A colleague tells you they’re being assaulted routinely- what’s the best way to support them?

[FantaBarbara]

That’s it really.
I’d commented the other day that my colleague didn’t seem herself.

She broke down ,completely
out of the blue and told me that her partner was forcing her to have sex several times a night - every night 😥

I think I was useless. We found a DV charity and I told her she was safe at work but I really feel
out of my depth but want to support her as well as I can. I know that her partner is violent so a little frightened to get too involved 😫
Any advice would be appreciated - I cannot tell anyone else at work as I want to be discreet

Do you have a staff handbook? That might contain guidance for what the expectations are for colleagues to do if a disclosure is made.

I would consider telling her manager, if no handbook.

Can you encourage her to confide in HR? Is there an employee helpline she could contact?

Do you know if she's called the DV helpline? Sometimes it takes several attempts to gather the strength to make the call.

She's reached out to you because you are obviously someone she trusts and feels comfortable sharing with. Keep talking with her and offering your support.

But encourage her to find other more qualified support too - you could quickly find yourself out of your depth and this poor woman needs professional help to get out of this relationship urgently.

She can contact Rape Crisis or her local domestic abuse organisation. They'll be able to support her and keep her safe.

It might be an idea to simply ask her what she wants to do and support her with what she says while steering her towards a support service.

Yes- we googled the nearest DV charity on my phone as hers gets handed over as soon as she is home. Nobody from work is allowed to text her.

No way am I telling her manager - he’s not a good guy.

HR might be worth considering- I’ll ask her

Sometimes it can be as simple as asking if she'd like you to be with her while ahead makes the call.

I didn’t think about this. Thank you

She can download the Bright Sky app
https://www.hestia.org/brightsky

Lots of info on domestic abuse support. It's disguised as a weather app so her partner won't see it.

I would offer to be with her while she calls the DV charity. Tell her you're always ready to listen and that you will offer practical support if/when she wants to leave. Emphasise that she is in control of her own decisions and that you will support her.

This looks great: if she is worried about it being on her phone, could you download it so she can look at it at work in safety?
If she does not feel safe to go home I believe the police can help her go to a safe place; if I am wrong about that I apologise. Certainly Women's Aid will be able to give advice, if you felt able would you call them or be with her whilst she calls them at work?
Thank you for being a friend to her

thank you for supporting your friend

definitely leave with support from Womens Aid or similar and police - leaving a violent relationship is the most dangerous time.

please don’t try to do it two women alone.

You should have a safeguarding lead, it's usually someone in HR, they should have access to materials with referral and contact information as well as access to legal advice on whether they need/should support the employee to notify police etc.

Women's Aid have an info page for people in your position:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

Can you lend her your phone during the work day, so she can make calls to rape crisis or a dv helpline without being tracked. You could also help her buy a burner phone if she can.

A burner phone is a great idea. Maybe leave it safe at work when she leaves for the day. I hope she gets the help she needs. You are a good friend to her OP.

Please please don't tell HR or anyone else at work. When have HR ever made a life better? They are there to protect the company...and gossip.

Ask her what she'd like to happen. Lend your ear, phone, time. You're a good friend

She's being raped. Please try and encourage her to go to the police. He can be arrested and removed. Removing her phone is coercive and controlling behaviour. Women's Aid will help. Poor woman.

Yes already did this looking for contacts and support for her

these are such brilliant suggestions , many many thanks

Agree with @LettyToretto - don't tell HR. They're often not that great or discreet and could really fuck things up and make it worse for her.

She needs your continued trust and discretion. Knowledge and empowerment are key.

Women's Aid are definitely a good shout.

You've helped her so so so much already - she's taken that first step and been believed and treated kindly. That will make all the difference x

She told me quite a bit of detail

she was doubting herself, blaming herself. It was staggering to see how little confidence she had. She’s a truly lovely woman and I’m so sad that she’s been going through this.

Do you have an Employee Assistance Programme? Many larger employers and certainly all public sector employers do. She can get advice and support, and even some free counselling, through that, if so, without going via HR. I’m so sorry, this is a horrible situation for her, but also for you.

The police will put everything in place if she calls them. They will refer her to victim support and local domestic violence services. They will arrest her husband and bail him not to have contact with her for a minimum of 28 days. They will make a MARAC referral for her which multiagencies will discuss together and come up with a plan to protect her and ensure she has access to services.

The help is out there but a report to the police is the gateway to it.

How awful for her. I hope there is a process for HR to help with accessing counselling, helping her work be flexible if she needs to make a swift exit from home. I'm not sure but would HR be obliged to tell the police? I'm not sure if the perpetrator isn't working there or it happens away from work. I hope you friend can get all the support she needs. Would she go to the police?

I can’t really advise anything else other then what previous have suggested but I just want to say. I hope you are okay as well as this woman subjected to this abuse every day. I know you have to leave this woman to go home to it every day and it must be on your mind all the time until you see her again. I just know you very well could be the support and strength she needs to get out so keep going and being that amazing person you are.

im far from amazing - you’d be a monster to not help someone who’d confided such a terrible thing.

You’re bang on- I’m thinking of her constantly -she went home early today and I’m panicking wondering what she is going home to x