13 year old screen time

[crazypiglady]

We take screens off DD at night time & this is now causing a problem as her friends are allowed on their phones past 10pm. I won’t allow phones in bedrooms over night, but I’m trying to strike a balance between sticking to my guns & allowing her a bit of freedom. I don’t mind her listening to ASMR stuff or Spotify but she uses TikTok for that stuff & I want to limit her use of socisl media as much as I can. I’m curious what others do about tech in rooms or screen time around this age?

I think you should stick to your original rule of no screens at bed time. Just give her a sound machine or something

She’s got an Alexa in her room which I’m trying to link to her Spotify. I’m just wondering what others do around this age?

My 13 year old gives me her phone at night, was a battle at 10/11 yearsbut now I don't have to fight. It seems like most of her group are in similar position.
I do however let her watch tv before bed, but that goes on a timer and I take the remote... she's happy with that, likes the light to fall asleep.

Same age dc phone is left on charge in the hall every night at 9.30pm when she's getting ready got bed. At the weekend she can have it for longer as she goes to bed later.

We had a huge row about this over the summer. But we've gone back to 10pm on school nights and 11 on weekends (she's nearly 15).

We have family link so it locks at night

Ok so maybe a tv in her room would be a compromise as again she’s the only one in her friendship group without one. I’ve held back on that because it feels like swapping one screen for another but it’s the access to social media that I want to block really. With family link can you specify which apps get locked? When I’ve used the iPhone control it’s just general ‘social media’ which means YouTube, Spotify, WhatsApp etc as well.

Well my teens are not allowed their phones in their bedrooms ever!! Phones off by 9pm. Also, they are charged overnight in the kitchen, two floors below. It's a very firm line in our house and the teens have no issue with it. It does mean waking up to lots of texts, which I think they like?

I mean, their parents are nuts. Also careful on the asmr stuff. I like it but a lot of the searches are linked with erotica.

And YouTube is the worst!! You know there are videos of animals being killed horribly, people dying, being murdered and kidnapped on cctv plenty of very fucked up things on there. YouTube is only allowed on the TV when an adult's in the room here.

So what’s the solution in my situation where friends are allowed phones in their rooms all night & she’s being left out on group chats etc cos I’ve taken her phone off her?
I know through my job that if parents don’t allow a little freedom at this age, teenagers just take it anyway & a second online life emerges. Parents may think their kids aren’t accessing YouTube on their own - they are. If you don’t give a bit of freedom, kids take it anyway but lie about it which is even worse in my mind, I want her to be open and trust me as much as she can do at this age.

Genuinely you are doing the right thing. You don't want her on her phone all night and then a grumpy sleep deprived teen in the morning. Sleep is vital for physical and mental health and good routines get even more important in the exam years. This is about doing the right thing for her future not about who said what to whom at 3am...

My daughter is year 8 and the phone is plugged in downstairs at night.

Haha yes put like that it does put it in perspective, I want her to learn to sleep without screens and have genuine downtime. I know teens naturally don’t want to sleep before 11-ish but I feel she needs that off screen downtime. She has dyslexia & won’t read in bed like I do as she finds it really hard, so I’m trying to find thing she can do to decompress that don’t involve a screen. All the things she used to do up till high school (slime, colouring ‘grown up’ books) are all now ‘babyish’ for her she says and ofcourse she’s getting FOMO if they’re all chatting on Snapchat & she’s not.

We had to get a lock box that fitted the laptop, ipad and phone. Dh drilled a hole to allow the cords through for charging. And I had to hide the key in a different place each night!

She started self monitoring towards the end of year 9 in the holidays so we trusted her after that. She just needed to grow up a bit.

She did miss out in a few chats but would be agog the next day at the time some of her mates were on. It was a bit swings and roundabouts, really.

DD12's phone is set to downtime between 7pm and 7am. Her record is to wake up to 841 messages! She can only call or message DH, me and IL's when it's on downtime. I've told her why and she accepts it for now as she doesn't want to be woken at night.

DS14 is set to downtime 8pm and 7am - he whines but would be up all night on it so tough. We let him have full access in the summer holidays and it was a disaster. We've said he'll have to wait until the next holidays before we take it off.

Neither have Snapchat or TikTok. We've looked at both together and I've explained why and they're happy with that. YouTube is allowed on tv in the living room, or I give them permission on their phone if they come and say they want to watch something specific (e.g. homework or hobby)

Has she tried an ebook with the dyslexic font? DS finds that easier to read than a normal book. He often listens to audiobooks.

We bought everyone alarm clocks and keep all phones downstairs, kids' and mine.

My 17 year old listens to Spotify in bed. She can control this through her headphones which are linked to her phone. So arguably quite a fudge, but at 17 frankly I'm surprised she still leaves her phone downstairs.

An old smartphone, SIM card and apps removed, can work as basically an MP3 player. Load it up with CDs and audio books. I imagine Alexa will do a similar thing way better, but we'd never got one.

The FOMO is tough and it's embarrassing being the one left out but sometimes kids think "everyone" is doing it when they're really not. We had this debate and it turned out that "everyone" meant 2 out of 8 of them.

We're having similar fights. I allow her phone in her room but it shuts off at 9pm - thank you Apple family controls.

I allow Spotify and she can call me and DH but that's it.

She's 13 and not a great lover of school. It's not easy denying her screen time but I know it's the right thing. Everything's worse without a decent night's sleep and unlimited phone access will only add to that.

My 12 year old's phone shuts off from 7pm - 7am same as a previous poster. I don't care if she misses out on messages or chats, far more important to wind down for sleep and be able to put the stresses of the day behind her for a while.

I know many of her friends are online and still messaging at midnight and beyond, I think it's incredibly irresponsible parenting.

Ours off at 9:30pm, stay downstairs overnight and they are handed back as they leave for school otherwise they are up early to sit on phones and be late for school

Oh, and both of mine have Bluetooth speakers so they can leave their phones in the living room but still listen to music. We suggest they don't take their phones to their rooms after dinner, but only tend to enforce it if they've had a lot of gaming that day.

My DD is 13 and we do let her keep her phone in her room. The thing is, she's very good at regulating her phone use during the school week. She wants to get enough sleep so she turns her phone off at a reasonable time and sleeps. If she was staying up all night looking at her phone, obviously we wouldn't allow it. So I do think it depends on the child.
At the weekend she definitely stays up late but we let her as she's so sensible during the week.

We don't have a TV either. You can't specify what apps are locked. I don't want her on the phone at all. She has ADHD and finds it hard to settle.

But honestly very few parents let their kids have phones on all night and if they do are not parenting well. Even with controls my daughter has been sent some shocking stuff but we know about it. Those parents have no clue what their kids are up to

Dts are 13. They give me their phones at 9pm school nights, 10 at weekends. Their friends regularly send messages at 1am on school nights.

Yes I’ve offered her a kindle (I use one) and she used to listen to audiobooks all the time, I’m hoping it’s something she’ll come back to, I love reading but I don’t want to push it as she’ll dig her feet in even more