Perfume as a first date gift?

[perfumehime]

I have a friend who recently went on a first date with a woman whom he has been writing to for several months (they met through one of those letter writing apps). On their first date he gave her a bottle of perfume. Afterwards he told me that she barely acknowledged it and he felt badly afterwards about it. I told him personally I would not like to be gifted perfume as it’s very personal, but he said he thought buying perfume was a standard gift, and he chose one based off of a nice name that would be a compliment to her.

I have ASD so what I think is normal or appropriate isn’t always accurate, so I thought I’d ask MN!

I’d be massively uncomfortable with a first date gift tbh. I’m sure it wasn’t meant that way but it’d be a red flag for me.

Giving a gift on a first date is not normal or appropriate.

Perfume is deeply personal.

My opinion of course and equally could be inaccurate for the same reason 😅 however from a recent post where a woman wanted to gift a man a book on a first date it was a very resounding No to gifts on a first date, it's weird.

Very weird to buy a gift for a first date in the first place, and weirder that he'd choose perfume when he doesn't know the person/know what she likes.

Bit try hard IMO and I'd feel embarrassed if it happened to me, I wouldn't know what to say!

What about flowers as a gift? Also inappropriate for a first date? Because he also considered that but went with perfume.

Really? Why would anyone think giving a gift on a first date is a good idea, it's just weird and unnecessary...and a big waste of money if you never see the person again.

Is he very inexperienced? First date only requires good hygiene and polite conversation.

I don't think a small gift is inappropriate for a first date if you've been writing for months. Something you've spoken about perhaps or some flowers.

However perfume is very personal and I doubt many would appreciate some random scent. Having said that, I wear Chanel which is expensive and if someone bought me my favourite scent, I wouldn't be displeased.

No gifts on a first date there is no need 'what about?' Does not come into

No means no

I’m not sure because tbh I have very little dating experience. I think in this case because they have been writing to each other it felt a bit more momentous than a more casual first date?

I don't think a gift on a first date is particularly appropriate.

But as they had been writing to each other for a long (?) time beforehand, then I can see why it might be a little different here. But I'm not sure something as personal as perfume is a good idea. Something more neutral (such as you might give any penpal you're meeting for the first time) would have been more suitable (something from your home town, a book you think they'd like, something small they'd mentioned that fits a hobby or whatever and which shows you've remembered something they've said)

If the unease has arisen because something about the first in-the-flesh encounter is awry, and this is a peg to hang it on, then it shows that there is no future in it. But if everything else was genuinely fine, he needs to get over himself

I think any gift on a first date is a bit odd. Flowers, ok if he really feels he needs to do something (but then does she have to carry the flowers around?!). I would have felt very uncomfortable at being given a gift. It feels like it belongs to the past, misogyny and being “bought”.

Perfume is something that often men see as generic, while many women see it as deeply personal. I’d stay well away from it as a gift at any time unless you absolutely know which specific scent the receiver likes.

but then does she have to carry the flowers around?!

Yeah that would definitely annoy me, and they would be slowly wilting.

I would think it very odd to be gifted anything in a first date other than maybe flowers but also hate when anyone buys me perfume as it's so personal and I never like what other people pick .

I'd be instantly thinking "love bombing" and it would be a hell nope from me.

Even if they've been writing for months, this is not appropriate.

No gift is needed, and perfume is a very personal choice. Any man who thinks he can pick a perfume for me would be a nope, just like any guy who thinks he can order food or wine for me.
I'll do my own thinking and choosing thanks, I'm not a toy to be bought with fancy shiny things.

It's creepy and weird and perfume is a really personal thing, you don't give it to someone you don't know on a first date!

Flowers possibly, depending on what the date involves (coffee or a couple of quiet drinks - probably OK, anything more active - no!). Or a small token gift that ties into things they've chatted about, eg something related to a mutual hobby or interest maybe? But again depends on what the date involves.

I don't personally wear perfume any more and when I did (briefly in my early 20s) I was VERY picky and particular. It feels far too personal unless they've had lengthy chats about woody vs floral scents etc (surely unlikely?!) or she's specified her favourite!

Any man who thinks he can pick a perfume for me would be a nope

That was my visceral reaction as well.

Why on earth did he buy her any kind of gift in the first place? It's really bizarre behaviour.

Ick.
Perfume is personal.
It's not 1st date, second date, third, fourth ,five date stuff.

I'd be having red flags, too keen, it's a gift they got someone else and dropping it onto me. Just weird. And that's sad but is OTT in my opinion.

Agree with everyone else - it's weird. No gifts needed on first date, but if he feels he needs to take something, a small box of chocolates or a small bunch of flowers would be more than enough!

Regarding perfume, we all know how we associate certain smells with memories - imagine if the perfume he bought was one associated with a negative memory for her.... that would ruin any date! I know if someone bought be Obsrssion by Calvin Klein for example, I'd be likely to run instantly. Perfume is never a safe gift unless you know exactly which one they want!

Ooh no, all a bit much...

If they have been communicating for several months, I don't see the issue in the perfume - but to be fair any gift would be nice to me as DH wouldn't gift me a stamp 😂

A gift on a date seems like something you’d see in a cartoon or a film but not really something I’ve seen done in real life.

Nice perfume is quite expensive usually so I’d feel awkward that someone I’ve just met had spent that money on me. And if it’s not expensive it’s probably rank.

I think the age of the man is relevant here. Mid 70's and maybe widowed is different to 30 as the older man's dating experience might be from long ago

People in their 70s were probably dating in the 1970s and onwards, and it really wasn't the norm then on first dates. Even flowers/chocolates had largely died out by then. It was the era of free love, naked hippy festivals etc. And even though most people would not have been at the more extreme edges of that, the zeitgeist was free love and the summer of love.