If you have a disabled child, is this a terrible thing for a mum to say?

[Rosewinesummer]

A school mum that I am friendly with has a child in Y6, as do I. Her child is disabled but her disabilities are not immediately obvious, if you saw her in the playground she would seem to be running around like any other child iyswim. However, she has an EHCP in place, school makes significant provisions for her, a wheelchair is always taken on school trips just in case (I have helped on several trips and have never seen her need to use it), there are associated cognitive difficulties with her condition etc. Her mum's time is taken up with a lot to do for her child's difficulties eg numerous medical appointments, school meetings and so on. I know there is a lot of additional stress on the mum because of all of this.
We were having a quick chat about school applications the other day. She has older DC at a small, local secondary school. Her y6 DC will not go there because it does not have suitable provision for her needs, so she has been looking at other schools in the area as well as specialist out of area schools. One big local secondary has a very large, dedicated unit for disabled students - I didn't know about this, so said that sounds great. Apparently not....school mum said 'No, it was awful! It was full of really disabled kids! I'm not sending DC there, what sort of effect would that have on them!'
I was quite shocked by this comment, I couldn't believe she was being so judgemental of other disabled children when she has one of her own. Obviously not appropriate for anyone to be making these kind of comments but I wondered if you have a disabled child is it somehow more acceptable to say something like this? The irony is that she is actually choosing a specialist out of area school which I assume will also have other disabled children there, with varying degrees of disability?

It's hard enough being a SEN mum with friends like this...

Disabled children don't necessarily fit with all other disabled children. It's important to find the right fit.

My cousin has a child with high functioning autism and there is a day program down the road that offers a great program. However, all the other people there have conditions like Down Syndrome, so she doesn't consider it appropriate for her own child who is intellectually capable. She needs a program that caters to people on her level, just as much as the Down Syndrome people need a program that caters to their own level of needs. In making that decision she's not putting down people with a higher obvious level of disability. She's just recognising that it's not going to meet her own child's needs. It's possibly better for the group as a whole not to have someone else there with a vastly different level needs too.

Don't judge her for not considering a particular group unsuitable for the needs of her child. If anything, it will probably cause her more inconvenience as she may have to travel further to get a good fit. She's being a good Mum.

This is very true ,we are on the other side of this, there are several autism charity groups neat me that offer activities, days out etc and whilst they try to be inclusive they are far more suited to children who are far more able than my son
And has nothing in common with the other kids.

Surly you know that it is not about « a contagious disease » but about the fact that they’d rather expose them to children with lower needs / NT so that they can improve socially.

Sorry I just saw your update

All children need a peer group. Putting a child who only just fits the criteria for a special school, in a class with profoundly autistic children, will not give her that peer group or social interactions.

OP, you seem to see all disabled children as the same. As a teacher in special schools for 40 years, I can tell you that they're not.

My last school was for children with severe and complex needs, but its cohort was slightly wider than that. Fortunately we were a reasonably large school by special school standards, so could usually manage to create a class that was more appropriate for the more able and mostly verbal children to ensure that they had friends.

If I had a child like your friend's, the first thing I'd look for in a special school, is a cohort of children that she can relate to and have friendships with.

I'm kind of appalled that you can't see this.

It was poorly worded ….I’m sure there was no harm meant towards children with more complex disabilities…..unless you’ve walked that mums shoes you can’t know how it feels…..don’t judge her…cut her some slack

How can she judge their level of intelligence by how disabled they look?

She sounds judgemental and small minded to me. The cleverest man I know is a paraplegic.

The point is the Mums is best able to judge what is best for her childs needs.Even if not disabled, every child has their own likes /dislikes . No School will be 100 percent fine for all

A suitable educational setting isn't special treatment ffs

Yep.

My ds is disabled- genetic condition so physical disability as well as autism, adhd, dyspraxia,dyslexia etc.

He wouldn’t suit the special schools round here because they cater mainly for children with behavioural problems and severe learning disabilities- neither of which he has, so he would be under stretched academically and find the behaviour intimidating.

Equally he can’t cope in mainstream school because he can’t keep up with the pace of the able bodied kids.

@Rosewinesummer your friend used clunky language, I wouldn’t express it like that- but she was referring to a common issue parents with disabled kids have.

If you aren’t the parent of a disabled child, who has experienced the EHCP process, and looked at schools, you really can’t give an opinion on this. It’s too bad that words that are just normal parts of parenting a child needing other support makes others upset. Sometimes we need to communicate to the well meaning helpful folks who and don’t think we parents need to watch our words for your delicate ears.
Saying how it is - much more disabled and it would be awful, I don’t see the problem. I’m certain I’ve said the same. I’ve also said about schools “kids much more able” and “depressing as children much worse”. I visited a school and told friends wished my child was less disabled because the school was great. I’m sure that would offend you too.

Local Ed Authority is, in my experience, not at all focused on your child, rather focused on what makes their job easier and costs the least. They will recommend totally unsuitable schools because it’s not in their “best interests” to find the right school for your child.

I’ve literally travelled the UK from Western Wales, to South coast and up past Sheffield. Schools that were all in that same category of “need” ranged from accommodating non-verbal, challenging with literally no moveable furniture or dense foam, to kids who were studying in typical furnished classrooms for GCSE but required calm quiet environment.

I’ve been to schools where I’ve told staff “my child is verbal, talks a lot. Would not fit here even though “on paper” this school would be right.” And another I recall clearly “my child is much more able, and would have said bluntly to friends - it was awful, I didn’t realise there were kids that were so destructive.

Not sorry at all that you think we parents should be worried about how you feel about our words. Spend your life advocating and researching and negotiating the “system” before you criticize the words that make you uncomfortable.

That school is awful, they are too disabled. Just a day in the life.

(We also need to endure stupid comments from parents all the time … “you should just ..” “.. I saw on programme that a routine ….” “CBD/Prawns/fish oil/vitamins/vaccines/gluten free/aromatherapy etc etc …. Are helping “. “You’re so lucky to have a blue badge”. “At least your child doesn’t smell …”. “The disabled kids are using up all the school funding..”

👏 👏 👏

THANK YOU. Agree with every word.

If she knows who the school generally caters for that would give a good idea to the level of cognitive ability
My son goes to a school for children with severe to profound learning disabilities, obviously within the school there are different levels of abilities, but all the children have very complex needs.

And he would likely have been badly served in a school designed for children with severe learning difficulties.

Disabled children are all different and can have wildly differing needs- you can’t just lump them all in together and claim it’s ‘judgemental’ to point out their differences, that doesn’t help any of them.

If she's only slightly cognitively delayed (mostly physical or neurodivergent conditions no learning disability), I think it would actually be quite cruel to send her to a unit full of children with severe to profound LD.

Would you send your DC to a school where most of the children are non or minimally verbal?

It sounds like not the right setting for her DD.

Fortunately a school that caters for children with those needs wouldn't accept pupils who didn't have complex needs
My son goes to one it's an amazing school with Fantastic facilities and serves the need, s of the children who attend it very well.