Gentle boy & rough play at school

[Brokendisc]

Hi my DS aged 5 seems to be struggling with friendships at school because he doesn’t enjoy rough play. It’s a fairly small school and he tells me that all the boys in his class enjoy mostly playing games that he thinks are “scary” and involve “fighting”. He prefers to play tag, hide and seek etc. There is one boy in his class who will sometimes not get involved in the rough play but he’s a bit erratic and when he drops my son to play these games he will tell him he can’t play with them my son gets really down about this like he was today. I’ve asked him to join in with the girls games but he says the girls say that boys are yucky.

Any suggestions for how to help him as it break my heart to see him down. Should I just accept this is playground life? Should I try to help my son to be less affected by this stuff? Should I encourage DH to do more rough play with him?

OP's son thinks football is too rough. He's assessing risk really differently than a lot of kids. Which is fine, but not the school's problem.

@mollyfolk Yes I do think he probably should be able to cope with it a bit. It’s also like this at soft play where he’s reluctant to play because he’s scared of the older children that barge around. I think he is a bit too risk averse and I was probably like this as a child but being a girly girl I spent most of my break times playing fairly time games with my friends so it was never a big deal.

my DH does rough house a little (as you described picking up and swinging around) and he seems to laugh and enjoy it but maybe that’s because it’s a safe and known person?

I will keep trying with the ball skills too as I agree that they are important

@keepforgetting1 it depends how they are playing the game. Having had a child badly bullied by 'boys being boys' and 'it was only a game' I would want to know how they are grabbing, as grabbing is not required in a game of tag. So actually there may need to be a reminder to children if they are being too rough playing.

OP's DS might be a gentle soul, doesn't mean he has to be toughened up. Pity there aren't more gentle souls in this world. But there should be other means of play or areas you can go to so he can play the games he wants to. In schools that have limited outside area things like football, tag can be a nightmare as they take up the whole playground.

Hmmm, I work in a school and its commonly accepted in all areas (including play) that the rule is "keep your hands and feet to yourself" so grabbing is not allowed. The only exception would be PE activities (or other collaborative learning) under a teachers supervision.

I don't think you should fix this for him - but you should give him the tools to deal with it. He won't be able to change other people and their preferences- that's a life lesson he'll need to learn
Encourage him not to fixate on one friend a and give him the reasons why not
Help him develop games he will enjoy with friends - ask them what they are - "so what playing do you enjoy?"
A little bit of rough play is the norm for most kids including girls; he'll have to accept it and let them get on with it if he doesn't want to join in. There's no way I could have (or should have) stopped my DS and his friends climbing trees because one child didn't want to join in

Yes, I'd agree with this - the conversation that the OP should be having with the school is whether they can do anything to support the actions she'll take herself to help her DS become less fearful of fairly everyday childhood experiences.

@Brokendisc - if your DH is seen as "safe" by your DS, could he do anything with your son around football, basic rugby skills etc?

@TheBossOfMe Yes I think he could. The issue we have come up with so far is a lack of interest and it feels a bit pointless when someone is so disengaged? Apart from
the sports side of things I’d also like him to feel more confident in a busy environment like soft play. He’s ok if I’m around but refuses to go anywhere if I am out off sight.

I think children can often be disengaged with something when they perceive themselves as no good at it. Sometimes our job as parents is to push them out of their comfort zone and make them do things that they're disengaged with so they can at least get competent - that's often the unlock to starting to enjoy things.

I know it can sometimes feel like being a pushy parent, and forcing your child to do things that they don't enjoy, but when it's hampering their ability to cope with normal everyday childhood things, I think we have to do it.

@Brokendisc is there a scout group near you that offers Squirrels, which is for the youngest age group. Might help him get used to different activities and mixing with other children

That's a great idea.

Sorry, one more thing. Have you talked to him about what he's actually scared of? He might just need reassurance that he's not going to get hurt, if that's the fear.

I wouldn’t describe my son as gentle, but I noted the play at school was quite rough. He was injured a number of times in rough house play, although it wasn’t bullying.

for other reasons we left that school half way through year 1, and then started at another school.

on the first day he said, “they play so nicely in the playground, they play spies and investigators”
the play continued to be more positive.

the original school subsequently had a ofsted exam, and the playground activity was commented on.
after they recruited a play leader for playtimes, got loose play items, and guided games, and I hear that it’s much better.

I think if kids don’t know how to play productively, and the school doesn’t support positive play then rough aggressive play becomes more common.

@TheBossOfMe Thanks. I think I have tended to worry about being too pushy but I’m beginning to think maybe it is needed here so it’s reassuring to hear that from someone else.

when it comes to articulating the why he struggles. For example I asked him why he didn’t want to play zombies and he said “I don’t like scaring people” and when I asked why he said “I just don’t like it”

@crumblingschools thanks I’ll look into scouts

@MumonabikeE5 Interesting! I hadn’t even thought about that. I remember in school our teachers barely got involved and left us to it unless someone was hurt. What you say makes sense though.

Whether the play is rough or not, the school need to help your son enjoy play time and make relationships. That's the focus of a conversation, your child feels excluded and unhappy at play time, what can they do to help him join in and make friends. This happens across the country daily, you are not asking the school to do more than they should.

It is so different in schools now. Children are really quite closely watched. We have 1.5 adults to every 30 children whilst on duty; when I was on primary it was 1:200! But we managed somehow. There are far more issues at playtimes now, probably a mixture of higher numbers of children with greater needs and children being used to parents micromanaging their friendships and not being able to resolve issues between themselves.

Children can also imitate the games they play on PlayStation etc, some of which are not suitable for young people. I remember being horrified by how many young boys, some in KS1 so similar age to OP’s son playing 18 rated games like Grand Theft Auto. It comes through in their actions and language

The problem is not that the girls don't want to play his type of play. It's the fact they are excluding him on the basis of his sex. This I would seen is an issue to be addressed by the school. If he had no one to play with and girls were asked to include him cos they are more eager to please that would be a different situation.

@Brokendisc I think say it to the school. Not moaning that your son doesn't like the games but that the issue is because he is a boy. I'm not sure any child should be forced to play with another as that often sets up an environment for bullying but a blanket exclusion like that need to be addressed. Either way of course, maybe girls are also being excluded from rough play. I work with pre school children and any girl v boy talk is stopped immediately and taken seriously.

@crumblingschools Yes! I’m surprised at some of the shows and video games his friends seem to know about or play. Some have older brothers so maybe it’s coming from there but others have been bought game consoles. I thought those were for older boys or am I just naive?