A colleague tells you they’re being assaulted routinely- what’s the best way to support them?

[FantaBarbara]

That’s it really.
I’d commented the other day that my colleague didn’t seem herself.

She broke down ,completely
out of the blue and told me that her partner was forcing her to have sex several times a night - every night 😥

I think I was useless. We found a DV charity and I told her she was safe at work but I really feel
out of my depth but want to support her as well as I can. I know that her partner is violent so a little frightened to get too involved 😫
Any advice would be appreciated - I cannot tell anyone else at work as I want to be discreet

Do you have an EAP through work that she can access?

Gosh, this makes me think nobody before you has validated her. Obviously I don't know the circumstances, but let's say she mentioned a light version of this to a home friend or relative, they've invalidated her and on and on and on, and she finally erupts to someone at work. You might have been the first person to actually believe her.

I agree with PPs- that you're believing her and confirming her thoughts that this isn't ok will be pivotal

How sad, poor woman. I'm glad she was able to confide in you and find that bravery somehow to ask for help.

The HR comments are (as usual) beyond ridiculous. You should definitely encourage her to talk to them, they would be obliged to keep it confidential and just offer guidance. I'm a Senior HR Manager and I actually managed a similar case myself today. We contacted Womens Aid together, she's got some counselling sorted now with our health services/EAP...among other things.

Womens Aid were brilliant - very supportive and advised on what approach it was best to take. Perhaps your colleague could speak to them.

@FantaBarbara ofcourse anyone would but she must see you as someone she can trust and confide in which makes you amazing in her eyes as she must feel comfort!

I geniunely hope you get through this together and it all works out.

Please find out who your designated safeguarding lead is at your organisation. This should be treated as a significant disclosure and must really be escalated to police (a crime is being committed) or at least to other external agencies. At my organisation this would activate all of our safeguarding procedures to ensure the safety of an employee. I hope you find that there is something similar in place as you shouldn't be unsupported in dealing with this disclosure.

You could call adult social care or get her to..

What are you expecting adult social care would do in this situation?

Nothing the OP has described suggests her colleague has eligible care and support needs for adult Social Care to become involved through a s.42 enquiry or non statutory enquiry They would just signpost her back to the police and local domestic violence services.b

Be there for her. For as long as it takes her to leave.

I'd also get her to memorise your address in case she needs a safe place.

We had a similar situation at work with a young woman. HR were actually amazing, they provided us with lots of useful contacts and even arranged for the woman to access one of the on call doctors flats in the trust should she need emergency accommodation at short notice.

Sounds like you have lots of helpful advice on here

If she is willing to contact the police support her to do this as early as possible in the morning.

She can then present at her local housing office and say she is homeless due to domestic abuse (she could also do this without calling the police). They should assess her and Should offer at least temporary accommodation or refer to a refuge. She can be gone by the time he realises. I'd caution against bringing possessions so as not to cause suspicion. She might need support rebuilding her life and you can be there for her. The fact that she's disclosed to you is significant. She trusts you and you can support her to be safer. She might not chose to do this now but she now knows you will help when she is ready.

This.

This is coercive and controlling behaviour. Police will be very, very interested and supportive.

Nothing else to add except that I think you did exactly the right thing OP. However, now that you’ve thought about it more and taken a breath, you may want to tell her that you are there to help.

Listen to her, keep talking to her. This is not a HR issue and they should not be involved. HR may feel obliged to tell her manager which you did not want.

Make sure she knows you are there to support her and will accompany her to whatever help she decides to seek from Women's aid, police, etc

Oops pressed ‘post’ too soon. Just let her know you are there to help her get the real help she needs.

I told her she could get togther some bags for her and the kids with essentials should she need to leave in a hurry and they could be stored at my house
she’s ’allowed’ to drive so this is feasible

only thing that concerns me is he comes to our place of work (hospitality ) when he’s not at work and doesn’t leave when things are bad - I thought this was odd and wondered if there were MH issues but did not realise it was a control thing - he believes that as there are men at work she must be having sex with them all 😥
he obviously won’t think that about me and I feel guilty saying this but I’m trying to keep every thing discreet because I don’t want him to harass me or to become violent with me whilst I’m at work

Her immediate safety should be the priority.

Call women's aid & get a place in a refuge/homeless accommodation- she is homeless as she has nowhere safe to live.

If it's safe to do so it is helpful if she can retrieve documents or at least photocopies & also any evidence of the crimes.

Go to the police and a solicitor so she can get an order to stop him coming near her.

She will need a new phone asap.

She can contact hr and her gp to get signed off sick for a couple of weeks until she gets sorted. She needs to change her personal in case of emergency if it's him so no one accidentally gives away her new address.

It's understandable that you feel nervous about his reaction but I doubt he will show up at your work behaving aggressively - he's a coward who abuses his partner behind closed doors. But if he does come to your work and do anything that makes you worried, call the police immediately.

Thank you guys
lots of great advice here

Make sure she knows that she can talk to you whatever she does, most dv victims take many attempts to leave and often go back to the abuser for a period, she needs to know if she does that you will still be there, I found it embarrassing telling people I needed help again and therefore didn't ask.

Idk if any pp have suggested this but, quite seriously, I would encourage her to join Mumsnet and start her own thread on here. She will get every little bit of information she needs to get away from him and support at all hours.

Sadly, there are many Mumsnetters who have been through the same. Somewhere there is a post with links to all the help and resources she can turn to.

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/domestic-violence-webguide

Here is the link to the webguide put together by MNHQ.

If you look in the Relationships talk topic you'll see other links at the top of the page. I seriously would encourage your colleague to join and read them - she may feel she has no options, but all this information will show that she does.

Have assured her I won’t judge and even if she can’t leave right now she won’t get any pressure from me -I’ll be an ear

hopefully she will reach out when she needs x

An escape bag is really useful, if bit by bit she can remove essential items from the house and store them with you. Passports, birth certs, medication, personal things like jewellery and photos.

Useful info below from West Sussex website,based in the South East so prob not local to you but the advice is good and applies nationwide.

www.westsussex.gov.uk/fire-emergencies-and-crime/domestic-abuse/things-you-can-do-if-youre-in-an-abusive-relationship/

he obviously won’t think that about me and I feel guilty saying this but I’m trying to keep every thing discreet because I don’t want him to harass me or to become violent with me whilst I’m at work

It's probably also your instinct to keep things as normal as possible. If they sense changes in their victim's demeanour/behaviour they can escalate so it's important to keep things as 'normal' as possible, for safety's sake (such as it is already).

Best of luck to your colleague and thank you for helping her

It is great that you are supporting this woman and offering her a phone.
I would be hesitant to go to HR myself, this is personal and serious would you want a workplace knowing and being aware, is it a highly professional and kept private workplace also the fact it may remain a long term workplace and be uncomfortable once her life's changed.
Personally I would keep it to the actual agencies & police.
Is she entitled to some stress leave to have some time out and go to the agencies.
Hopefully without her partners knowledge.
How awful and scary.