Nanny and Nursery

[BuenosAiresTango]

I’d be very grateful for advice please on what you think is right.

We have a fantastic nanny who I adore. She is brilliant with the children and just amazing. When I go back to work, my son will be 1 and my daughter will just have turned 2 (yes, very close together!)

My daughter goes to classes and stay and plays and play groups every day, sometimes twice a day and so sees lots of kiddos. And tonnes of messy play!

We have been receiving loads of comments that she should go to nursery when she’s older, as it’s better for her to socialise in a classroom environment etc. these comments do mainly come from people with children at nursery! I guess I’m made to feel like she’s missing out at nursery.

So if you had the chance, how many days would you put her in nursery and how many days with our nanny? Our nanny would be full time anyway as looking after our son.

We were thinking two days nursery, three days nanny?

Thank you!

This really was helpful and very true! Thank you.

What a kind message, thank you. Yes - it seems with parenting I am learning everyone has a view!

eg I had my children 12 months apart - you can imagine the comments!!

I have worked in a nursery and I have a close family member who is a Nanny. I would much rather my child be with a fabulous Nanny than in a nursery. I would wait until your DC is 3.5 and send them to the prep school you're thinking of to prepare them for school. People telling you she should be at nursery are just interfering and possibly jealous that you have the choice and the freedom that a great Nanny can bring to your family.

And thank you, yes I adore my nanny and love love love my children. I want to make sure whatever I can do is right for the children. And I understand I am fortunate to be able to be able to have support. But recently I’ve been doubting myself about nursery. All the group chats about how their (I must add, my daughter is currently only 18 months as are our NCT gang) are loving nursery and “super sociable” got me worrying. It doesn’t help that my little girl is slightly shy in general!

Possibly because they have to use nursery so feel they have to be ultra positive about it.

DC1 went to nursery and it was awful for her, DC2 (just turned 3) doesn't go and I'd like for him not to go till he's able to communicate well and wants to be there.

I hope that’s true! They mainly keep saying how sociable their children are. They’re 18m!

Ultra positive is the exact phrase!! It’s very over the top at times!

Mine both went to nursery at 1 and they were happy and well looked after but I’d be kidding myself to think it was for anything than childcare and that they got anything out of it at that age. Children don’t actually play together until age 3. The preschool year is really important IMO but before that a good nanny is definitely better- you don’t have to worry about the kids getting sent home with mystery fevers for starters!

Some DC are actually sociable at 18 months but that's their individual personality.

It’s interesting though that the only people saying that are those in nursery, and often the comment is suggesting my daughter is shy as she doesn’t.

If you have time, look up the 6 stages of play. Super interesting and will tell you this is utter bullshit because all kids are in the solitary play phase until age 2. Then it becomes onlooker play where they literally just stare at each other and don’t interact whilst playing at all. Parallel play is 3+ and proper sociable really playing together isn’t actually until age 4.

Thank you.

OP - those chats can be highly supportive and but also unsettling if you let them. You're thrown together with women by circumstance. Only a few, if you're lucky, will really be 'your people'.

My advice is to try and focus on getting comfortable that you know you have happy, loved, well looked after and stimulated children, and smile and wave at the one-upmanship.

My eldest was the last to sit up and the last to be potty trained - you'd have thought I kept him in a cupboard from all the 'advice' I got!

He's now a 6'3 strapping gym addict. Who can, fortunately, use a toilet all by himself 😂

Ooh, I will have a read of that this evening! Thank you.

I used to teach in an early years school setting (school nursery) so we took children from age 3. It was plenty of time to get them school ready and to learn great social skills. Your daughter can learn plenty of skills at the groups she goes to with a secure adult in your nanny by her side until she’s 3.
My eldest went to nursery 2 days a week age 1 due to my work and he was always poorly, overtired as he didn’t nap properly and overwhelmed with the full on ‘activities’ day. It’s often a really long day in the same space. Whereas with your nanny she can get out and about in the real world.
I much preferred with my second to use a childminder then at 3 she went to a preschool setting for half days, building up before school. My son was a very unsettled school starter, my daughter far more secure… he is much shyer in nature than her. Some children are, so your daughter might just be shy rather than the nursery being a key factor.

I’d say her being secure and happy at this stage is much better for her than nursery socialisation. There’s no rush to get school ready.
Also if one of your friends who use nursery were to show off about their child having 1:1 care I’m sure everyone would be impressed, that’s what your daughter is getting!

This article “The Great nursery debate” was posted on MN a few months ago, when the story of poor baby Genevieve broke. It’s an old article - some of the research might be slightly outdated by now - but I find it interesting that childcare is not even up for debate any more. Due to financial factors most (?) families can’t have a SAHP so whether or not it’s beneficial for a young child to be in childcare isn’t really debated any more, as we don’t have that luxury nowadays.

An expert in the article is quoted as saying nanny is better than nursery, if you can afford it. I don’t think any expert interviewed there says that nursery is beneficial overall until preschool age.

amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/02/nurseries-childcare-pre-school-cortisol

No that's her personality.

A friends kids never went to nursery. One is confident the other is less so. They had a nanny (part-time) and both their parents looked after them on different days.

I have two neighbours whose kids didn't go to nursery for different reasons. They have had different family members look after them. They have different levels of confidence so one will always talk to me if they saw me, while the other only started talking to me when I continuously greet them.

My DD was and is apparently confident. She went to a childminder part-time from just under 10 months. DP looked after her the rest of the working week until she was 3. My DP is more extroverted then me and will talk to anyone. DD is the same. By 19 months DD had a best friend at her CMs. At 3 she went to nursery as well.

Wait til 3, there are so many groups aimed at 2 year olds for now. Also 3 is a much better age. They can't even socialise before age 3 developmentally anyway.

Then it becomes onlooker play where they literally just stare at each other and don’t interact whilst playing at all.

my Dd is just finishing this phase
SO much gawking!!!

😅😅😅

off topic but love your username!! It made me chuckle!

Your set up sounds ideal. 2 of mine had to go to Nursery from 12 months. If anyone had asked, I would have said it was good. Because overall it was. If I had any scope to keep them in a home based environment, I'd have done that.

My older son genuinely was very social and had little friends - not just parallel play - from 18 months

But I would still have chosen a brilliant nanny over nursery if I had the option

OP your set up sounds wonderful. I was a sahm and my last DC didn't go to preschool until she was three and a half. It worked out great and she did two years of preschool for three hours a day and has just started school and is thriving and very social.

id never have a nanny for my kids i dont think i could let someone else do my job.

That sounds ideal and I’d wait and do that. In answer to your question above, I’ll pm you (tomorrow if that’s ok.