How to stop making conversations all about me?

[Livlab]

NC for this. I’m aware I’ll maybe get slated for this but I genuinely want to improve. I’ve recently become a new mum and I’m trying to make mum friends. There are women I speak to at the baby classes I go to but the friendship doesn’t seem to extend beyond the class and I think I’m the problem.

For some reason I always end up turning the conversation round to me! It comes from a good place of trying to relate but it actually probably comes across as rude and dismissive of what the other person is saying. I’ll give some examples

Me: how was your holiday
Friend: it was good but it was hard to keep baby cool
Me: yes I know what you mean. When we went to Spain it was difficult to keep DS out of direct sunlight

Me: what are you up to this week
Friend: taking baby swimming
Me: that will be good. I’m going to sign DS up to baby swimming classes. I got him a thermal swimsuit last week.

I am quite good at asking questions as I genuinely am interested, however I always end up making their response all about me!

Can anyone please share some advice on how I can be more mindful of this? And how I can continue the conversation to make the other person know I really am interested?

I’d also be interested to hear if you have anyone who commandeers the conversation like this and how it makes you feel!!!

I do the same. I think it is fine as part of a conversation but not as the default response every time.

Maybe try asking questions around their comment. E.g. baby swimming - 'Oh have you got him one of those little floater jackets? They are so cute.' Or just 'Sounds fun! ' There's not a lot you can ask about that one.

With the holiday one, you could say stuff like, 'Yeah, that can be tricky. Hope he didn't get too hot! - I'm thinking it might be easier just to holiday in UK for the next couple of years - what do you think?' Then you can end up chatting generally about nice UK places.

Does your friend ask questions about you? I have noticed that I volunteer stuff because my questions aren't always reciprocated by friends.

As a child I was told that asking questions was rude - don't be nosey! Conversations were where you talked about yourself for a while then shut up whilst your partner talked about themselves. Bonus points for your topics being vaguely related.

I must have been 25 when I figured it out. My family still speak like this.

Look at me making this thread about myself - I am trying to let you know I relate 😆

I don't think your examples are poor, I do think some people have been brought up to believe you only volunteer info if asked a question, in your scenario I'd counter your response to agree, expand a bit and ask you a question to keep the conversation going.

You are aware, so just keep reminding yourself. I do think conversations aren't particularly enjoyable if you both basically have to interview each other.

I could have written this post, especially because I've heard a few times in my life that people don't like being asked lots of questions and it makes them feel like they are being interrogated! What's a normal amount of questions vs a lot of questions - this appears to depend on who you are talking to (caveat here that I suspect I am autistic) but I'm still trying to figure out the formula!
What makes it even more confusing is that people have different levels of what 'personal' questions are, and then that varies according to the context in which you are familiar to them... then differences in personality, upbringing, background etc - its a minefield really. And I just want to get it right so people don't find me annoying! I've decided that accidentally appearing nosy is preferable to accidentally appearing self absorbed, so when in doubt I try to ask questions. So envious of people who always seem to get it right!

Same as you here OP! Comes from a place of showing them I relate and can understand but I feel I do end up monopolizing conversations too.

I can understand that being stressful @Foxblue . I think generally if you are asking about their enjoyment of things - holidays, hobbies etc - you can’t stray into anything too intrusive:“ have you been before?; “ would you like to go again!”; “ how often do you ride/play/go?”

I think your conversational style works well if the person you are talking to is less talkative or a bit shy. As long as you're watching out for non-verbal cues as to whether they are happy in the conversation, carry on as you are.

Oh OP….I’m you but a million times worse and I have to actively make myself listen to people and try not to spend the whole conversation planning what I’m going to say.

I often walk away from conversations feeling guilty that I’ve interrupted and not asked enough questions and basically just chatted away about myself.
I don’t really know what the answer is. I always tell myself ‘don’t just talk about yourself’ but then off I go…..

Tbh you don’t sound too bad.

Youre asking questions that’s the main thing. But maybe ask some follow up questions too.

Theres a mum at baby class I go to who is always on her own so I spoke to her once to include her and she just talked about herself no questions. I haven’t really spoken to her again.

This often comes across as arrogance and self-absorption, even when it in fact arises out of shyness and social anxiety, because the effect is the same - you’re not actually focused on, or listening properly to the other person, because you’re frantically planning what to say next.

Unfortunately, the other person doesn’t know this, and can come away from an encounter feeling ‘@GoodnightJude1 didn’t listen to a single word I said, and couldn’t wait to interrupt with her tales of holiday woe/toilet training/work drama.’

You're showing interest in others and making conversation, so that's not a bad thing. It's only natural to respond to an answer. If you want to make it less about you, you could ask further questions, like where are you taking X to for swimming, how is X getting on with the water etc.

It does take time for things to move onto another level friendship wise. When baby groups aren't on for a week or two, you could ask one or two if they'd like to meet for coffee, at a playground etc, or give them your number and say if they ever fancy getting together, let you know.

Thank you all for your kind and helpful replies!

I agree that I probably am overthinking things. I know the examples don’t seem too bad but I think a PP hit the nail on the head where someone answers my question and straight away I’m trying to relate and it’s as if I haven’t even taken their answer in.

I’ll be more mindful to actually listen to their answer before replying about myself!

It sounds like you are trying to find points of connection, which isn't a bad thing. I agree with PP, after your comment on how you can relate, you could go back to them:

"yes I know what you mean. When we went to Spain it was difficult to keep DS out of direct sunlight.

What was your favourite thing about (name of holiday place)?"

I don't see what's wrong with it. It's empathising with the other person and finding common ground. I do have to kick myself to offer further follow up questions sometimes but usually there is a back and forth and I'm not just talking about me.

I think that’s all you can do — actually listen to what the other person is saying, rather than what you anticipate they are going to, and have a bit of confidence in yourself that you will be able to reply when you’ve heard it, rather than planning your reply as they speak? Some of this sounds like a panicky ‘Oh, my god, if I don’t reply within 0.25 of a second with a funny anecdote about the baby attacking a passing dog with the little paper umbrella from my Virgin Mojito, this person is going to lose interest and go and talk to someone else!’

Slow it all down a bit. Take a breath.

Doesn't sound too bad to me - and I hate people going on about themselves!

The only thing I can think is if you're shoehorning in information that's not relevant or a bit braggy - ie instead of 'we went to Spain' it's a lavish, expensive, unrelate-to-able destination. I have an aquaintance who does this and it's beyond tedious

It's hard to go deeper when talking about whether babies are cool and what swimming class to attend. I'd take the opportunity to open up any topics you can beyond the pragmatics of child care, eg if the other person went to Spain, say 'I love Spanish food, tell me more about what you got up to'. Then you're offering more opportunities to properly get to know the other person and their deeper interests, values etc.

What you're doing sounds totally normal to me.

It is one of the symptoms of ADHD. Not saying you have that but it’s a very typical thing. It comes from trying to emphasise but it can come across as making the conversation about you.

See also - interrrupting, over sharing and over thinking. It’s not really boys being hyper active and naughty like we think.

I do it but I have to make a real effort to make sure I ask lots of questions on top of it and be quiet and listen more. I’m not doing it to make the conversation about myself I am empathising but it comes across wrong.

I think you are overthinking. The examples don't sound that bad. But if you are concerned about it, just add an extra question in.
Baby swimming:
How does your baby like it because I was thinking about signing my baby up for it?

It's also not great if you never mention anything to do with yourself either. You make connections with others by finding things in common with others. So with the baby swimming example if you just ask how her baby likes it but then don't mention anything to do with your baby, you're not making a connection there. By saying you are interested in baby swimming and ask for her experiences you are finding common ground with the other person. The next time you meet you can then say that you signed up to baby swimming and this and that happened and how is her baby getting on.

Another one guilty for this!

However I'd say over the past 4 years I've tried to make sure I ask questions instead of doing the back and forth and it feels like the chat just dies because people don't ask questions back! Whereas if I share a story about me, they often share one about them and at least it keeps flowing. So now I'm just not sure there's a 'right' way to do it tbh.

...i.e to use your example...

Me: how was your holiday
Friend: it was good but it was hard to keep baby cool
Me: oo how did they cope with the heat?
Friend: not too bad in the end, better than me!
Me: Are you not great with it?
Friend: No not really
Me: Oh...would you go on holiday somewhere cooler next time?
Friend: probably not
Me: struggles to think of what to say next....Conversation peters out...

Vs

Me: how was your holiday
Friend: it was good but it was hard to keep baby cool
Me: yes I know what you mean. When we went to Spain it was difficult to keep DS out of direct sunlight
Friend: Yes exactly, there's never any blooming shade around the pool!
Me: and babies aren't exactly good at keeping their hats on
Friend: right?! Speaking of hats, have you got a winter one in the next size up yet? we have a spare
Me: Oh that would be great! I was thinking of trying to knit one but that would be disasterous
Friend: Yeah I'm not at knitting yet...man remember when we had hobbies?

Conversation moves on to hobbies and other topics...

Though tbh these days it's more likely we get interrupted 5x during the chat which sends the conversation on several tangents, none of which ever get completed!

I was like this too. I consciously decided to reduce the amount I said "I". It was tricky at first but like anything it did become habit eventually

Update: two of the mums invited me out for coffee yesterday and we had a good chat and a good laugh! I think it was a mixture of overthinking things, not clicking with some mums and also putting my new conversation skills in to action!

This can be an ADHD trait, you're saying I hear and understand you by giving you an example of the situation that's similar to show I see and hear you.
It's not actually about you in that scenario it's about listening and empathy... 💜

Obviously may not be relevant just dropping here in case it resonates!

Good! Keep exercising them!