Worried about a friend's paranoia or could she be right to think this?

[LittlestVampire]

Not really sure what to make of this.

Saw a group of friends the other night and one friend said she's realised she's being stalked and it's been going on for some time. Obviously we were all shocked and asked if she'd reported it to the police. She said she hadn't because the police wouldn't believe her, and once she'd explained it I could see why.

Friend uses facebook and twitter, both completely publicly, no privacy controls, and apparently a woman she knows is always looking at her posts. They aren't friends or followers of eachother on either FB or twitter.

We asked if this woman was leaving nasty comments or sending dms, but friend says there's nothing, she's not even liking or reacting to her posts in any way.

So someone said if this woman is coming up as a suggested friend it doesn't necessarily mean she's looking at her page, it might just be fb's algorithms, but friend said that's not happening.

We asked if this woman always knows things about friend that she could only have got from her social media or if she keeps turning up in places friend said she would be going to, but apparently friend hasn't even seen her for several years.

Friend said she knew this woman peripherally for several years and she used to see her around quite a bit because they lived near to eachother but they barely ever spoke to eachother, then friend moved to the other side of town and hasn't seen her since.

Friend says there was always something a bit off about this woman and she didn't feel comfortable round her, but can't define why. And she says she she just knows, intuitively that this woman is looking at her social media.

Anyway we suggested she change her privacy settings on social media so only friends can see what she posts but friend says why should she change because of someone else's behaviour.

I'm concerned about friend, could there be something else going on in her life that she doesn't want to face, so she's imagined a kind of safe problem to fixate on, someone looking at her social media but not doing anything in real life, so she doesn't have to think about whatever bad things might really be happening? Could that be why she doesn't want to take the obvious fix of changing her privacy levels, because then she wouldn't have that to focus on anymore?

But then, don't people say you should trust your intuition, however unlikely it seems? What if friend is right about this woman and it escalates?

Your friend is deranged and attention seeking.

People you may know may appear as a friend suggestion if that person has any kind of link to you or one of your friends but there is no way you can tell if that person has ever looked at your individual posts.

I have had a few friend suggestions of people I may know and recognised their faces as people I've met on a dog walk and I don't know their name and they don't know mine and we don't have any mutual Facebook friends we simply live most likely in a ten mile radius of each other and have exchanged brief pleasantries.

Just tell your friend she's being absolutely ridiculous and is nothing special to warrant any kind of stalker behaviour from a random woman she met years ago.

We didn't feed her drama. We asked her questions because we were genuinely worried she was being stalked. Only the more she said the less it seemed she was being stalked.

Can't speak for the others who were there, but I haven't bitched behind her back.

Unless you count posting on here as bitching, but I'm not trying to be bitchy, just trying to make sense of it.

plot twist

social media means MN & OP is letting friend know she is still being watched and now friends and complete strangers think she’s gaga

in reality OP is the evil genius stalker!

<cue eastenders duff duffs>

I'm sorry that happened to you, DreadPirateRoberts. I hope you're safe from your stalker now.

I'm wondering too why she wouldn't just lockdown her social media if she's worry about who's looking at it.

I am, thank you, although the whole saga climaxed with break-ins and restraining orders. Strangest experience of my life.

yes but you probably don't have public privacy settings for everything

Someone is looking at information she is publishing on a public forum and now she thinks she is being stalked?

How do some people manage to get out of bed in the morning?

So you friend is being stalked by someone, but has no interaction with her, not seen her, has had no contact from her, and the only ‘evidence’ is that she ‘knows’ this person is viewing her profile? And yet she doesn’t want to change her privacy settings! Mmmm.

I have suggested Facebook friends of people I don’t know, usually friends of friends who Facebook suggests I may know.

@timeforanewmoniker

You can limit past posts on your settings .

yes but the friend doesn't want to.

I hope Good boy Ollie doesn't think I'm stalking him 🙄

Well anyone with completely public social media has to accept that they can't choose who looks at it. Facebook does not work like that, just because she is a suggested friend doesn't mean she has viewed her profile.

She sounds fucking stupid tbh though. Not very bright and seeking attention. I wouldn't have any time for her.

I suspect the friend doesnt like this other person for some random reason (maybe fixated, feel threatended? jealous?) - also I suspect that she is secretly piqued that this other person doesnt like, comment or provide adulation in the form of emojis etc her posts.

That’s really weird of your friend. The whole there is no evidence but she knows intuitively. Which translates as she’s imagining it.

she’s not being stalked but I’d assume mental health issues.

It may be she's paranoid - but just because she's paranoid doesn't mean there isn't someone out to get her, as the saying goes.

I had a situation where I was being bullied at work. There were several things that made me uncomfortable, and I dismissed them totally as me being paranoid. I would feel uneasy, then guilty at feeling uneasy because I was clearly just making things up in my head, because they would be just ridiculous. And then I worried because I was making things in my head as more than they were.

This had gone on for about three years when someone was chatting to me and confirmed, without me saying anything, that they had noticed several of those things. Since I've left then several other people have mentioned that they had seen it too.

One thing that I haven't told anyone since I left because I think they would have the same reaction as you is that when I left I blocked the main two offenders on FB. Not because I was hiding anything from them, but because I get such a physical reaction to seeing them, it was for my own benefit.
Also one of them does use FB to spread his lies and manipulation, so I didn't want to know what he was saying.

So I blocked them. Within a week, two people who were the most friendly with the bullies at work were the top two people on my FB suggested friend list consistently, having never been suggested before.
So I blocked them.
Within a week the partner of one of the bullies and the partner of one of the two above people were the top two suggested people. I have never had any contact with either, nor do I have friends in common with either.

Now to my ears this feels paranoid, so I haven't told anyone. I also suspect the reaction would be "what's the problem? Not doing any harm to you."
But it makes me feel unsafe. No, I don't think that either of them will go further than lies and slander, and I know they've done that, but it's an uncomfortable feeling that they are trying to watch.

It's not as though I use FB much. It tends to be once a month, and normally just a photo of something I'm/the dc are doing. I've never used it to rant or anything like that.

She's attention seeking. Has a bad feeling but not enough to supposedly protect her social media content? I say she's bad mouthing the other woman. I'd be wary of this friend.

it’s an anonymous chat forum op

you don’t need to tell us porkies!

You don’t like the drama llama generally and you’re not the least bit “concerned” about her

This is grim. Can you go totally private? You are not being paranoid - I would go further and suggest that more than one of your ex colleagues is bitching about you behing your back.

Thats the thing about bullys - they go just enoughh beloe the belt to wound but also only far enough to claim plausable deniability if called out by someone - or to tuen it on you as its just a joke/bantz and you are too sensitive. Also sometimes you fear you would sound disproportionate for calling out the single slight......but its the totality of the compounding impact of lots of litte daggers that does the damage over time - and thats their intention - death by a 1000 cuts.

Glad you have moved on from that environment - but it seems the sickos and their nasty little gang are hounding you still. You are not paranoid. Other have seen enough of it to point it out to you. They may well ave heard more.

@Norahh
Thank you! I thought I would get replies saying I was being just paranoid and attention seeking.
I know they're bitching behind my back. I know that some of the people have just been manipulated so far that they can't admit that the bullies could possibly have done anything. And the bullies have the fan crowd, who will say (and believe) anything.

I did have my fb set on privacy "Friends of friends". It's now just friends, and I keep it to people I know and trust, mostly family and old school friends.

Thats the thing about bullys - they go just enough beloe the belt to wound but also only far enough to claim plausable deniability

That was entirely my issue. They were very good at "I only meant" and also because they knew what had happened, very good at covering their backs. If I explained what had happened, they'd say "but that can't be right because he'd said..." and think he was totally innocently saying it, when actually he was covering up what he'd done.

I know that in some ways I know I am paranoid. The car sprang a major oil leak about a week after the MOT, which only didn't lead to a fire because I smelt the burning oil, and my immediate thought was had it been deliberately cut - I know they wouldn't do it themselves, but getting someone else (so with the plausible deniability aspect) to do something like that.
I don't think they did. I slightly less am sure that they wouldn't do that sort of thing if they found someone who could do it and they wouldn't get caught. But the doubt remains. That's how ridiculously my head can go, and I hate it.

It's vairy, vairy hard... especially when you're such an important person. ..

Yes this!

You were / are being gaslit - by all the toxic people in that environment - the actual bullies, their sidekicks, the enablers, deniers and apologists.

In that environment you are always hypervigilant - and at times may be trigger to see things disproportionate - which is understandable when you dont know which way is up.

Only way is getting out of these environments - you cant fight them - you will never win.

Ditto but if there's a way people can tell, please say! No I'm not a stalker but I have occasionally had a look at exes on Twitter and I'd rather they didn't know. Haven't done it on Facebook because I'd be concerned it would then bring me up as a suggested friend for them.

Unless someone is actively liking your posts or commenting on them or sharing them, you can't tell if someone is looking at FB or Twitter posts. There is no 'user looked at your post function' unlike some other social media.

if you have public social media, that's the whole point of it - for people to look.

so either your friend is a raging drama queen looking for attention out of nothing or just a nutcase. you know her best. you pick.

Someone looking at your social media isn't stalking. She can't intuitively 'know' that the woman is anyway! She sounds like a tedious attention seeker 🥱 I wouldn't give it another thought OP!