To think my mum was a bit shite?

[MollySummers]

When I was younger my mum was a bit odd let's say. She was always angry and hated being with us. She used to ignore us. However a few things stick out. She was so angry once she smashed a glass bottle and fainted and was bleeding everywhere, she threw all our toys out once and one time woke me up at 1am screaming about the state of the house and demand we tidy it

My mum was volatile and unpredictable. Something she'd laugh at one day would get you a slap across the face the next. You never knew what was ok and what wasn't. Her moods would make me anxious and I grew up terrified to do anything that might make her angry but I never knew what that would be! So I was scared of everything. Became a terrible people pleaser which took me until middle age to cure myself of!

She'd lash out in anger and frustration, almost always slapping my face. I got slapped for almost stepping on her glasses. Almost. I walked too close to them. I got slapped for being shy and not saying hello to someone. Etc. everything was about her.

It's not normal, it's not ok and the most important thing I can say to you is it's not you - it's them.

She was the same. She shouldn't have had kids. She left it late because I don't think she really wanted to do it.

She was shite! And abusive. I think acknowledging this as an adult is super important - DM was also abusive and very toxic, and I only started healing from it when I understood that I had deserved better 💐

I'm sorry, there is some awful parenting and I think it was worse in the past as there wasn't as much awareness.

I had stuff that was borderline abusive....never allowed friends round, wasn't allowed to other friends houses much 'because then we will have to invite them back'. No birthday parties - excuse was "Not all kids like dogs and if you had a party we would have to put the dog in the garden". The bloody dogs always came first! At 12 I had guinea pigs that I adored, and one day I came home from school and she had taken them back to the shop. I was chased down and sexually assaulted by. 14 year old when I was 8 and when I finally had the courage to tell her at 12 (having spent 4 years thinking it was somehow my fault and I'd be in trouble for it) she just glossed over it, said 'Oh dear there's nothing we can do now' although we knew who the lad was. Very cold, never remember her hugging me or tucking me into bed. Always put me down, told me I couldn't sing, I couldn't dance, I was plain and unlikeable, and dressed me in a way to make me look ugly or be made fun of. Wouldn't let me wash my hair more than once a week when I became a teenager and turned into a grease ball. I had the same items of school uniform from 12 to 16 (money wasn't an issue).
Was forced to eat a tube of toothpaste squeezed on a jacket potato once. I grew up feeling disliked, constantly scrutinised and criticised and unwanted
I was adopted and when my brothers were born it was a different story. Although she has mellowed a lot and is quite nice now she is elderly, to this day my brothers get phoned on their birthday but I don't.

Yeah, my mum didn't want kids either. She used to tell me how she planned to have an abortion but changed her mind at the last minute.

That was always fun to hear. Always. Every time. 🙄

You're right that not everyone should be a parent. Not everyone has the ability to be a good parent.

She used to act like a fucking banshee and was obsessed with what people thought about us, what we looked like, what we said etc. I was the most self conscious young woman who struggled with relationships

Im not sure if she was shite....she didnt hit or abuse me, I was well fed, educated and taken care of. But its was all kind of at arms length. I never felt like I had any active parenting, we were just kind of left to it. I have to fight against my instincts now as I think sometimes I am over involved in my childrens lives, and that can be just as damaging, just in a different way. But I want them to know I am interested in them, and support who they are and what they do. I guess the pendulum swings in the opposite to what you experienced.

Mine was like that… I spent my whole childhood trying to be invisible so I didn’t risk setting her off. I had broken arms and fingers, my eyebrows shaved and my hair hacked off, along with melodramatic stories told to teachers and family about the crazy things I have done to myself so I never thought anyone would believe me if I told them. Anything I did or didn’t do was a direct reflection on HER, ie… If I didn’t run to get the mail before it rained, (even if at school at the time) the wet mail was something I had done to her. (And always had consequences…) I could go on, but the psychological trauma was worse than the physical and it continued until the day she died.

Same. All about appearances. Don't tell anyone x, y, z or social services will take you away.

Wish I could go back in time and say maybe stop doing those things then?

Look, they are who they are and you can't change them. You can only change how you behave and react. She had all the power when you were a child but you're an adult now and she only has the power you give her.

As your own kids grow up, there will be moments that trigger your memories of growing up. You realise that how your mum behaved wasn’t ok. Therapy is so important so you have a safe space to process this.

@Pantaloons99 , you said "I have a multitide of very significant Autoimmune Conditions as an adult. I don't believe that's a coincidence.".

I have an adverse childhood experience (ACE) workbook which states research has shown that "ACEs independently predict many disorders, and do so in a stepwise fashion. That is, the higher one's ACEs score, the greater the likelihood of developing a disorder." Autoimmune diseases are in the list of disorders that they mention. It's not a coincidence.

My mum was also abusive. Capable of having fun, but then flying into a rage at the drop of a hat. Now she’s elderly and doesn’t understand why no one visits her cause she thinks she was a great mother. I wish I could go back in time and every time she was abusive I could say ‘see that’s why no one wants to spend time with you.’

Yeah I won't be putting myself out for any elderly care.

Yeah I hear you.

Some horrible incidents for me too.

But it was the continuous feeling of not being loved or wanted that really hurt.

And I did t even realise how bonkers it was until middle age.

I spent my childhood wishing someone would rescue me.

I'm messed up mentally & physically now & for life.

I always choose the damaged souls in hope I could fix them! I wonder why!!

I also had to run my life decisions by my parents. It was like I couldn't make a decision. I was pressured into a shit marriage so know they're told fuck all

Same. Every decision I made about my life had to be justified to others. So not actually my decision at all then...

My mum was lovely. Poor, but such a lovely mum. I've tried to be a good mum, but bloody hell - I never behaved like your mum did. I'm sorry you had to experience that. She must have been mentally ill.

That's terrible. So sorry.

What?? When you were already a grown woman!

More child free women is a good thing - less societal expectation to have children and better access to abortion services means that women who don’t want to have children aren’t forced into a lifetime of involuntary servitude. I’m honestly amazed how many ‘good’ mothers the are, when objectively everything we ask of mothers is too much, and men get a free pass to be useless or fuck off.

It is common to reflect on parenting after having a child. So it is not surprising this has come into your mind more at this time.

It may be that your mum has a mental health condition, a personality disorder, emotional problems or some other cause for this behaviour.

It might be helpful for you to speak to a therapist (go to a registered therapist) to work through what happened.

Yeah I'm not the best mum but kids don't ask to be born so I'm not going to be horrible to them!!! Some of these stories are so sad.

This would be another sign it might be good to consider a therapist.

I think there were a lot of very unhappy women who were perhaps repeating the only behaviour they knew - what they'd been brought up with.