To think my mum was a bit shite?

[MollySummers]

When I was younger my mum was a bit odd let's say. She was always angry and hated being with us. She used to ignore us. However a few things stick out. She was so angry once she smashed a glass bottle and fainted and was bleeding everywhere, she threw all our toys out once and one time woke me up at 1am screaming about the state of the house and demand we tidy it

@CanYouHearThatNoise yes! And that was the entire pattern of my upbringing. I could do nothing right. She'd even accuse me of doing things I'd never even contemplated let alone done.
Needless to say when I married and had my own children I very quickly decided to have nothing further to do with her (I didn't even know that the phrase no contact existed back then!!) as there was no way I was allowing her to do to my little girls what she'd done to me over the years.
She died all alone during Covid and I left it all to the golden child brother to sort out.

I do think there is a generation of 70s mums who had kids too young and didn’t fulfil their dreams - and they became unhappy mums. Not all I know. But hopefully women today have more choices and will do a better job

Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry to the people on this thread who had such awful abusive experiences in childhood. I have a lovely mum and I know how lucky I am, but no one should suffer like you all have. I'm so sorry.

I'm 80s and my mother was in her 30s

This is familiar. Things like being locked out on purpose when coming back late (she was cross I went out with friends), trashing my room, calling friends parents and screaming at them, constant shouting about things we had no idea about, smashing of plates etc, she had psychosis when I was 4 and I was left alone with my two younger siblings, one a newborn. Never any apologies or attempt to understand me. Even now she tries to exert influence and I’m in my 40s! In therapy and it’s helpful.

Your examples sound like she was "stressed". If they're isolated, it's forgivable.

Please never tell anyone what behaviour endured as a child is forgivable, @Halloumiheaven.

This. My mother was one of them.

I'm 80s and parents in their 30s too. My dad was passive and basically had the attitude of I need to live with her.

My mum had a lovely upbringing, always reminisced about her childhood. I remember thinking as I got older "what about my childhood". She really didn't care or was ever emotionally available.

I was born in the 90s when my mum was 27, so not hugely young for the time. My dad also was (and is) very passive and I’ve lost count of the times over the years we’ve been told ‘your mum doesn’t do emotions’, ‘leave the past in the past’ (when it’s still ongoing in the present), ‘you’re too sensitive’ etc etc by him because he wants to keep some semblance of peace (even though it’s not peaceful for the rest of us).

💐🫂 to all of you who’ve been through similar

I think a lot of awful mothers genuinely want to have children - one because they’re competitive and want to have better kids than anyone else, and two, they honestly believe that they are fabulous mothers doing their best in the face of shit kids.
My own mother thinks she deserves a medal.

I'm a child of the 70s, mother born just after WW2. She took the view that as long as we were clothed, fed and educated, went to church and didn't show her up in front of the neighbours that was her job done. My dad died when I was 10, and up until that point he's the one I remember me taking me out places with him, reading me stories, making games up for me etc. I have not one memory of her ever playing with me, reading to me, telling me she loved me, cuddling me - nothing. And after he died it got worse, she was so angry and resentful all the time. And when she remarried, her new husband (who was not a nice man and really not interested in being any kind of parent to us) became her priority. She really doesn't 'know' me at all, although she thinks she does.

I left home as young as I could and have seen her once or twice a year since. Looking back I suspect maybe some kind of undiagnosed depression/MH issue, some of her behaviour and "rules" were so irrational and borderline cruel. Or perhaps she should have just never had kids. Her dad died before I was born but she has said he was not very nice, and she was glad he died before I was born as I was a girl, so I have always wondered if there was some kind of abuse, but she won't be drawn on the subject.

And now she is an elderly widow, tells me she loves me and compliments me allll the time, and she is frustrated and confused about why I don't call or visit much, and why I don't take her on holiday etc (and why I won't let her move in with me!). But unwilling to admit she was anything other than a good mum who tried her best, that's the narrative she has chosen and won't be swayed from. Our relationship could potentially be improved if she was open and honest about a lot of things and owned up her mistakes. But she won't, so for me the ship has sailed.

@makingmakingbaconpancakes
That sounds incredibly hard 💐. It sounds like you have yourself at a point that you are clear on your boundaries. I would have welcomed a sit down chat and tried to talk things out and try to understand how it was for my mum but she would never engage.

The thing I struggle with is that I'm split with the question of she must have been neurodiverse or should never have been a mum. I think it would be incredibly helpful to get these answers but it's not something I ever will. Over the years I've been able to almost feel sorry for her and it allowed me to almost accept how we were treated because I've convinced myself she must be ill etc, however it's all coming to ahead with me at the moment and I think it might be as my children get older it becomes more clear how much I was let down.

So much that I relate to here. My mother sounds very similar . I really get the thing about your mother not admitting to her mistakes . My other was astonished when I said I didn’t think she had been a good mother. I was so taken aback that that she thought she had been.

She sounds very much like my Mum, who had awful depression after giving birth to me. She had our cats put down one day, just to show who was boss (I still blame the vet more than her). She has been sectioned several times since I left home as an adult.

Physically fit and will probably outlive us all. Dad died 20 years ago.

Mine had my cats put down too. I was devastated.

This thread is so heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for what people have been through.

My mum was similar. She was and still is mentally ill, has a history of alcoholism and alienated nearly everyone she’s ever known at some point because she is aggressive, abusive and refuses to take any responsibility for her behaviour or apologise. But expects and demands this of others. Then doesn’t accept it anyway.

throughout my childhood we (siblings and I) had our toys smashed up, glasses, chairs, a fucking knife(!) thrown at us, punched, slapped, dragged by our hair, not fed or dressed properly (she always was though), called names, told our dad left because of our behaviour (pretty sure it was his affair and her revolting abusive behaviour). Not all the time, sometimes she could be quite nice. She’d say “sorry” for her rampage. But it was never her fault. God help you though if you didn’t immediately cuddle her and tell her you loved her no matter what and take full responsibility or she’d go off again. And it would be worse. My abusive ex partner used unnervingly similar tactics. Which I realised when I went to counselling. The advice I got to deal with my interactions with him I’ve been able to use to cope with my mother.

I’d like to say I don’t have anything to do with her anymore but although I’ve cut her off several times as an adult it never lasts. I can’t seem to shake off that I’m responsible for her. I’m angry at myself for that. On the plus side, I moved me and my family hundreds of miles away from her. One day I might be able to cut her off for good.

Mentally ill? Seriously? What century are we in? 🤣🤣🤣

Sounds pretty mentally ill to me. What do you call it?

You resurrected a months old thread just ask this random question?

Hope you're doing OK OP 💐

My mum was mentally ill, unfortunately a few key incidents that stick in my mind. I try to remember that in the 80’s it wasn’t easy to get mental health treatment. I know she loves me, and whilst I don’t always condone some of the things she did I try and remember that she was unwell, and she did seek treatment, but little changed.

Your mum sounds like mine. Lots of therapy and self help books later... For me I mean. She's still mentally unwell but I can see her in a different light, that I pity her.

I realise this thread has been reactivated, the comments today show how common it is. @MollySummers : hope you are ok

My mother was similar, i.e. abusive. My siblings & I all had the same experience of feeling disliked, criticised, intruded on, and it has affected us all negatively in so many ways. What has helped me is loads of therapy, and reading about childhood emotional neglect/emotionally immature and narcissistic parents

A good friend has similar parents - she actually needed a few months off work due to a resurgence of abusive behaviour from her mum, so has decided to go no contact

We are in our 40s and still healing from our horrible childhoods: its really held me back in so many ways and left me feeling never good enough

My mum was far, far less volatile than yours, but this also rings true.

She had two older kids, and then two more of us when she remarried, and might have had more if it weren't for recurrent miscarriages.

Trouble was, she was out of her depth with two teens and two toddlers. One of my earliest memories is comforting her crying on the stairs after another screaming fit with my older sister.

It's not like you can wish you didn't exist, but it's another thing to look back with an objective eye and realise that your mum couldn't cope.