains why conversations can flow much better with some than others because you have different ways of communicating.