What was the impact on the sense of family life when your first born left home?

[Emptyingthenest]

Our first born goes to uni this weekend and I feel so sad that our life as a family unit that happily rubs along together each day will come to an end. I can’t imagine what our family will feel like with one of the children gone. Yes there are long uni holidays but next summer she will work abroad so that’s the longest holiday without us already planned. Her uni is four hours drive away.

How did others experience this transition? Did it impact on the cohesive feeling of a family unit even with the children left at home? Did everything feel fractured and like family life as a whole was beginning to end? Did you find ways to retain a sense of the whole family being one or is that just unrealistic?

FWIW we have 3 kids: 18, 16, 12 and they have all always got on well with one another and well with us. Even with teens we have usually eaten together in the evenings, done stuff together at weekends eg out to lunch or long dog walks or entertaining family and friends, travelled together each summer for several weeks, watched each other at sporting events etc so it’s felt very cohesive up til now.

I dont know. My youngest is about to leave and i cant face it, which sounds ridiculous. With no kids at home im wondering what my purpose is now.

I think this is one of those times when you allow yourself to feel the grief whilst trying to hold onto gratitude for what you have had. Your family life sounds like it has been absolutely idyllic. You have been very, very fortunate. Focus on remembering the joy and abundance you have had. Many would give their eye teeth to have had a family life like that.

Congratulate yourself on a job well done as they make their own way in the world.

Start planning to make the Christmas break special.

It's an opportunity to spend more time with your other DC too.

Thanks. I know I am lucky and I know I should be thankful. I guess what I’m trying to ask is does family ever feel intact and fulfilling in the same way after one child leaves or does it always feel like it’s a fractured family that isn’t what it once was.

It would feel forever fractured if they died but since they’ve grown and the only thing you’ll really be missing is having all your babies sleeping under one roof you could perhaps do will some perspective

Are you from a multi sibling family OP? I'm the eldest of four and left home first. I'm sure the others felt it was odd for a time, but there is a resettling and adjustment period and then things carry on in the new normal. All 3 of my siblings and I still live in the same town 20 years later, and we see each other at significant birthdays and Christmas and various times during the year. We have our own lives and also our shared family memories and affection, and even though we don't see each other as often, the bond is very strong. You're going to be ok, and it will be a bit strange for a while but also lovely to watch them forge their own adult lives as well x

I feel there will be a DD shaped hole in our house and our lives
This will be her home as long as she wants but I feel that she will always be a visitor now.
I am being brave as I am so happy for her and so proud but inside I feel like someone is holding my heart and keeps squeezing it - it almost feels like a physical pain

I miss my eldest badly. He contacts and visits, and is living a happy life, so I am better off than some, but it still hurts.

My youngest and last one at home is saving for a deposit and will be gone soon too.

You actually just have to get used to it and enjoy any benefits like cheaper bills or less washing. I'm making new friends and taking up hobbies and interests that I didn't always have time for.

If you still live in the family home it will still feel like home even when they come to see you. My daughter still comes in and looks in the food cupboard to see what there is to snack on and I used to do the same when I went home.

I haven't lived in my parents house for nearly 20 years and I don't feel like a visitor when I go there. I grew up there, I know where everything is, I scooch myself up on the kitchen worktop the same as I always have... your daughter won't be a vistior.

Also, chances are she'll move back after uni!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5152920-why-doesnt-anyone-tell-you-about-the-grief?page=13&reply=138406833

My dd1 very much had her own life for a couple of years before she left for uni, 160 miles away. She'd started partying quite hard, had a p/t job, was driving around etc. The little things I missed about her was going shopping, watching TV, getting a coffee together etc. I didn't really notice a change to the family unit tbh. We hadn't done stuff like sit round the dinner table together for years! So even when she's home she still catches up with friends a lot so I don't see a massive amount of her. I just love our daily messages & phone calls & hearing about what a great time she's having. I couldn't be happier for her

Thank you but the career she wants and is passionate about is best persued outside The UK so if she does come back after Uni it will mean she isn't doing what she has dreamt of and studied for so it won't be a good thing.
On the plus side I just removed her from my Car insurance and saved over £1000!!!

I had bouts of full on sobbing over 3 days when ds1 told me he was moving 4 hours away (I obviously kept this from him). Then, I started getting involved with his job applications and I began to feel excited and very proud of him. He left home in February and is really enjoying his life.

Thank goodness for Facetime! He comes home occasionally and I go there to visit him. ExH and I separated 5 years ago so it is just myself and my youngest living at home now.

You do get used to it, I promise.

I must be a really harsh uncaring cow because when my eldest moved out I realised how much easier things are with just two kids rather than three!

Even though they are teenagers it's so much easier to keep tabs on just two 😆

Anyway, eldest is off living his best life and I see him a couple of times a year. I'm happy that he is happy and really can't imagine feeling sad about him moving on with his life.

I'm probably a psychopath though. 😬

The main impact on our household when DS1 (eldest of 3) moved out was that the house was much quieter. He's the loud, sociable one in a family of quiet introverts.

He was followed by DS2 only a year later. I wasn't too upset, really. They were excited to go and start their new lives and they are happy. I still see them quite often as they aren't too far away.

DS3 is still at home for now and I do think I'll feel a wrench when he goes.

Our house was much quieter and less fractious! DS is a lovely man but very driven, independent and strong willed - great traits in terms of getting things done and moving ahead in life, not so great when you’re living with a family who won’t always bend to your wishes. We found our relationship with him improved massively when he moved out - he loves living his own life but also loves having the backing of a supportive family who are also there for him.

Our purpose in life isn't just to be a parent.
When DD went to university I joined a hobby group and a charity. I also work.

Can I jump on and ask how younger siblings have coped?

My two are very close and my youngest is distraught at the idea of his sister moving away.

It does, from time to time, briefly feel like the old days.
Mostly however it's different, there's no way round this, those golden years are gone.
Having said that it's a long slow process. The holidays are very long and everything slips back to the old family thing for a while. Then the second one goes to uni (much harder). Still you have those holidays. Both of mine bounced back for a year after uni as well.

Now they've properly left home we do a couple of long weekend breaks away every year.
Christmas is the only time all the chicks are back in the nest for a night. That will end when they have their own DC eventually.

I was very sad initially although I didn't tell her that! I was just supportive and encouraging of her uni adventure. I'm a lone parent and my youngest was only 5 at the time. It was weird just being the two of us in the house and I missed daughter's evening company and adult conversation. As it happens, she never did come home! Graduated and moved into her own place as she had a job to go to. We have a great relationship and she's close to her little brother. We thoroughly enjoy it when she visits for a weekend or we go to see her. It's change isn't it? It's difficult but they have to fly the nest at some point!

Sorry for not sugar coating but when my DS left it was never quite the same again.

Even when he's back home to visit, we don't chat the same as we used to or take the mick/giggle immaturely like toddlers etc.

It becomes a different relationship, not worse or better, just different.

No it definitely didn't feel as dramatic as 'fractured'. We miss her and it feels different without her but the rest of us lead busy lives and our routine carries on. We chat on facetime and message regularly and visit her. We absolutely feel like a family of 5 still and I can't see that ever changing.

Following with interest, I'm not there yet DS has just gone into the sixth form so we have 2 more years.

I'm absolutely buzzing for him, I can't wait to see him spread his wings and live his life. My perception is probably skewed as I was barely 18 when I had him so my young adult life was very different.

Different situation for us as DD basically left the family unit at 16 (decided she was going to a private school and (other than lifts and us filling in paperwork) went out and got herself a scholarship at a school out of county. On the approach I dreaded it and I had a few tears after we'd said goodbye to her, but within hours phone calls about what she'd been doing/photos - that really helps if you've got a DC who keeps in touch, it made me even more proud of what she'd achieved. She was our only one and we found ourselves naturally embracing it, it was easy to just go out and do our own thing when we wanted (not having to wait for DD to get up), we started going out more by ourselves, didn't have to worry about making sure there was food or she had a key if we were out.