Secondary school worries

[ISaySteadyOn]

Maybe this should have gone in Education but I guess I wanted the traffic.

DS will be in secondary school in September 2025. And I am worried about him. He's a sweet, slightly awkward nerdy boy who loves gaming. From what I read about boys in secondary, it sounds like he will get eaten alive.

His sisters are both in secondary and doing mostly ok, but I worry about him.

Anybody else have worries or reassurances about this?

Morning @ISaySteadyOn yes I worry about this a lot. My son will be September 2026 start, but obviously open days etc start this year. Primary has had its ups and downs so I am so scared of what secondary will bring. I also can't imagine how he will cope with remembering things, homework etc etc. His best friend left recently and went to a local private school, if we could afford it I wish he could go there as the small classes etc I think would suit him so much better. Sorry you have the same worries. A friend who's son is similar started last year and has coped really well so I try to cling onto that!

From what I read about boys in secondary, it sounds like he will get eaten alive. Where are you reading this, exactly?

I'd advise you stay off the internet (full of worst cases) and go for a chat with the school and ask them how they support new starters to settle.

There are many young people like your son, one advantage of secondary is they get to meet each other.

The transition can be difficult, and bullying is in every school, but also many young people have no issues.

Secondary schools are full of boys who love gaming. Does he have any friends currently? He can join clubs at school if lunchtimes turn out to be a problem. Having a sport of some kind would help though - even if something like the gym rather than football. Try not to worry.

He won't be the only 'sweet, slightly nerdy boy who loves gaming' in his year. Hopefully they will find each other.

Ask about pastoral care when you look round. Also lunchtime clubs.

I think for a lot of young people who are a bit ‘different’ secondary school can be great because there is a wider pool of peers and so more chance of meeting people they relate to more

I worry about my son because he's not into gaming and all his peers are so I think the gaming is pretty common. He's not into football or sport either, likes dance... So it is a bit of a worry but he'll just have to get on with it. He's been mostly quite happy at primary even though his classmates don't really share his interests so hopefully he'll be fine.

My DS was exactly the same and just finished secondary school this year. He had zero issues, he hung out with a like minded group of friends and kept himself to himself.

In my experience the problems at the school were always between the "loud" boys fighting amongst themselves. In DS's year, the girls were worse than the boys for ongoing bullying.

One thing I'd advise is not to let him have social media. A lot of the bullying is done there.

Most secondaries are large and take a range of children. He will find friends like him and they'll hang out together. They will stay away from trouble and not get involved. Bullies tend not to go for the quiet, shy kids but the mouthier ones, in my experience.

can't imagine how he will cope with remembering things, homework etc etc

Most kids manage this very well, it's a source of confidence for them to start organising their own things. You create a system that supports them at home (e.g. a designated place for school things, their timetable on the wall) and observe how they get on. Don't leave them to sink, but also don't assume they won't manage it either.

Most schools use apps now for homework, you can check to see what is due and when.

My quiet little boy started secondary this year. He was anxious and unhappy in his last year of primary. Secondary school has been amazing for him. He was so ready to learn and primary school was clearly boring for him. So far so good for him. Take advantage of any opportunities to get you son meeting new groups now.

Thanks everyone. That helps a lot. I am not really worried about the academic part at all.

I guess I am especially worried because he doesn't really have any friends now.

But maybe you are all right and he will find his people at secondary school.

Most schools use apps now for homework, you can check to see what is due and when. It is best not to oversee homework too closely, they need the space to learn how to manage things. Talk to them about what they have, what is needed but don't overdo it unless your child genuinely needs extra support.

Many secondaries have additional arrangements for those arriving without friends, usually those moving areas or whatever. They are used to supporting kids who have been bullied at primary. Used to supporting kids who have additional needs. Used to supporting quiet kids.

Please email the likely secondary school now and ask for a chat with the head of year seven, then you can make a plan. The school want your child to settle. Talk to them.

Also talk to your son about joining clubs etc at school. There may be a gaming club, but if not there will be other things.

I find secondary school is very good for people finding their “tribe”. Within a few weeks in Year 7 you can see the groups forming. I understand your concern but it isn’t all footy lads lads lads.

Ds2 is err shall we say quirky, quite rigid, not into sport of any kind, liked gaming, science, coding. He did have friends at primary but he was going to a different secondary than all of them. He found his tribe in week 2. There are clubs they can attend which he did, gives them something to do and find like-minded people. A teacher ran a games club, Exploding Kittens, Uno, some quick board games and included DnD (dungeons and dragons) for anyone who wanted to start that and Ds and his nerdy friends went every week for years to that after school club.

He is still friends with that same group he met in year 7, it is a lovely group of sweet, nerdy boys and he is now 18 and off to uni this week. Friendships are built over gaming, they can connect at home using their headsets and chat whilst they talk strategies and play as a team together against one enemy.

Was there bullying? Yes, well at least an attempt at it but they reported it, school stopped it immediately and it is the reason we chose the school because they were strict on discipline. Ds1 was shy, introverted and I thought he would get eaten alive, again, made friends in the first week, kept them until now, he is 21! Ds2's year group had 270 children, they can't all be sport mad boys. Schools also try to put kids together too, invite children to clubs etc.

We have one boys only seconday who is really sporty and I know that some parents don't send their sons because of this, if you aren't sporty, you struggle.

Othere - a huge mix of sporty, nerdy, academic and everything in between.
Have a look at their club schedule, ask teachers about it.

We had a similar thought about sending a quirky and nerdy DD to a pure girls school, reality was fastly different from rumours, she definitely found her tribe.

He won't get eaten alive. He'll find similar friends. There's such a broad spectrum in secondary schools, I've got all sorts of nerdy gamers as well as sporty types or bookish types. I've got a boy in my yr11 class who wears nail varnish, another who is from a very strict religious household and everything in-between. Everything.
He'll be fine.

DS started secondary a couple of weeks ago, I wouldn't worry. No one has been eaten alive. He was the footy mad one but has actually branched out trying new things, there is a dungeon and dragon club, chess club, and many others. There is something for everyone.
At the moment I keep an eye on his homework app but only light touch and help to make sure he manages it whilst he gets used to it.
He's absolutely thriving and he's only 3 weeks in

My slight, skinny, academic, musical instrument-playing Ds with a mobility disability was not ‘eaten alive’ or even slightly nibbled in a non leafy S London comprehensive.

Thank you all so very much. I am feeling a lot better. I didn't know so many secondary schools had gaming or DnD clubs. We all love a bit of DnD in our family.

Our DnD club is very popular!

As it should be 😁.

I am very glad MN exists today. It was definitely the right thing to post on here.

Yep, I own a very sweet, nerdy gaming type who is in year 11. Struggled at primary as nobody really to be best mates with but he's found his tribe. Other lovely, sweet nerdy boys were found and they're very happy going to lunchtime games club, they're the lads that go to the lunchtime revision boosters together too. Yes we had some issues in the lower year with other boys but to be fair to DS he's extraordinarily good at handling people empathetically without taking any crap.... and now they're in yr11 one of his former bullies is someone he gets on well with in lessons and he actually apologised to DS for being such a twat when he was younger. Have faith in the nice nerds!

It'll be fine, OP.

I'd advise you stay off the internet (full of worst cases)

So true.