Gentle boy & rough play at school

[Brokendisc]

Hi my DS aged 5 seems to be struggling with friendships at school because he doesn’t enjoy rough play. It’s a fairly small school and he tells me that all the boys in his class enjoy mostly playing games that he thinks are “scary” and involve “fighting”. He prefers to play tag, hide and seek etc. There is one boy in his class who will sometimes not get involved in the rough play but he’s a bit erratic and when he drops my son to play these games he will tell him he can’t play with them my son gets really down about this like he was today. I’ve asked him to join in with the girls games but he says the girls say that boys are yucky.

Any suggestions for how to help him as it break my heart to see him down. Should I just accept this is playground life? Should I try to help my son to be less affected by this stuff? Should I encourage DH to do more rough play with him?

The thing with speaking to the school about rough play is that im not sure it’s even what most people would classify as rough or scary. It’s mostly chasing but with pretending to be scary creatures and some grabbing. It’s like a more boisterous and physical version of the game tag. This is something I have seen them playing at drop off and he doesn’t want to join in.

Talk to the school.

There shouldn't be grabbing. The characters are fine.

But talk to the school.

@keepforgetting1 It’s a year 1 class with 17 kids

@keepforgetting1 Yes I think so too which is why my focus is on how I can try to help my son.

@keepforgetting1 Nope he doesn’t enjoy it and says it’s too “rough”

What? It's absolutely good for them

So the girls are the problem?

Personally, i'd be talking to the school about the boys. Roughhousing is actually not okay and should be stopped.

Look, it's not that bad. He'll learn to play by himself if he has to. Rough play is really good for him though so if you do it with him it can help his confidence.
I did have to same issue as a kid. Hated sitting with dolls but the boys didnt want a girl, so i was excluded from both groups. I still made a smaller set of close friends and learned resilience.

@idnhxun rough play in school is not a good thing, very hard to monitor, inevitably someone gets hurt and then that escalates when parents get involved. If children want to rough play they can do it outside of school with willing friends.

My son found the same in every class or school he’s been in, there’s some boys that absolute love nothing more than wrestling, except for him it was worse as he’s very small for his age so he’s always been a target for such rough “play”. I always hated it.

Definitely need a conversation with the school as to how both sides can best support your son. Unfortunately not all boys are into 'rough and tumble' but at times, it is ignored.
My son is 7 and sometimes joins in but at other times doesn't want to. (Also unhappy about some of the things he says have been going on ......). Other times it is too frantic and he gets badly affected by that.
We've had a lot of conversations over the years regarding injuries in the playground etc.
School has a quiet club at lunchtime, meaning Lego, colouring etc which is brilliant for those who don't want to charge around the playground. It has been hugely beneficial for my son over the months.

My son does judo (a bit reluctantly) and swimming (happily) outside of school but he’s not interested in football, rugby etx because he considers them too rough and he tells me he isn’t good at them :(

Everyone has there own personality and that's fine but this sounds like fairly normal level play which boys or girls would enjoy. It would be great if he could cope with it because it will help him all throughout school.

Are you or your DH cautious yourselves? Do you tell him to be careful alot or not let him do slightly risky things? Sometimes I notice that kids with parents like this can become very very careful and risk adverse and find it harder to cope with the normal pushing and shoving that goes on with playing.

I think it's a great idea to get your DH or yourself to rough house with him a bit. I'm talking picking him up and swinging him around not fighting him or anything.

I'd keep trying with the ball sports as well, if not football, basketball is less hands on i find. Again it will just make his life easier in school if he has some ball skills.

@keepforgetting1 that poster said rough play is a good thing. I was explaining that in school it is not, because it always gets out of hand, and children who were good friends will suddenly say they were being bullied when they get accidentally hurt and then it escalates! Saw it in my DS's school playground. A group of boys pretending to be stuntmen and pretending to hit or kick a mate, unfortunately one of them would move the wrong way and someone gets a punch in the face and instant tears. Or if you are an MTA at one end of the field and you see a young lad going to kick another boy in the stomach who is lying down, do you think oh they are just play fighting or actually hurting a child.

And actually grabbing isn't required in tag, you just need to touch someone