How do I stop myself getting stressed when baby is crying?

[Hoogfoog]

Second time mum. 7 week old baby. Elder DS aged 6 so in theory I should know what I'm doing. But finding it soooo hard during baby's fussy times (when he won't even settle in the carrier) to keep calm and not stress out. I end up snapping at my eldest which isn't fair.

My partner works away for a lot of the week and I have no family support so I don't have anyone else to hand the baby to for the most part.

I get irrationally furious when I think I've finally got him to sleep only for him to stir and grizzle 5 minutes later (yes, even in the sling, even in the swaddle, even with loud white noise and the dummy and every other trick). I know it's not his fault but I just feel so stressed by it. I am ASD so I find the noise extremely triggering.

I went through all this with my first and told myself this time I would let it wash over me as I know it passes, but the reality is I'm struggling. He is EBF but doesn't tend to use BF as a comfort, he only wants to use it to actually eat, so if he's not hungry me trying to feed him just annoys him.

I think this is me. I can't explain how stressed I feel when he starts off. Even though I know full well it won't be this way forever.

But I have low stress tolerance in general.

I feel that's me. I get very stressed out by noise anyway and the baby crying combined with the stress of feeling bad about it can tip me over the edge.
I use noise cancelling headphones and on the rare occasion leave them safely in the cot and then sit in another room to get a break from it.

I used to put my headphones on.

Noise headphones. Singing - sort of makes the baby go wtf and even if they keep crying, it makes you breathe more deeply and makes the time pass in a less stressful way. Pacing or walking. I think stepping outside into colder air briefly can also help.

Anything that distracts them a bit, really. A friend used to play opera loudly.

You can also attempt to just imagine you're somewhere else, focus on a future plan, etc.

I know this sounds impossible, but if you can calm yourself, calm your breathing, slow your heart rate, then that may well have the same effect on baby. If you are getting stressed then that will likely make baby even more stressed and agitated. I'm not saying 'be less stressed' but yet to get your body to fake it.

When they are in the sling they feel you heart and you breathing. I found that becoming calmer kind of sent feedback to them to calm too. So eyes shut, very slow deep breathing and trying to calm yourself basically.

For various reasons I don't need to go into, I've seen the effect this can have on heart rate with monitors, it did calm her.

I know this sounds like hippy codswallop, but it's free and with a shot.

It’s funny OP because one of mine, my youngest who is 10, is diagnosed ASD and raising him has totally made me see myself differently. If there’s a genetic component, I’m pretty sure it’s from me. 😆

I never gave it thought until I raised my son, who has made so much sense to me. He’s like the guy who’s given me the map to my own head.

That said, I still had 3 snarling, grizzly, unsleeping babies (my eldest was the screamer! My middle was the violent sling rejector, my youngest was the Velcro baby). They grew into the absolutely best human beings (am I allowed to boast? 😊), but I swear, each one of them tried to bury me alive when they were knee high to a grasshopper!

We've just been through a looooong phase where DD2 would just howl at the left breast. One day, I was doing some hand expressing in the shower to help keep my supply up and a huge thick plug of milk shot out 😂🤢 I'm wondering now if she could sense the change in flow or the blockage? Might be worth a try to see if it helps!

He just woke up, fed, changed, 10 minutes happy time on the changing mat and now screaming again.