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Original poster

How do I stop myself getting stressed when baby is crying?

33 replies

Hoogfoog · 14/09/2024 11:49

Second time mum. 7 week old baby. Elder DS aged 6 so in theory I should know what I'm doing. But finding it soooo hard during baby's fussy times (when he won't even settle in the carrier) to keep calm and not stress out. I end up snapping at my eldest which isn't fair.

My partner works away for a lot of the week and I have no family support so I don't have anyone else to hand the baby to for the most part.

I get irrationally furious when I think I've finally got him to sleep only for him to stir and grizzle 5 minutes later (yes, even in the sling, even in the swaddle, even with loud white noise and the dummy and every other trick). I know it's not his fault but I just feel so stressed by it. I am ASD so I find the noise extremely triggering.

I went through all this with my first and told myself this time I would let it wash over me as I know it passes, but the reality is I'm struggling. He is EBF but doesn't tend to use BF as a comfort, he only wants to use it to actually eat, so if he's not hungry me trying to feed him just annoys him.

OP posts:
alpacachino · 14/09/2024 11:49

Try some loops earplugs to take the edge off

Justsomethoughts · 14/09/2024 11:53

Just remember that if baby is clean/fed/not unwell then it is ok to put them somewhere safe and step away for a few mins.

yes to earplugs - I had one colicky baby and when I used to rock him I would listen to podcasts which helped so much while I was trying to comfort him.

also - someone told me once either put the baby in the bath or take them outside as a ‘reset’ for you both.

it is so hard but as you know it passes so quickly.

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/09/2024 11:53

Sling?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old 6 year olds Babies & sleep Families
Original poster
Hoogfoog · 14/09/2024 11:55

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/09/2024 11:53

Sling?

If you read my post you will see I already use one.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 14/09/2024 11:55

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/09/2024 11:53

Sling?

OP clearly wrote that she’s tried the sling!

I get irrationally furious when I think I've finally got him to sleep only for him to stir and grizzle 5 minutes later (yes, even in the sling…)

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/09/2024 11:56

Sorry, I did but somehow missed that.

belowwdeckk · 14/09/2024 11:57

The noise is designed to wind us up into action. There's no getting away from it. Only time.

Original poster
Hoogfoog · 14/09/2024 11:57

Sorry if I sounded snappy, it's just I'm on a babywearing FB group where people see a sling as the Holy grail of calming baby and think if your baby is in a sling they will always be calm. And mine isn't like that😅. The sling is the only place he will sleep to be fair but if he's not asleep and finds himself in the sling he is LIVID. Literally arches his back and tries to launch himself put.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 14/09/2024 11:59

Headphones or as long as he and your eldest are safe, warm and fed go and have a shower or something else for 5 minutes.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 14/09/2024 11:59

3 kids. All of them grizzly, snarling, high maintenance bundles of joy as babies!
I used to place them in a safe space, absolutely no risk of harm, and just go outside to the garden to breathe for 3 minutes or have a good cry on the toilet. I gave myself permission to just remove myself from the room and just cry into my hands thinking, “Fuuuuuuuuck!!!” or whatever gets you through that tough moment. Because it is just a moment. It’s not even 5 minutes. It’s two minutes you need to walk away and cry if you want to and just be ok with not having enough in you for that moment. Baby will be safe. You’ll clear your head.

And you’ll quickly return to those softer feelings, that compassion we need to hold space for, for ourselves and for our little babies. You’re both vulnerable, tired, fragile. Be kind to yourself and take a minute to just walk away and catch your breath. Just let your 6 year old know that mum needs a breath. Claim your moment and protect it.

Those early weeks are trench warfare but worth the battle scars, as you already know. ❤️

LittleBearPad · 14/09/2024 12:00

Hoogfoog · 14/09/2024 11:57

Sorry if I sounded snappy, it's just I'm on a babywearing FB group where people see a sling as the Holy grail of calming baby and think if your baby is in a sling they will always be calm. And mine isn't like that😅. The sling is the only place he will sleep to be fair but if he's not asleep and finds himself in the sling he is LIVID. Literally arches his back and tries to launch himself put.

Hide it for the next four weeks or forever.

Original poster
Hoogfoog · 14/09/2024 12:00

My 6 year old is away this weekend on a cubs camping trip and I thought oh maybe I can actually sit and watch netflix while feeding the way everyone tells you to do with a newborn. Nope. Hysterics. Where are these unicorn babies who sit contentedly feeding whilst people finish an entire series. Neither of mine have done that!

OP posts:
Justsomethoughts · 14/09/2024 12:00

@SerenityNowInsanityLater really nice post 👏

Original poster
Hoogfoog · 14/09/2024 12:01

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 14/09/2024 11:59

3 kids. All of them grizzly, snarling, high maintenance bundles of joy as babies!
I used to place them in a safe space, absolutely no risk of harm, and just go outside to the garden to breathe for 3 minutes or have a good cry on the toilet. I gave myself permission to just remove myself from the room and just cry into my hands thinking, “Fuuuuuuuuck!!!” or whatever gets you through that tough moment. Because it is just a moment. It’s not even 5 minutes. It’s two minutes you need to walk away and cry if you want to and just be ok with not having enough in you for that moment. Baby will be safe. You’ll clear your head.

And you’ll quickly return to those softer feelings, that compassion we need to hold space for, for ourselves and for our little babies. You’re both vulnerable, tired, fragile. Be kind to yourself and take a minute to just walk away and catch your breath. Just let your 6 year old know that mum needs a breath. Claim your moment and protect it.

Those early weeks are trench warfare but worth the battle scars, as you already know. ❤️

I used to do this with my eldest but I feel bad doing this now I have two of them. I so want to give my eldest some 1:1 attention but its so hard trying to do that when the baby is grizzly!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoogfoog · 14/09/2024 12:03

"Snarling" is right by the way. Before I had kids I never knew tiny babies could get so cross.

OP posts:
SerenityNowInsanityLater · 14/09/2024 12:05

Hoogfoog · 14/09/2024 11:57

Sorry if I sounded snappy, it's just I'm on a babywearing FB group where people see a sling as the Holy grail of calming baby and think if your baby is in a sling they will always be calm. And mine isn't like that😅. The sling is the only place he will sleep to be fair but if he's not asleep and finds himself in the sling he is LIVID. Literally arches his back and tries to launch himself put.

Oh honestly! I swear to god, ALL the mums around you are winning when you’re drowning. I know that feeling!

I believed I was the ONLY mother ever to have had non-sleepers while everyone else’s 8 week olds were designing batteries for Tesla and sleeping 48 hours a night. They were all on organic steak and quinoa while mine would only feed from one breast (you can imagine how I looked! I was walking at a slant).

Step a bit back from the baby groups. You’ll lose your mind. 😆

ghostbusters · 14/09/2024 12:08

Apologies if you've given this a go, but I found sometimes skin to skin would settle my kids when they were wild with crying/rage/whatever. Even when they were 6+ months old I would take my top off and sit with one of them on my chest with a blanket over us. It usually worked.

Original poster
Hoogfoog · 14/09/2024 12:08

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 14/09/2024 12:05

Oh honestly! I swear to god, ALL the mums around you are winning when you’re drowning. I know that feeling!

I believed I was the ONLY mother ever to have had non-sleepers while everyone else’s 8 week olds were designing batteries for Tesla and sleeping 48 hours a night. They were all on organic steak and quinoa while mine would only feed from one breast (you can imagine how I looked! I was walking at a slant).

Step a bit back from the baby groups. You’ll lose your mind. 😆

Show quote history

Christ this one will also only happily feed from one breast! He acts as though the left one is poison.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 14/09/2024 12:08

Very relatable. I had undiagnosed ADHD and ASD plus hormones all over the place, plus a history of anger and violence in my family that I was terrified would come out in me.

I used to pretend I was being filmed- no idea where I got this idea but you’d never lose your shit with people watching (my family didn’t!). It absolutely worked.

Babyboomtastic · 14/09/2024 12:10

With me second who was very colicky, I'd have her in the sling, bounce gently on a yoga ball and put on classic fm and just try to tune it out. Or go for a walk.

Box sets are a lovely idea but not everyone gets them. I didn't want them with my first, and with my second she wouldn't settle if there was tv on (even at 2 weeks old) and there was a 2yo anyway.

Try to take some solace in not having to also multi task your eldest for a couple of days. It might not mean box sets, but if it means a brisk walk with baby in sling to be a reset for you, you can both just go without a thought. Eat takeaway rather than cook and try to grab some naps if you can.

Original poster
Hoogfoog · 14/09/2024 12:11

Babyboomtastic · 14/09/2024 12:10

With me second who was very colicky, I'd have her in the sling, bounce gently on a yoga ball and put on classic fm and just try to tune it out. Or go for a walk.

Box sets are a lovely idea but not everyone gets them. I didn't want them with my first, and with my second she wouldn't settle if there was tv on (even at 2 weeks old) and there was a 2yo anyway.

Try to take some solace in not having to also multi task your eldest for a couple of days. It might not mean box sets, but if it means a brisk walk with baby in sling to be a reset for you, you can both just go without a thought. Eat takeaway rather than cook and try to grab some naps if you can.

This is the only way I can currently get mine to sleep - magic combo of sling, very vigorous yoga ball bouncing, dummy and very loud white noise!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hoogfoog · 14/09/2024 12:13

OriginalUsername2 · 14/09/2024 12:08

Very relatable. I had undiagnosed ADHD and ASD plus hormones all over the place, plus a history of anger and violence in my family that I was terrified would come out in me.

I used to pretend I was being filmed- no idea where I got this idea but you’d never lose your shit with people watching (my family didn’t!). It absolutely worked.

I do feel properly on the edge sometimes. It's frightening isn't it. I do take myself away when I feel myself at that point but I always feel guilty after. And I have shouted at my eldest a few times and then felt dreadful (and apologised).

OP posts:
Incakewetrust · 14/09/2024 12:14

Sorry if you've already mentioned it but has he been checked for reflux?

Original poster
Hoogfoog · 14/09/2024 12:16

Incakewetrust · 14/09/2024 12:14

Sorry if you've already mentioned it but has he been checked for reflux?

Yes. Other than kicking off in his cot he has no signs. No real sick (I know it can be silent), no failure to thrive, no screaming in pain while feeding and nothing else to suggest it. And no CMPA signs either.

He's a pretty normal newborn in the fourth trimester, it's me finding it hard to cope with.

OP posts:
PigeonLady · 14/09/2024 12:17

Some studies show some people have an actual negative physical response to baby cries.

That sounds obvious. We are designed for it to warrant a reaction. But no this was further than that. An actual heightened stress response that was fight or flight of stress hormones, blood pressure, everything.

I think I had it. I also had to step outside. I don’t feel guilty about that.