I've found a box full of dummies under my 11 year old daughters bed

[Clafaci]

Hi I'm not sure what to do about this, I was cleaning my dd room yesterday a found a box full of dummies under her bed! She hasn't had dummies since she was 6. I know 6 is a bit old but me and my partner was going through a rough patch at the time and it seemed that was her only comfort. When me and dh had sorted things I told her she was getting older and had to get rid of them which she gladly did. But now years down the line I've come across this. I haven't moved the box as I was surprised and unsure what to do. I haven't confronted her, can anyone share any ideas. Please be nice

What is there to do? I presume they are just a keepsake?

Why do you need to confront her?

I remember it was a ‘trend’ for tweens to have dummies at some point when I was a teenager. Like it was some sort of quirky habit.

You can leave them there, or you can take them away.

If she asks where they have gone, you can say you didn’t realise you still had them and so were recycling to make space as she doesn’t use dummies anymore.

I don’t think she needs ‘confronting’.

Leave them there, it doesn't matter.

Did you yourself get rid of the old dummies, is there any chance they could be the old ones ?

Leave her be.
It's harmless and she's entitled to some privacy.

I don't know why you see it as a problem but confronting her sounds shaming. Please don't do this, making children feel ashamed can cause all sorts of issues later in life.

I would get rid. If she's using them I doubt she's sterilising them 🤮. Definitely talk to her about it. Are they old ones of hers or has she bought them? Hopefully they're not random ones she has found out and about 🤢

"Confront" seems overly aggressive.

There’s nothing to confront here

I’m assuming that they are ones she’s gone out and bought, not ones she’s had since she was 6?

I would mention I’d found them while cleaning and ask if she still wanted them.

I'd be asking about them, it's not good to use dummies because of teeth etc

Hmmm… Where is an 11 year old getting money to buy loads of packs of dummies, and what shop are they going to to buy them, alone?

Why would an 11 year old need their dummies sterilising?

I have thought about this, they do look clean but like they've been used.

Well obviously because if she's still using them secretly and uses them when she's ill then she'll be sucking on dummies full of germs. If they're left damp under her bed then who knows what bacteria is growing on them.

What was your 'rough patch' and why was your daughter aware of it OP? It sounds like she might need counselling for whatever she's been through. Where did these dummies come from? Has she bought them herself?

I would be really concerned about the impact of the rough patch on her and why at 11 she still feels she needs dummies. She sounds like she is really struggling and needs a lot of help, I'd be very worried about her.

That's what I did, but of she is still using them I want her too feel confident to tell me

Please talk to your daughter, that's the first step to do.

Why does she need to talk to her?

She has gone out with her friends this morning. She has about 20- 30 in there. I'll talk to her later about them. I hope she doesn't get embarrassed about it

I think ignore it and tell her to start cleaning her own room or give her a cupboard drawer that is for her use only. I think you are invading her privacy.

Are they old dummies, that might have been put in a box when she was 6, and kept as a memento? At 35, I still have my old Teddy in a box somewhere and wouldn't ever throw him out, even if he hasn't been cuddled for years. As she was older when she stopped using them, I can see she might have a similar reminiscent attachment, without actually still using them.

I hate to put this in your head,but please could you check these haven't been sent to her by an online 'friend'. Also check any social media she might have. I know she is only 11 but she might have accounts you don't know about on an iPad or whatever. Won't go into anymore detail but just on case.

If they were purchased by her for comfort, I would suggest replacing with milkshake through a thin straw, slushies or getting a load of ice poles in- same sensory reward but more age appropriate

Does she have any issues with her teeth? Odd overbite or arched teeth or anything else? Dummies are discouraged because they can effect the shape of the growing jaw and teeth but if this isn't a problem then there is no harm in her having or using them.

I would mention them personally and ask if she still wants them, use that to have a conversation. Stress that you don't mind she uses them but ask how frequently because if e.g. it's all night every night then that won't be good assuming she is still growing.

Might be a good idea to take her to the dentist to check up anyway.