How to stop FIL’s very forward wife snatching my baby from me constantly?

[Salsaa]

We have three young kids, one is still under 1. My FIL and his wife don’t make any effort, offer any help or visit other than probably 3 times per year. At every family occasion they are desperate to look like they are so involved though, they’ve done it since we had our first baby. Every time without fail I get to the door and his very cheeky wife just appears and pulls my baby off me without saying anything. This often causes my baby to cry and need to come back to me within 5 minutes but she doesn’t care as she’s been able to wander round for everyone to see her holding him. She makes a big thing of the kids all calling her grandma, having never asked if this was okay. There are endless stories about some of the cheeky things she has done but I’ll keep this short 🤦🏻‍♀️

We have a family lunch coming up next weekend and I’m already dreading seeing her. She is one of those people who just can’t be told no. I’ve tried saying ‘oh he’s just woke up’ but it makes no difference as she just has an answer back. How do you deal with people like this?

I disagree with people who say its fine she's calling herself grandma, she isn't. She isn't biologically the grandma nor has she earned the title through closeness to the family. In my family it's grandpa and name / grandma and name and we really get on with the partners. It does sound like a build up of annoyances.

Dont use the grandma title and keep referring to her by name when talking to her and your children. Agree with others baby in the sling.

However, longer term there are two choices. Either have it out, be clear on your boundaries, get it off your chest but beware it could case permanent fracture and low/ no contact. Or you could evaluate your own feelings, why does it wind you up so much, does it really matter? What is an actual red line and what puts your back up because you don't like her (its grand to not like people) then try and reframe it. Ill hold the line on not letting her have the baby until i am ready to hand them over but the grandma thing is stupid and funny. Catch your partner's eye everytime she does it. Turn it into a drinking game where you have to have a slip of tea, it takes the power out of it.

We do this with someone in our family who likes to have digs, (you've put on weight, are you sad youre not as successful as x, shame what youve done to your hair) just to send me round the bend, now we can't keep a straight face and love family reunions.

Why can't you say no?

So someone who visits you a few times a year wants to hold your baby and make a big fuss over your kids? I couldn't get worked up personally.

But you clearly hate her so I would imagine she can't win either way. If she didn't bother with the DCs, you'd have something to say about that as well.

Well...yeah probably. Regardless of whether OP matches her effort (or lack thereof), she isn't this kid's grandma and apparently doesn't have a relationship with them beyond parading round a family function holding them performatively a few times a year. Of course it's grating if she then wants "equal billing" with another grandparent who we're assuming has a much more involved role. It's less about being entitled and more about calling a spade a spade. What's the issue with just being honest about the reality of this relationship? She doesn't sound anywhere near close enough to be forcefully taking the baby or insisting on being "grandma". What's up with being honest and just calling her Janet or whatever, and giving her the same opportunity to hold the baby that they would any other acquaintance?