Worried about a friend's paranoia or could she be right to think this?

[LittlestVampire]

Not really sure what to make of this.

Saw a group of friends the other night and one friend said she's realised she's being stalked and it's been going on for some time. Obviously we were all shocked and asked if she'd reported it to the police. She said she hadn't because the police wouldn't believe her, and once she'd explained it I could see why.

Friend uses facebook and twitter, both completely publicly, no privacy controls, and apparently a woman she knows is always looking at her posts. They aren't friends or followers of eachother on either FB or twitter.

We asked if this woman was leaving nasty comments or sending dms, but friend says there's nothing, she's not even liking or reacting to her posts in any way.

So someone said if this woman is coming up as a suggested friend it doesn't necessarily mean she's looking at her page, it might just be fb's algorithms, but friend said that's not happening.

We asked if this woman always knows things about friend that she could only have got from her social media or if she keeps turning up in places friend said she would be going to, but apparently friend hasn't even seen her for several years.

Friend said she knew this woman peripherally for several years and she used to see her around quite a bit because they lived near to eachother but they barely ever spoke to eachother, then friend moved to the other side of town and hasn't seen her since.

Friend says there was always something a bit off about this woman and she didn't feel comfortable round her, but can't define why. And she says she she just knows, intuitively that this woman is looking at her social media.

Anyway we suggested she change her privacy settings on social media so only friends can see what she posts but friend says why should she change because of someone else's behaviour.

I'm concerned about friend, could there be something else going on in her life that she doesn't want to face, so she's imagined a kind of safe problem to fixate on, someone looking at her social media but not doing anything in real life, so she doesn't have to think about whatever bad things might really be happening? Could that be why she doesn't want to take the obvious fix of changing her privacy levels, because then she wouldn't have that to focus on anymore?

But then, don't people say you should trust your intuition, however unlikely it seems? What if friend is right about this woman and it escalates?

you all spent a LOT of time talking about what sounds like a bit of a non issue

let me guess… you think she’s generally a complete drama llama

Seems like this is all in your friend's mind - no evidence she is being stalked at all? Has your friend got other stressful things going on in her life?

But looking at someone's social media isn't stalking them, is it?

That's not stalking. Someone you know looking at posts on social media isn't stalking. She obviously doesn't have enough drama in her life so she's creating some. It obviously gets her attention.

It’s irrelevant whether or not this woman is looking at her public social media posts. That doesn’t constitute ‘stalking’, or anything like it. Just change the subject when she mentions it, or sigh and say ‘Emma, I’ve told you before, if you don’t like Angela looking at your SM, lock it down as private. Now, as I was saying…’

And she says she she just knows, intuitively that this woman is looking at her social media.

This is the bit that would worry me, but it would depend what else is going on with your friend. With some people it would just be silliness and drama, with others it would be uncharacteristic and alarming.

I’m so confused - how does she now the women is looking at her posts if there’s no interaction

Sounds like everyone was very patient with her but I wouldn’t be indulging anymore conversation on the topic. It’s awkward but I think I’d be saying as gently as possible that anything we put on social media (especially public) is for everyone to see. If she’s that concerned she could just block the women.

Yes, this is total bollocks

Does your friend suffer from any other delusions?

Of course "intuition" can be wrong. It often is. We tend not to remember when it is, and it can be valuable information, but it can also be bollocks.

Like PP, I would worry about this situation in proportion to whether this person is prone to generate silly drama but otherwise stable enough, or whether they are normally sensible and grounded, in which case I would have some concerns about whether their mental health was going in a bad direction.

of the Op knows it nonsense and isn’t the least bit worried

clearly doesn’t like the woman and didn’t like all the attention she garnered with this nonsense last night

How does she know this person is looking at her posts if they are not interacting with her? Is there a way of knowing this? Maybe there is and I just don’t know. What evidence has she got?

Even if this woman is looking at her SM, that’s not stalking. If she’s not got it set to private then she is literally inviting people to look. That’s what some people want (god knows why) - randoms being interested in what they do as if they are some kind of micro-celebrity. If she doesn’t want that, change the settings.

She is a bit of a drama llama, likes to be the centre of attention, but if she was just making it up for attention then wouldn't she make it a bit more dramatic? Claim she'd seen this woman somewhere she shouldn't have been for example?

I was concerned about her "intuitively knowing" about her looking at her social media too. I'm worried she could be ill or has something really stressful going on that she's hiding from.

To my knowledge there's absolutely no way you can know if someone has viewed either your facebook or twitter profiles if they're not liking or commenting.

She's been given a solution to adjust her privacy settings and block this alleged person (who hasnt contacted her so isnt a stalker) but chooses not to. She's enjoying the drama if she won't address it. Is she paranoid about anyone/anything else?

All she has to do is block this woman . I do it with people I don't like and with work colleagues. Sorted .

On Facebook someone can pop up as 'people you may know' if you have been looking at their page or they've looked at yours (without mutual friends).

Your friend sounds self-involved and overly dramatic. She has open social media and people view it. Yup. That's how open social media works. She could change settings to private if she doesn't want open viewing. Not interested. So... she wants to stay public but worry that a member of the public sees her posts?

FB is constantly sending me posts and stories by people i barely know and rarely posts from my closest friends. It just has screwy irritating algorithms.

"And she says she she just knows, intuitively that this woman is looking at her social media."

And I'd respond, why the fuck would she be looking at your social media? Talk about self obsessed

"On Facebook someone can pop up as 'people you may know' if you have been looking at their page or they've looked at yours (without mutual friends)."

Not according to Facebook 🤷🏽‍♀️

Btw, I actually was stalked, by a complete stranger, and I shut all my social media down for a while, and asked all my friends and family to keep quiet about me. I wasn't thrilled to have to do it, but I did it without hesitation for my own safety. If she really thought she were being stalked in a way that made her nervous, why would she put having randos access her social media above her safety?

Surely the whole point of having social media without any privacy settings is so that people can look at your page? If the woman is looking at a public page she’s not doing anything wrong and it’s not ‘stalking.’ I have looked at people I know’s public social media accounts without following or messaging them. If you put yourself onto social media publicly you have to accept anybody can look at your accounts, including people you know and might not particularly like. This is such a non issue!

oh they all fed her drama

and then bitched behind her back

If it is Instagram stories there will be a few people who think I'm obsessed with them as I tap through whatever comes up tap tap tap but they will be able to see I've looked. Same with WhatsApp status or whatever it's called.

She seems to be enjoying it, I'd just let her get in with it.