Perfume as a first date gift?

[perfumehime]

I have a friend who recently went on a first date with a woman whom he has been writing to for several months (they met through one of those letter writing apps). On their first date he gave her a bottle of perfume. Afterwards he told me that she barely acknowledged it and he felt badly afterwards about it. I told him personally I would not like to be gifted perfume as it’s very personal, but he said he thought buying perfume was a standard gift, and he chose one based off of a nice name that would be a compliment to her.

I have ASD so what I think is normal or appropriate isn’t always accurate, so I thought I’d ask MN!

Is this real?

He chose a random perfume based on its name? Does he actually think she might wear it?

The very fact that a man could be so unaware of normal dating etiquette would be seriously off putting.

They are both in their 50s.

I don't quite understand the visceral reaction by some posters on here. I wouldn't say it's common these days to buy a gift for a first date, but it's not a crime either. Given that they've been writing for some time he probably felt that he knew her to some degree. Given also that he is in his 50's, I think that puts a slightly different angle on it too. I would agree though that perfume is very personal. You also have to cart the gift around with you which could be a pain.

Oh my god @AuntieStella you're right!! I didn’t do the maths and had a vision of this old fellah married in the 1950's to his childhood sweetheart and only getting back out there now she'd died. Oooppsss

+1

Funny how times have changed. A few years ago you'd often hear women saying flowers on a first date was romantic. These days, it's massively inappropriate.

Dating minefield.

It's not inappropriate to me, surely it depends on the person.

I didn’t know about first date gifts being taboo. I just thought perfume was a bad idea as I would hate that, puts you in an awkward position as there’s a 99.99% chance I wouldn’t like it.

But how is the man to know what sort of woman you are? If he takes a punt and he's wrong, he's trying too hard, a creep, it's awkward, etc.

That's the dating landscape these days, same with approaching a woman.

My husband and I met online and he was living abroad at the time. We spoke for months before we went on a date and he’d bought my favourite perfume for me as he’d come through duty free and flown home specifically for the date. Realise it might be a different set of circumstances but I thought it was so lovely. If it was a general first date I might have taken it differently but if you have been speaking for a while I don’t have any issue with it.

I think that’s very thoughtful and romantic, especially as he knew what your favourite perfume was!

He's been writing to her for months. If for example he turned up and said, "Here's that book you were talking about reading." I'd find it really thoughtful.

I had a date where he collected me from my house and bought me a lovely bunch of flowers which I put in a vase, then left.

If a man gave me a thoughtful gift on a first date, I wouldn't drop it and run away. I think it depends on context and there's no one fits all rule. I agree that buying someone random perfume is a waste of money but I wouldn't dump someone for it.

It's a bit " it puts the lotion in the basket " for me, I'd feel like he's sizing me up and wanting me to smell like his prior victims.

No need for any first date gifts tbh but a single rose or sunflower is sweet if he wants to.

Wowsers, I wouldn't be looking for a second date.
I think it's such an odd choice, perfume is so personal.
Since when did ppl bring gifts on a date?
Have you asked your mate what was the thought process?!
It would be on eBay by now if it was me in the situation, and your mate would be blocked.
Maybe you should show him this thread?

His thought process was that he really liked her and wanted to buy her a present for their first date. He didn’t ask me beforehand, he brought it up afterwards. He’s a nice guy but I guess clueless.

In a more 'established' courting, I'd agree. You should know enough about someone to know what they would appreciate. I had a first date where we had both said we loved chocolate, and amusingly, we both showed up to the date with some Hotel Chocolate for each other! (completely unplanned!)

I'm likening this though to the coffee vs. walk conundrum, which comes up regularly. MN is literally split down the middle; half saying they love the intimacy of a walk/coffee first date as it's open, you can escape, but also properly talk... whereas the other half say it shows he's tight, and that doesn't bode well for the future, so a dinner where he pays is the bear minimum.

So like the perfume gift of this thread, it really is a coin flip whether he's seen as romantic and thoughtful (you), or 'sizing up his next victim' as TomatoSandwiches put it.

No first date gifts. Small box of chocolates or small bouquet of flowers okay, especially if you've talked for a while.

One did give me a necklace and a bottle of a known favourite perfume on about date 3. Another gave me a book he knew I'd find interesting fairly early on. But I've been on dates with guys I got on well with online, but in person, there just wasn't the chemistry, and I'd have been uncomfortable about a gift then, especially as much as perfume.

I didn't say he wasn't nice, but I still wouldn't be pursuing anything more with him.

If they've been writing for months then I'd think it was a little bit different. It's not a typical chatting on a dating app; longer term(ish) letter writing can feel a bit more personal.

I still don't think perfume was a good choice, though. It's too individual to the person, and...it's the wrong word but the right word - too intimate? Maybe if it had been a year or 6 months of writing, and it was something they'd talked about perhaps.

Flowers aren't too bad if he was picking her up from her home or something. Otherwise, she'd be lugging a bouquet around with her or leaving them to wilt in her car. Maybe a book he knew she wanted to read, and they'd talked about it at a push.

I just don't think gifts are super necessary for a first date. If it didn't go well in person, it just feels a bit too much like pressure. Second date, maybe. Something small. I'm one of those romantics, but gift giving so early is a bit...meh. Maybe just order a fancy bottle of wine for the table, and make sure he pays for it, if he really wanted to do something.

That said, I don't think he was being creepy or weird or anything. Perhaps just a little too much and a little misguided.

Wow I would be really uncomfortable with being given perfume on a first date!

Flowers on a first date are probably the only acceptable gift, but then you would have to carry them around so actually annoying. A first gift date really isn't necessary

Risky to give anyone over the age of 16 perfume, unless you are sure what they like. The woman in question might have thought it was odd of him and gone a bit quiet. Bringing some kind of gift if he was going to her home would be reasonable, but not just meeting her for the first time when out somewhere.

Surely you (bloke) send the flowers after the first date, if it was a raving success and you want to continue? (well, that’s how it used to be in Stone Age when I was young). Only flowers though, because they are ‘romantic’ , a cliché (that’s a good thing ‘cos not weird) , not fattening and perishable, so they don’t last long as a reminder if the recipient didn’t feel like reciprocating.

Though someone did once send me a bottle of Dom Perignon after the first date which went down well, in both senses of the phrase.

Surely you (bloke) send the flowers after the first date, if it was a raving success and you want to continue?

These days, you probably don't have an address that early, to be able to send them.

I don't think I'd ge massively uncomfortable but I'd find it a bit odd.