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Original poster

Struggling with DC starting reception - school drop-off

32 replies

thehouseonmystreet · 17/09/2024 15:15

TLDR: Hoping for some supportive advice or reassurance on this. Please be gentle. I know I need to toughen up and just suck it up / get on with it and I am very hard on myself. I also know this is a rite of passage. So are there any mumsnetters who had difficult drop offs with their DC and got through it?

My son started school properly this week (first and will be only child). He was at nursery before. Drop offs have been awful and I have found it deeply upsetting (surprisingly so). This morning he was saying he didn't want to go in and then when we arrived he was crying and clinging to me. I remained calm (on the outside) and was trying to be strong because I know they say the quicker the goodbye the better, but it was awful and I can't bear him being prised off me and his fingers prised away from mine. I was trying to disentangle myself from him physically whilst reassuring him I'd be back later and he'd have a lovely day but he was utterly refusing to let go and grabbing on to me / my clothes / anything he could and crying.

His new school is lovely, the class teacher is lovely and he knows some of the children from nursery. The teaching assistant tells me he's had a lovely couple of days and done really well. He's bright and engaged. So I don't think there are major causes for concern or anything.

It's just so bloody hard and I walked away this morning and as soon as I got through the gate I was in absolute floods. The teaching assistant on the gate said "it's worse for you than for him" which is probably true.

I did look around at all the other children seemingly sitting on the carpet and fully ready to start their school day and wonder where we've gone wrong.

Can anyone offer any reassurance or advice to me? Will this get any easier? God I hope so.

OP posts:
Reugny · 17/09/2024 15:22

Unfortunately some children are like this and this can go on to year 1.

Are there any children in his class that walk your way to school?

As if there are you can set off the time they are likely to pass by so he can engage with them on the way to school so by the time you say bye to him he's thinking about something else.

alpacachino · 17/09/2024 15:23

It will get easier I promise. It sounds trite but they have to learn to do difficult things

Labtastic · 17/09/2024 15:23

You probably know deep down this already but he absolutely will be fine. Some children just find the start of proper school a big transition, but give it a week or two and I bet he'll be totally different. Presumably he's fine once you've gone too?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General education Primary education
Mosaic123 · 17/09/2024 15:25

I found mine used to want to know what I was doing while they were at school, thinking they were missing out as I had a toddler at home.

I used to say while you were at school Mummy did ironing - the most boring thing I could think of.

Knowing this seemed to help.

Singleandproud · 17/09/2024 15:25

Get to school earlier so you are the first ones there so that he settles before the others arrive, it'll be less overwhelming going into a quiet classroom.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 17/09/2024 15:27

It sounds like you are doing the right things. Sending him to nursery beforehand, keeping calm, not pandering. Keep that up. Be bright and breezy, hug, kiss see you later and leave.
Not sure if you are a single mum but if not, perhaps better if someone other than you did drop offs for a while. That can help.
As other posters have said, he will grow out of it.

InTheRainOnATrain · 17/09/2024 15:29

Def worse for you than it is for him. DD has a friend whose little brother is like this, no idea why as his older siblings are all fine and strut in confidently, but some kids are just like this. What about arriving early, bang on opening so it’s not too busy? And/or if you know some of the other kids from nursery could you arrange to walk in with a friend?

Sickalready · 17/09/2024 15:32

I’ve never allowed my dc to be dragged / prised off me. If they’ve had a meltdown at the classroom door or been distressed (they have asd) I’ve just picked them up and said ‘would you like to go to school today?’ Explained what the activities in the class were and the teacher would usually reinforce the fun stuff that was there that day. They would then choose to stay and go in or if they were in full meltdown we would go home . I just can’t allow them to be dragged off me

Mermaidsarereal · 17/09/2024 15:33

My DD was exactly the same when she joined reception, she once even managed to escape out of the playground and ran home after me! 🙈 I asked her teacher if I could maybe start coming into the classroom with her to get her coat off and get settled etc. after doing that for a couple of days she was fine and seemed to snap out of it.

PicklerOfCrochet · 17/09/2024 16:06

Is there any other child in the playground you can find who he likes? They can line up together. Better still if they can walk in with them. Alternatively time it for the last second. My eldest's teacher used to take his hand and tell him he had things to do so let's go and walked him in but he did line up with his arm around my leg.

Tell him what a boring day you will be having at home and how much you wished you were going into school, big up meeting up with friends, anything he might be enjoying in the classroom. When he comes out reaffirm that you wish you could have been learning <insert whatever he said he liked that day>.

A quick handover is the best but if you let them think for one second they have a choice about going in then you are going to struggle to get them to go in consistently. It isn't a prison, it is school. Reception is learning through play and I promise it is worse for you than them.

Ds2 was the suffragette child, literally clung onto railings but as someone who then went into school immediately after dropping him in I could peep through the door window and see he was completely fine. I have also made phone calls to parents telling them that their child is settled and fine 2 minutes after coming in through the door. Your son seems fine once in which is good.

He just needs to get used to this is what we do every day. I know it is hard it just shows how much you love him.

Sidebeforeself · 17/09/2024 16:12

I was that child. I can vividly remember thinking that Mummy wasn’t going to come back for me or that something would happen to her.But I soon got distracted and absolutely loved school.It didnt traumatise me and the world didnt end

foxglovesandharebells · 17/09/2024 16:31

Could you try getting him to race you to school? Maybe including some silly races (hopping, running backwards etc)? Sometimes if they're running and laughing and out of breath and the endorphins are flowing by the time they get to the door that makes the transition much easier.

Singleandproud · 17/09/2024 16:33

Something that works for children with attachment trauma is to give them something low value of yours and tell them that you will be back for it at 3pm. They often understand you coming back for the object more than they understand you going back for them. The issue ofcourse is if that object gets lost or broken during the day

If you wanted to do this I'd get something cheap and reproducible like a pompom with googly eyes hot glue gunned on and make a load that you can pop into his bag and 'find' if he loses the original one.

However really you want to make it as swift and a non-event as possible. If you try too many things like the above it can become a bigger issue

Button28384738 · 17/09/2024 16:44

It definitely is worse for you, it is normal and it will get better.

Sounds like you're doing all the right things.
Walking in with a friend is a good idea as PP have suggested.
Also is there anyone else who could take him in for you just for a couple of weeks? His Dad? Might just break the the cycle

mynameiscalypso · 17/09/2024 16:48

We used to go early as well - we were often one of the first in which meant that the teacher could get him set up on something. They often add Lego/marble runs/art stuff out for the children to play with as they arrived.

Original poster
thehouseonmystreet · 17/09/2024 17:09

He can go in with his Dad and is usually better when Dad drops him off (our experience with nursery) but I do need to drop him off myself sometimes when his Dad works early, so he has to learn. However I can get Dad to do drop offs this week.

OP posts:
Original poster
thehouseonmystreet · 17/09/2024 17:09

We will also start taking him in first thing when they open the gates.

OP posts:
Original poster
thehouseonmystreet · 17/09/2024 17:10

Thank you for the kindness

OP posts:
Original poster
thehouseonmystreet · 17/09/2024 17:10

I don't know why he has attachment trauma as pp put it.

OP posts:
PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 17/09/2024 17:16

Read the book The Invisible String - children’s book - and then remind him each day of the Invisible String that connects the two of you always

Then create 2 hearts on paper draw them and laminate them. Before laminating You draw pictures on one he draws pictures on the other - at school/ in the car you kiss the hearts and he takes the laminated heart you created and you take his so you both have each other’s hearts with you all day 💕

Singleandproud · 17/09/2024 18:50

@thehouseonmystreet I didn't mean he had attachment trauma, it's just a technique that works with those that do.

Many children have FOMO - they think you are going to be doing lovely, fun things like when you are together. Talk about your day and the boring things you are going to do might help.

Original poster
thehouseonmystreet · 17/09/2024 19:24

Will try that! Good idea about the car journey too!

OP posts:
sparklesandsparkles · 17/09/2024 19:36

Wow this is EXACTLY my situation!!!

Yesterday, LO was pulled off of me. Fingers and all. Dragged into school by the TA. There was no other choice.
He's a big 4 year old as well!

All summer, he said he wasn't going to this school even though he went to their nursery.
Some days he's fine but some days not at all. And I feel like there's 120 parents watching me (from all 4 reception classes).. it's difficult.

They say weeks 2 3 4 novelty wears off and they struggle to go in...dreading it..

Mumistiredzzzz · 17/09/2024 19:38

I don't have any advice but full sympathy, just to say that you shouldn't wonder where you've gone wrong. It's not a case you've done anything wrong. It will get easier as time goes on ❤️

Koalityone · 17/09/2024 19:52

I would say to do as a pp suggested and take him in last minute.
its really tough for them to watch you leave and be upset but then have to wait around while lots of other parents are within view
(not always easy to engage an upset child in an activity when you’re trying to get the rest of the class in, coats off etc too)

last minute, you need to go as the gates are closing, he needs to go in and get on with registration

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