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Original poster

How to stop FIL’s very forward wife snatching my baby from me constantly?

29 replies

Salsaa · 14/09/2024 07:51

We have three young kids, one is still under 1. My FIL and his wife don’t make any effort, offer any help or visit other than probably 3 times per year. At every family occasion they are desperate to look like they are so involved though, they’ve done it since we had our first baby. Every time without fail I get to the door and his very cheeky wife just appears and pulls my baby off me without saying anything. This often causes my baby to cry and need to come back to me within 5 minutes but she doesn’t care as she’s been able to wander round for everyone to see her holding him. She makes a big thing of the kids all calling her grandma, having never asked if this was okay. There are endless stories about some of the cheeky things she has done but I’ll keep this short 🤦🏻‍♀️

We have a family lunch coming up next weekend and I’m already dreading seeing her. She is one of those people who just can’t be told no. I’ve tried saying ‘oh he’s just woke up’ but it makes no difference as she just has an answer back. How do you deal with people like this?

OP posts:
YaWeeFurryBastard · 14/09/2024 07:56

The grandma thing I don’t think is cheeky at all, she’s your FIL’s wife! How does your husband feel about that? It’s his choice/family not yours.

Re the “snatching” thing, have baby in a sling or hold your arms out and say “baby needs to come back to mum now” or just remove the baby from her.

Where on earth is your husband in all this? It’s his job to “supervise” his family and make sure they’re not distressing mum and baby.

alpacachino · 14/09/2024 07:57

There's nothing wrong with her being called grandma. I get she's not your MIL as you've worded it carefully but I don't think she should have to seek permission.

As for snatching your baby off you say no give him back each and every time. Get ruder if you need to. Why are you ignoring me when I ask for my baby back?

Soontobe60 · 14/09/2024 08:05

You clearly don’t like her, and don’t have any relationship with her. Do you expect your children to call her ‘grandpas wife’?

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Original poster
Salsaa · 14/09/2024 08:16

Soontobe60 · 14/09/2024 08:05

You clearly don’t like her, and don’t have any relationship with her. Do you expect your children to call her ‘grandpas wife’?

My husband can’t stand her. She has done some extremely awful things in his family over the years but as I said, don’t want to detail them on here 😬

We have lots of friends who have a good relationship with their FIL or MIL’s partner but as they aren’t the grandparent they are just referred to as their name. Maybe that’s just where we stay

OP posts:
Green777 · 14/09/2024 08:19

She can only ‘take’ him off you if you let her. When she tries too, turn away and say they’re not feeling too well or some other excuse until she gets the message.

ShortScot · 14/09/2024 08:21

Being the wife of a FIL doesn’t make them a grandma.

can you put baby in a sling or carrier?

but also -you can just say no she’s settled with me I’ll let you know when she’s ready for a cuddle!

WonderingWanda · 14/09/2024 08:21

Baby in a sling or carrier so she can't just grab them. Or just hold on firmly and say, nit just yet and give her a Paddington hard stare.

Storytimetime · 14/09/2024 08:23

Going against the grain, why not just let her hold the baby if they’re awake? I know you don’t like her and I’m not saying let her hold the baby if they’re crying or unhappy, but I wouldn’t automatically be looking for ways to prevent her taking them.

GodspeedJune · 14/09/2024 08:25

I have physically turned my body to stop my baby being taken from my arms. Alternatively when she walks towards you, put one arm up and infront you.

If words are easier ‘no baby is settled with me now’ or ‘not right now’. The less you say the less she can argue with you about it.

Would it feel better to call her Grandma FirstName?

Candyiris · 14/09/2024 08:29

Soontobe60 · 14/09/2024 08:05

You clearly don’t like her, and don’t have any relationship with her. Do you expect your children to call her ‘grandpas wife’?

Perhaps just call them by their name?
My children have two granddads - my father and my husband's father. The man my mother married (who none of us like, and these days my mum's none too keen either) is known by his name - Dick (not his real name but a fitting one).

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 14/09/2024 08:33

I agree with pp. If your baby is in a sling then she can't just grab him.
You can say in a minute, let me get in first then I'll get him out. Then go to where everyone is and start saying your hello's.
If what you want is other people to see the baby doesn't want to go to her then that'll do it.

harriethoyle · 14/09/2024 08:47

Sounds to me that you don’t like her and are scrabbling for the tiniest of excuses to slag her off 🤷🏻‍♀️

NewGreenDuck · 14/09/2024 08:52

My stepmother was lovely, but my kids didn't call her grandma. I didn't call her mum as I already had one, albeit that she had died.
As for the snatching, either keep your baby in a sling or say it's not convenient. Make an excuse like baby is grouchy.

Lemonadeand · 14/09/2024 08:55

Baby wearing would fix this. Keep the baby in a sling/carrier when you’re going to see them.

SensibleSigma · 14/09/2024 08:56

Don’t stand close enough for her to do it!

You know it’s going to happen, so send someone else to open the door and just keep moving away from her. Get someone to shove a drink in her hand so her hands are full. It’s a habit you can break.

Calliopespa · 14/09/2024 08:58

Soontobe60 · 14/09/2024 08:05

You clearly don’t like her, and don’t have any relationship with her. Do you expect your children to call her ‘grandpas wife’?

Wouldn’t they just call her by her name? Like Hilary or Anne?

I’m a bit divided on this one. If she was Op’s stepmother, I would think asserting herself as Grandma was a bit off if op hadn’t said she’d like her Dc to call her that, so I guess really the same applies.

On the other hand, there are so many threads where ILs ( esp DH’s family) can’t really be bothered with the Dc so I guess at least she tries to create a bond.

SophiaSW1 · 14/09/2024 09:05

Mum up. Stop allowing her to take your child off you!

allmycats · 14/09/2024 09:15

It is very clear that you do not like her, however according to your post you don’t see them very often. Just because you don’t like her it doesn’t mean she doesn’t like your children, let her have her time with baby and be the family friendly one for the occasional meetings.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 14/09/2024 09:23

How would you prevent a total stranger coming up to you and taking your baby from your arms? Don't let her get close enough before you say no and turn your back and walk away from her.
They are your children, you tell them who this person is to them not her. Do you let strangers tell them they are their grandma?
If your FIL and his wife don't like it then they see you less than 3 times a year so it's hardly a huge loss.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2024 09:24

She is one of those people who just can’t be told no

She can, she’s not superhuman, she’s just pushy and you don’t want things to be awkward, which she’s relying on. You can say no, you can turn away from her, you can use a sling or a buggy and just step in between her and your baby. “Not right now” “just woken up” “maybe later thanks”.

LePetitMaman · 14/09/2024 09:25

Why don't you visit them more? You only see them 3 times a year? Well that takes both of you putting no effort in really, doesn't it.

I'm guessing you find your own mother brilliant, who naturally turns up more because she's your actual mother, and have unrealistic expectations of this essentially unrelated second wife of your husband's father to be running after you. Whilst making the exact same minimal effort yourself.

And rather than be pleased that she shows an interest instantly as you arrive with your DC, you're pissed because she's being called "grandma" like your mum, but hasn't earned the title in your eyes because you don't get what you think you're entitled to from her. Bet your mum does loads of free childcare, probably while you work. It's usually the case in threads like these.

Calliopespa · 14/09/2024 09:52

LePetitMaman · 14/09/2024 09:25

Why don't you visit them more? You only see them 3 times a year? Well that takes both of you putting no effort in really, doesn't it.

I'm guessing you find your own mother brilliant, who naturally turns up more because she's your actual mother, and have unrealistic expectations of this essentially unrelated second wife of your husband's father to be running after you. Whilst making the exact same minimal effort yourself.

And rather than be pleased that she shows an interest instantly as you arrive with your DC, you're pissed because she's being called "grandma" like your mum, but hasn't earned the title in your eyes because you don't get what you think you're entitled to from her. Bet your mum does loads of free childcare, probably while you work. It's usually the case in threads like these.

Yeah probably all of that. Is that so unreasonable?

She actually isn’t the child’s grandmother. And if she provided lots of childcare it would be more churlish of OP to object but … she doesn’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Spenditlikebeckham · 14/09/2024 09:58

My df's dw was a very involved dgm. I had 4 dc. Never minded the Grandma thing. She turned 40 and decided she wasn't really dgm and dumped us all. Df followed suit... Your dc your rules. Make a big deal about handing your dc over to <insert her name >if that's how you want her known as.. She doesn't get to decide..

PTSDBarbiegirl · 14/09/2024 10:03

Follow your instincts and prioritise your baby. Hold up your flat hand to her next time and clearly say, “No thank you, not a good time” while looking at her. Next time just say “No”. Your child doesn’t enjoy being handled in this way and if she’s not family it’s up to you what she’s referred to as.

Fraaahnces · 14/09/2024 10:05

Wear a baby wrap. When she comes up, shout “No! Don’t snatch the baby! Leave him alone!” You all need to establish VERY clear boundaries.