If you have a disabled child, is this a terrible thing for a mum to say?

[Rosewinesummer]

A school mum that I am friendly with has a child in Y6, as do I. Her child is disabled but her disabilities are not immediately obvious, if you saw her in the playground she would seem to be running around like any other child iyswim. However, she has an EHCP in place, school makes significant provisions for her, a wheelchair is always taken on school trips just in case (I have helped on several trips and have never seen her need to use it), there are associated cognitive difficulties with her condition etc. Her mum's time is taken up with a lot to do for her child's difficulties eg numerous medical appointments, school meetings and so on. I know there is a lot of additional stress on the mum because of all of this.
We were having a quick chat about school applications the other day. She has older DC at a small, local secondary school. Her y6 DC will not go there because it does not have suitable provision for her needs, so she has been looking at other schools in the area as well as specialist out of area schools. One big local secondary has a very large, dedicated unit for disabled students - I didn't know about this, so said that sounds great. Apparently not....school mum said 'No, it was awful! It was full of really disabled kids! I'm not sending DC there, what sort of effect would that have on them!'
I was quite shocked by this comment, I couldn't believe she was being so judgemental of other disabled children when she has one of her own. Obviously not appropriate for anyone to be making these kind of comments but I wondered if you have a disabled child is it somehow more acceptable to say something like this? The irony is that she is actually choosing a specialist out of area school which I assume will also have other disabled children there, with varying degrees of disability?

Her phrasing wasn't right but then you were saying "that sounds great" to a unit you know nothing about other than it's for kids with dx

It's hard enough to navigate the world of SEN without your friends nitpicking

My daughters both had ehc plans. One size doesn't fit all. My elder daughter went to the local mld school but it wouldn't have been right for my other daughter. She went to an out of area speech and language school - some kids from her class went on to university. Disability covers a wide range. It sounds like this mum was pretty flippant and defensive though.

Nothing wrong with what she said. Not all disabled similarly.

in some cases, your child’s class year isn’t a fit for your child. Sounds weird but for example, class of 10 and all wheelchair users but your child not. Or, ASD school, class is non verbal but your is verbal.

A parent needs to see the kids in the class to know if it will be a fit.

Some kids can cope mainstream, some cannot. Some require certain staff at school or facilities.

Maybe try being there for your friend rather then critiquing her in a post online?

I had similar thoughts when I was looking at a secondary place for my son with Autism who had a SEN Statement. There was a choice of 3 schools. 2 had integrated resource units in a mainstream school - he was already in an IRU and had only been to mainstream.

The other was a special school and had an excellent reputation, well deserved in my opinion but most of the children had moderate to severe learning difficulties whereas my son was mild.
My son wasn’t really aware at that age that he had a disability and I was worried that he may wonder why he was there and why we had sent him there. I also thought he may not get the attention he needed as other children clearly had greater needs. The IRU we chose was excellent and I never regretted the decision

There are a lot of parents with disabled children who say this kind of stuff, sadly.

There are many parents of disabled children who like to think that their child is set apart from children with higher care needs.

As a mum of children with both very high care needs and one very academic child on the spectrum, I am far more understanding of how disabled people all have their own challenges and don't fit into categories.

The way she described the other children in the SEN school was derogatory. As if they are awful to be around. Which is horrible.

Children are in a specialist or disabled school for a reason and some of them are very violent. I have autistic children who would be overwhelmed and terrified in some of those schools. Just because a school is there for disabled children doesn’t mean it is appropriate or meets the needs of all disabled children.

I think your friend’s phrasing was poor but equally in turn, you have made an incorrect assumption which is something many of us with disabled children endlessly put up without commenting on. What’s more you are making it from the incredibly privileged position of ignorance.

Most of them are not 'very violent' 🙄

I was a disabled child. I also have disabled children, who have different disabilities from me.

I can't say if it's terrible just from the quote without knowing the parent, tone, and other factors. As others said, it can be read as the detrimental effect of a general SEND unit that is more geared for very different needs. I live in a city where many secondaries have large SEND units, they're all different in composition and no where close to the special schools which each have their own specialisms. The one closest to me requires a child to be years behind across the board, that won't work for a child with asynchronous development who may be at level or ahead in some areas.

On the other hand, there are adults who treat some disabilities like they're contagious or who have children who may be prone to mimicking (common at that age) who get worried and assume others will be a bad influence. My oldest had it with a teacher who punished him and another low verbal child because she didn't want them impacting the others. It's hard to know and I wouldn't assume the worst unless I already knew the worst with this one.

It's not ironic that she's choosing a specialist school - a specialist space that someone is seen to qualify for is far more likely to meet the needs than a generalist space. That's just how disabled spaces typically work. There will always be variation, but a good fit requires more than it just being for disabled people.

I don't think having a disabled child changes whether something is terrible to say, nor do I think having a disabled child means someone automatically understands this type of thing - some do, some don't. I do think your title comes across as just asking parents of disabled children, when really this type of question, when it's about whether something it terrible to say about disabled people, is more appropriately asked to disabled people, whenever possible.

I can appreciate her view. She obviously wants inclusive mainstream for her child which is the accepted ideal.

It is pretty crap for schools today not be accessible for the majority of learners.

Hence the fact I said some and not most!

People with disabilities aren't all the same so different provisions are going to be better for different people

No, it says she wants a specialist out of area school.

I agree. She was out of order and discriminatory. Wants special treatment for her child but doesn't want her to be with other disabled children. Awful. I couldn't be friends with somebody like that.

She has older DC at a small, local secondary school. Her y6 DC will not go there because it does not have suitable provision for her needs, so she has been looking at other schools in the area as well as specialist out of area sc..

I read that as her wanting the small local school ???

I know that many parents prefer to send their autistic children to a regular mainstream school as opposed to 'special' schools. Many believe that their children regress which surrounded by very disabled or autistic children. My nephew has autistic traits and I would prefer for him to be in a regular school.

It depends on the setting my son is in a school for children with severe to profound learning disabilities, the school deal with frequent violent incidents because of the needs of the children ,my son is non verbal and has a very limited understanding of the world around him, as do a lot of his peers this alone can lead to aggressive outbursts. As. The children struggle to make their need s known.

He probably wouldn't meet the criteria for a specialist setting anyway the autistic spectrum is huge and he's not actually been diagnosed yet if mainstream can meet his needs that's where he will stay.

No she wants her child to be in a school that meets his needs it's not one size fits all.

Very poorly worded. But what sort of friend nit picks on a forum after wards? Why not ask her what she meant? I would imagine she wants her child to learn from others behaviours and have someone model which is completely understandable. It's not about thinking your child is more deserving or less disabled. The hope i think is provision for her child with similar children/needs. If you're non verbal in a class of non verbal kids, that's not helpful. Non verbal in a class of pre-verbal or children who can talk will help etc. Likewise if your child isnt aggressive, youd be concerned in a class of children who show aggression when dysregulated. It sounds like shes just trying do best by her child even if she might get it wrong at times (as everyone does)

Older DC's school isn't going to be suitable, nor the local school with the unit. She is looking at specialist out of area. I think.

Thanks I wonder if that's what the woman meant. I.e. her daughter isn't following in siblings footsteps and the provision considered is such a diverse cohort it wouldn't suit her.

Not easy for any family.

I have two sons with the same diagnosis, different presentations and very different needs. Both have been in specialist provision. One has a few GCSEs and the other is pushing entry level in maths and English. Ds2's provision is no more suitable for Ds1 than DS1's would have been for Ds2.

It's nothing to do with "special treatment".

Poorly worded yes, but I can empathise with how hard it is to find suitable provision for kids with disabilities. Around here we have mainstream, or very few places in special schools for children with profound behavioural and cognitive difficulties. If your child is somewhere in between you are screwed. Ask me how I know.