What was the impact on the sense of family life when your first born left home?

[Emptyingthenest]

Our first born goes to uni this weekend and I feel so sad that our life as a family unit that happily rubs along together each day will come to an end. I can’t imagine what our family will feel like with one of the children gone. Yes there are long uni holidays but next summer she will work abroad so that’s the longest holiday without us already planned. Her uni is four hours drive away.

How did others experience this transition? Did it impact on the cohesive feeling of a family unit even with the children left at home? Did everything feel fractured and like family life as a whole was beginning to end? Did you find ways to retain a sense of the whole family being one or is that just unrealistic?

FWIW we have 3 kids: 18, 16, 12 and they have all always got on well with one another and well with us. Even with teens we have usually eaten together in the evenings, done stuff together at weekends eg out to lunch or long dog walks or entertaining family and friends, travelled together each summer for several weeks, watched each other at sporting events etc so it’s felt very cohesive up til now.

That's pretty much how it is with us as well (3 in our case).
As parents we have to learn to let go.

After 5 years away DD is back temporarily while she applies for post grad, but then she will be away again.

We are older parents with no local family and DD is an only child, and I not only want but need DD to be self sufficient.

It makes you appreciate them even more when they come home for holidays and all your ducklings are back under one roof.

You're so right with the bills! Number one left home six years ago. Number two spent the summer in Europe and my bills dropped dramatically!

To be honest when my first born (ds) it was a relief. Not because we didn’t get on, we did and still very much do but he brought a lot of chaos to the house, he got his girlfriend pregnant at 17, then she moved in and it was a nightmare as I had 3 other kids as well. But they got a flat and moved out so calm was restored. He’s at mine more often than not and still helps himself to my cupboards 😂which I love.

dd1 has just graduated and moved to another country and I miss her terribly as I don’t often see her and she’s self sufficient so doesn’t really need me anymore.

my other two are teens and I’m dreading them going

I only have one child & he left for uni 4 years ago. I felt a very strong sense of loss & grief for what was and it took about a year to really come to terms with it.

He’s finished & moved back home now and while I am happy for him to be at home it has disrupted the new pattern we have settled into and I’m finding it difficult to adjust to him being the man he is rather than the boy he was when he left. It is different from when he was back for the holidays.

Don’t think of it as a fracture, but rather an evolution. Our job as parents is to raise our kids so that they are ready to go out into the world and thrive as purposeful and successful adults. In effect, then leaving the nest has been the objective all along.
Congratulate yourself on your amazing success at providing such a wonderful home life, and appreciate the evolution to your family that it brings.
It’s not a broken family life, it’s a new variety of family life for you all to adapt to and enjoy.

I still giggle with my DSS when he’s home and he’s over 30 now! Maybe we’re just really immature?

I’m dreading the younger ones leaving, but it is the natural way of things. As long as they are happy, that’s all that really matters. It’s just an adjustment.

In my case yes it does feel like my family is still intact and fulfilling, but in a different way. I have 4 DCs. We were a family like yours. We did lots together. Big, close extended family. Everyone gets on really well.

I am a few years ahead of you. My oldest has just graduated and is travelling. The second has left for uni. It can be hard but I have waited and in time got used to my family at home being different. I miss how it was, but I take a lot of joy in seeing them grow independent and how our family is evolving. I think of the end goal as them all being self sufficient and us still having a really strong connection.

And there are positives along the way. It has in turn allowed the other DCs to take up more space at home and become ‘the oldest’. It’s fun to hear about your DCs adventures away from home. It’s fun to visit them as a family. When you do get together it’s fabulous. We have a very funny family group chat. And there’s a lot less laundry.

I still feel like we are a close family. They do, and will increasingly do their own thing. But they really like and value us getting together. It may be less frequent but it’s still the same family feeling when we are together, even if it’s on facetime.

I am 54 and still have this feeling with my own 3 siblings. We holiday together every year with our families.

Best of luck to your DC at uni. And to you navigating this significant change as a parent.

When DS1 went to Uni it felt like our family was being torn apart. But really it wasn’t, it was just evolving. We saw him quite often, he came home or we visited. Christmas was great as he was excited to be back. Enjoyed his company rather than taking it for granted. Less if a wrench when DS2 went to Uni as DS1 was at home working in a placement year. We had one year with an ‘empty nest’ - life was certainly easier! Now due to rental costs both children (late 20s) living at home! Be careful what you wish for 😂

We are quite close so we still saw eldest roughly every six weeks so didn't feel too bad. It was harder when she went travelling. Middle one went to uni about a hour away so we usually saw her a couple times a month. Both working now and split between ours and boyfriends usually there's either 7 of us or just me dh and ds!

My youngest was very upset at the thought of her sibling “leaving” to go to university. They had a little cry together when we said goodbye in her new Hall of residence.

But do you know what? She has been fine! For a few days the house felt a bit strange but we all got used to the difference!

I asked my youngest how she was feeling recently and she was surprised that it has been ok. She said the thought of it was worse than the reality .

Thank you @kublacant , that is so good to hear.