How long should visitors stay after birth - if they are in a local b&b?

[Orangeyblanket]

Despite telling our families that they are welcome to visit us at the hospital, but after that we want some time just as a three at home to make the most of DH’s paternity leave, especially as I’ll be recovering from CS and hopefully trying to BF…

My DM has said she would rather not visit at the hospital but instead would like to get a B&B near us from the day we come home or a couple of days after that (“once you are a bit sorted.”)

DH and I are wondering what she has in mind - as it sounds like she’ll want to be here all day. DM is well intentioned most of the time but very much will be a house guest who needs looking after. She won’t be up for housework, laundry, grocery shopping etc.

I’m wondering if it would be fair to say that the length of her visit should be limited when she pops round (say an hour a day?) but I’m worried she won’t be happy with that seeing as she’s gone to the cost of the travel and the B&B.

Frankly I just wish she would come and visit us at the hospital, and then wait for us to give the okay for visits at home after say the first fortnight! This is what PILs are doing.

Does anyone have any advice please?

My hospital only allowed 2 visitors a day (last year) so my parents came. In laws visited a few days later when baby and I were home. They stayed all afternoon and then went back home. Does your mum live far away?

Me and my mum were never close. We lived in a one bed flat and she insisted on staying for 5 nights on an air bed when my son was 3/4 weeks old. I thought it was going to be awful.

I cried, and I mean sobbed like a baby when she left because having her there really helped. So be careful about too strict rules or you might push people
away.

I think you and your mother sound alike. Its on your terms for you and she has her own terms.
If the B&B had no availability when you asked her to go, then she couldn't stay.
I think she doesn't know what to do for the best. If she had no mother role model it could be doubly hard.
And you sound to have had a really bumpy time and what you wanted has altered.

Perhaps a phone call instead of texts and say what you would like.

As an outsider, I can read that you’ve pushed your mum away. You told her no B&B stay for at least two weeks, you practically told her to go away when she came to visit you at hospital if she travelled there and left within 5 minutes but now your plans have changed you expect your mums to at very short notice (assuming less than 2 weeks of baby has arrived and DH is away when 2 weeks old). The B&B may no longer have availability at short notice, or she may be feeling hurt or like you’re using her because your DH is away. I think the best thing to do is reflect and think about how you can rebuild your relationship with your mum.

I would never have suggested a B&B or that she couldn’t visit the hospital.

@TizerorFizz Perhaps you misread. We strongly wanted DM to visit the hospital and had to cajole her into doing so. She was the first person to meet the baby. She visited again the next day. On the third day, after having had no sleep and potentially bad news, we were not in a fit state for visitors.

It’s not that I suggested a B&B, it’s that I didn’t want a house guest when we returned from hospital. I think that’s a fairly normal thing to prefer. DM wouldn’t be one for cooking or cleaning, sadly.

@Orangeyblanket It’s not normal at all if you have a spare room. It’s normal to want, and accept, some help. I’ve never seen any friend not welcome their mum. You don’t and you don’t want her at your home. She’s not a house guest! She’s your mum. She can make her own bed! Drop your standards and she will muck in. It’s what mums do.Set a time limit burger visit. Say a few days.

I would be careful about asking for any babysitting in the future or her having dc so you can have a break. You have not welcomed her in my view and it’s fairly obvious she’s seen as an outsider.

I think when you want help you have to be careful about putting up lots of barriers for the person that you want the help from.

It sounds like you and your DM have a tricky relationship but she can't help it a B&B is full. I think it depends on how much you want the help from her but I'd be inclined to give her a chance at staying for a few days.

“Burger”. Not sure how that happened. Set a time limit for the visit was what I meant to type

Also bonding with granny is very good for baby. I assume you want them to have a meaningful relationship as dc grows up.

Has your DM already stayed in a B&B to see you in hospital? If so perhaps they was her budget used up for the time being.

Why can’t she stay if you want her to actually help? Surely that would be the best option, rather than basing herself elsewhere? Esp if the B&B isn’t available, is it close?
I would say that sometimes older people, especially women, can get a bit funny about staying places alone, could that be the reason.

The OP stated in her first post that her mum would expect to be treated as a guest and would not want to help with housework, laundry etc.

Your DH is away when you are less than 4 weeks post-c-section and ypu are telling your DM she can't stay with you. I think you may come to regret that decision.

I'd say 'you can come and stay with us, but we're barely managing the basics at the moment so you'd need to look after yourself.'

Would she demand it though? I mean, fair enough that she doesn't want to do ops laundry. Would she be asking for meals and guest treatment or happy with beans on toast and getting a towel out of the cupboard?

We got my parents to stay in a hotel when we had DC1 because all the general advice was to do that. When it came to it we felt a bit daft having asked for that and not just putting them in the spare room as normal. Wasn't actually sure what we were meant to be hiding from in the end.

Even if she is expecting to be waited on hand and foot you can just tell her that won't be how it is but other than that what's the issue with her staying?

There may be a big back story but my impression just off here is that you're expecting the worse off her even when she is trying to be there for you while also keeping her on at an arms length. I can't imagine her expecting to be treated like a guest when she is presumably wantimg to come over to help you all. What the PILs do doesn't matter, the mother of the daughter is expected to be closer at this time. Your relationship must be very strained because if I hadn't slept, presumably DH is exhausted too and we have bad news i would love for my mum to be around and look after us. She isn't a random guest that you'd need to put on a mask and an armour to meet. It's like you are expecting the worse of her and punishing her for something.

And I believe her BnB thing because they get booked up, you don't have respect for her time telling her to turn around and go home last minute, then changing your mind that she now should stay in a BnB. Why isn't she just staying at yours? It's ok to admit needing her and it's ok to look less than perfect in front of her.

I'm sure your mum was really worried on the third day when you had potentially bad news, and wanted to see you to make sure you/baby were OK, I can understand why she still visited for a few minutes.

You don't sound as if you're close to your mum at all, which is OK, but I think you're keeping her on a string, which isn't fair to her.

You keep saying that she wouldn't help if she stayed at your place - how do you know? You've never had a baby before. You can just ask her put a wash on, make you lunch etc.

I wasn't particularly close with my mum, but she adored my DS, and they had a lovely relationship, which I encouraged.

You know your mum so you know just how much hard work she is likely to be as a house guest. And realistically a B&B just takes care of the bed and a morning shower, they don't typically provide a sitting room or anywhere for her to hang out so she'll be at yours all day until after an evening meal.

Under the circs, I'd leave her to it and I wouldn't entertain having her to stay unless your DH is there and on the same basis as your PIL's. eg arrive Sat am, leave Sun pm. Yes it's a bit intimidating if he's away for 48 hours but it's also an opportunity for skin to skin, some microwave meals or deliveroo for you and a box set or three that you'll enjoy. Having a houseguest that will expect you to turn out meals and be up, dressed and out for a walk or chatting about inanities would ffk me right off.

Having a spare room is very handy once paternity leave finishes especially if you are squeezing in a cot. It gives you somewhere to do midnight feeds and be in a room with your baby and for your other half to get some sleep and get off to work. Who sleeps in which room is up to you both but having that flexibility is fantastic. Indefinite stays from houseguests who aren't adding value should be deterred.

Keep managing expectations.