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Original poster

How long should visitors stay after birth - if they are in a local b&b?

45 replies

Orangeyblanket · 12/09/2024 08:17

Despite telling our families that they are welcome to visit us at the hospital, but after that we want some time just as a three at home to make the most of DH’s paternity leave, especially as I’ll be recovering from CS and hopefully trying to BF…

My DM has said she would rather not visit at the hospital but instead would like to get a B&B near us from the day we come home or a couple of days after that (“once you are a bit sorted.”)

DH and I are wondering what she has in mind - as it sounds like she’ll want to be here all day. DM is well intentioned most of the time but very much will be a house guest who needs looking after. She won’t be up for housework, laundry, grocery shopping etc.

I’m wondering if it would be fair to say that the length of her visit should be limited when she pops round (say an hour a day?) but I’m worried she won’t be happy with that seeing as she’s gone to the cost of the travel and the B&B.

Frankly I just wish she would come and visit us at the hospital, and then wait for us to give the okay for visits at home after say the first fortnight! This is what PILs are doing.

Does anyone have any advice please?

OP posts:
GlassRat · 12/09/2024 08:20

Say no! "Thanks Mum, but as we said, we'd prefer to have visits in hospital and then to have time at home, just the three of us. So you can see DC when they're just born, and then again in about a fortnight."

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 12/09/2024 08:20

Talk to her about it?

Original poster
Orangeyblanket · 12/09/2024 08:24

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 12/09/2024 08:20

Talk to her about it?

Well - yes! I am looking for advice on what to say and how to word it and what is reasonable! Hence this thread!

All that said - we have tried to talk to her about our preferences so far but clearly it’s gone in one ear and out the other!

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
MokkaLotta · 12/09/2024 08:27

Tell her what you’ve told us. State it firmly and kindly then stop talking to indicate she needs to take it on board.

SeaGlasses · 12/09/2024 08:30

GlassRat · 12/09/2024 08:20

Say no! "Thanks Mum, but as we said, we'd prefer to have visits in hospital and then to have time at home, just the three of us. So you can see DC when they're just born, and then again in about a fortnight."

This.

OP, our families would all have had to come and stay in a hotel (as we were living in a tiny one-bed central London flat and they were overseas) and as we would have needed to collect them from the airport and chaperone them around the whole time, we just said ‘No visitors for three weeks’.

Even three weeks turned out to be too soon, as my DM kept bursting into tears at the idea of having her only grandchild living in a small flat, and not in the nice three-bed semi in a suburb of our native city, as he should clearly have been…

Original poster
Orangeyblanket · 12/09/2024 08:45

GlassRat · 12/09/2024 08:20

Say no! "Thanks Mum, but as we said, we'd prefer to have visits in hospital and then to have time at home, just the three of us. So you can see DC when they're just born, and then again in about a fortnight."

The difficulty is that we have said this… and she doesn’t want to do it. So it’s not an option.

So now we need to work out how long is reasonable to have someone round to visit in the early days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeyblanket · 12/09/2024 10:21

Bump

OP posts:
SeaGlasses · 12/09/2024 10:24

Orangeyblanket · 12/09/2024 08:45

The difficulty is that we have said this… and she doesn’t want to do it. So it’s not an option.

So now we need to work out how long is reasonable to have someone round to visit in the early days.

Show quote history

But it’s irrelevant whether she ‘wants’ to do it or not. Her options are to visit in hospital and/or to wait a fortnight. There are no other options.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 12/09/2024 10:26

You might value her advice once the baby is here and you're home.

MsPavlichenko · 12/09/2024 10:31

You need to tell her again the options. Not change them to suit. Your In Laws get it, she can too. It’s a bad precedent you’ll be establishing otherwise.

Frith2013 · 12/09/2024 10:33

About half an hour should do it.

Frith2013 · 12/09/2024 10:34

Of course I mean half an hour altogether. Not every day.

Fluffypuppy1 · 12/09/2024 10:36

How far will she be travelling to see you?

TheCultureHusks · 12/09/2024 10:40

SeaGlasses · 12/09/2024 10:24

But it’s irrelevant whether she ‘wants’ to do it or not. Her options are to visit in hospital and/or to wait a fortnight. There are no other options.

Show quote history

This. Honestly OP, the orange flags are waving and it would be SO much better for you all if you’re firm now. This is a hugely important time for your new family, she does NOT get to dictate. Send the message now that no, she has to either fit in with what you have offered or go without. If you don’t, you’re in for a rocky ride.

‘Mum I’m sorry but that is not going to be an option while DH is on paternity leave. We have asked folk to see baby in hospital as we know you want to see them as soon as possible. After that, we’ve been clear that what we want as a family is some private time to be together as a three and to adjust and that’s what we are going to do. It would be horrible to fall out at such an important time but we are not going to change our minds on doing things the way that works for us. Please respect that.’

FloofPaws · 12/09/2024 10:44

Yea half an hour in the daytime when you're home, but at a time you agree that day, evenings, when your DH is home from work, then maybe dinner and bath time but after that it'll be best if she leaves so you can settle down to bed

BarbaraHoward · 12/09/2024 10:48

It's not great that she's not listening to you, but I also don't know anyone who had the grandparents pop to the hospital and then disappear (except for practical reasons like health or distance).

I think going to stay nearby when your daughter has a baby is a very normal thing to do, and she probably is expecting to be around most of the day tbh. I'd focus on getting her to cut the number of nights rather than timing her visits to the house.

You've no idea how you'll be feeling - you may be dying to show the baby off, or be in dire need of a bit of help, or whatever. I would suck it up for the sake of a day or two and then wave her off.

BarbaraHoward · 12/09/2024 10:49

The idea of ever telling my mother she could only come to my house for half an hour. Blush Shock Blush

SeaGlasses · 12/09/2024 11:09

BarbaraHoward · 12/09/2024 10:49

The idea of ever telling my mother she could only come to my house for half an hour. Blush Shock Blush

You might find it easier to grasp if you think of your mother as living so far away she needs to stay over, and being someone who needs to be fed, entertained, escorted etc all day, every day, throughout her stay, rather than being of any help, when the OP is trying to get used to a new baby.

I’m very fond of my mother, but DH or I would have had to get the tube from central London out to Heathrow to meet her flight, escort her to a hotel, then escort her to our flat, feed her etc and then escort her back to her hotel, every single time she went between her accommodation and our flat, etc etc for the entire duration of her stay. With a new baby, and an infected CS scar.

Put it this way, once when we were both at work all day, on a pre-baby visit, we mapped out a day itinerary for my parents (a very simple one — direct tube route to somewhere they would enjoy and where they could lunch, another direct tube home, no changes), showed them how to use the Oystercards we’d bought them several visits before, actually walked them to the tube, showed them how the gates worked (it was their fifth or sixth visit to London and we’d taken them around on public transport ,a lot), wrote down the station names, they had fully-charged mobiles, maps, plenty of sterling etc etc etc, we got home to find that they were exhausted because they’d walked about six miles across central London to get home because they ‘weren’t sure of the tube or buses’, fuelled on only a packet of crisps from a shop because Al, the sandwich shops ‘sold foreign food’.

BarbaraHoward · 12/09/2024 11:11

My mother lives 2.5 hours away. She (and my dad, and my inlaws) made the effort to come when my DC were born and booked into a local hotel. I think it would have been unspeakably rude to tell them they were only welcome for half an hour.

Chewbecca · 12/09/2024 11:12

Why are people so bloody horrid to their parents these days?
She obviously knows she is not welcome 24/7 as she has booked a B&B so she is unlikely to be expecting to be at yours from dawn til dusk. She sounds considerate.
Why not wait and see what happens? There is no need to decide now or issue instructions.

Velvian · 12/09/2024 11:15

I would ask her @Orangeyblanket if she will be able to help with laundry, tidying and cooking for you.

Point out that you will be recovering from major surgery and DH will be busy looking after you and the baby.

Breastfeeding is hard and you will need quiet uninterrupted time with the baby to establish that. Explain all that.

Original poster
Orangeyblanket · 28/09/2024 10:09

I thought I’d do an update.

After much persuasion, DM agreed to come to the hospital. She visited on two days, which was really nice. On the third day, she asked if we’d still be there or if we would be discharged by the time visiting started. We said we didn’t know but that we’d got some news that could potentially be bad (all is fine now though), so we weren’t really up for visitors. She replied a while later saying she was on the bus so she couldn’t turn back now. I replied saying sorry but we really are not up for a visit, please turn back. Next thing we know she’s popping round from behind the curtain! She only stayed five minutes as we really weren’t in the best place for company.

Anyway. It looks like DH may have to be away from home for a night, when baby is about two weeks old. So as per our previous conversations/agreement, I messaged DM to see if she wanted to come up to a B&B for a few nights so she could help me while DH is away. I thought she’d jump at the chance. She replied that the B&B she’d seen didn’t have any availability and so she “will give it a miss and wait until your spare room becomes available.”

So in other words, she only wants to come up if she can stay with us. So everything she said about basing herself in a B&B and visiting was never true, was it?

Honestly my jaw dropped when I read her message, I am astonished she has decided not to come up to see us. She is cutting off her nose to spite her own face. We have an EBF Velcro baby and things have been hard. We are so far away from being able to host house guests. I’m not going to beg again to get her to come up like I did at the hospital. I just can’t believe it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeyblanket · 28/09/2024 10:11

I should add a bit of extra info which is that at one point she thought she should be the birth partner not DH, that she didn’t see why DH wanted to take more than the minimum paternity leave, and that she wanted to come and stay with us from a few days before the birth to a few days after.

She sadly didn’t have her mum around when I was born so I completely understand that she may have strong thoughts and feelings on a grandmother’s role following birth. It took a long time to explain to her that we didn’t want any house guests and so when she came up with the B&B option I was so pleased because I thought, “finally, she gets it! And this will work well for everyone.” So to hear that she’s gone off the B&B idea and has gone back to her default plan of “I either stay with them or nothing” is just so disappointing.

OP posts:
lauraloulou1 · 28/09/2024 10:20

Is this your first baby? I think your mother probably expected that the rules for her versus your DH parents would be different. Frankly I would have just accepted /asked for specific help and let her stay in whatever spare room you have so she can be helpful. It sounds like you are good at communicating your needs - I wouldnt worry about begging at all. If DH is away tell her spare room is free in return for proper help. Which is probably all she trying to do anyway? Dont let the childbirth isolate you from help - suggest practical things she can do (cook you breakfast etc). The first few weeks is a shock! Dont throw that emotion in the wrong place. Good luck x

TizerorFizz · 28/09/2024 10:20

@Orangeyblanket To be honest I’m not sure you have the best relationship with your mum. Mine came and stayed and guess what - did a lot for us. She made her own bed! Cooked for us. Ironed. Helped hold baby so I got a nap. Cleared dishes etc. It really was a help. She drove her car for going out a bit too. I’m assuming you just see your mum as a nuisance. We saw my mum as a great help. So what’s wrong with having her to stay for a bit, unless you really don’t like her. Why would she not help out? I see grannies doing this all the time. DH embraced the help too! I would never have suggested a B&B or that she couldn’t visit the hospital. This sounds very controlling . Is this what modern parenting looks like? I’m hoping my DDs would want me to stay!