26yo son

[marmaladian]

I am at a loss.
My son has had a harder life than most , absolutely no doubt , but he is one of 4 and is the only one struggling.
This son now has has no direction in life, Is currently dating a 38yo though he's 26yo. Before that dated a girl with BPD. Almost ruined our family. And did him no favours.
What would you suggest for him to do next?
He is very smart and very fit ( been doing landscaping). Very charming but shy. I am at a loss.
I am trying to upskill him ( paid for a forklift driving course for him - which he found super easy and loved) . No idea what to do now. All the forklift jobs are about an hour and a half from where he lives. He could live with me but he doesn't want to though turns up regularly!
I'm thinking of the Army but you get sent to any base and it could be miles away.

No idea. Lost
If you met my 4 children he would be the one you would say "omg how gorgeous and lovely is he".
He is seriously sick of people telling he is good looking ( weird I know). He was in some legal trouble and the first thing the barrister said was " you can't go to prison you are far too good looking and it won't end well". thankfully he got a suspended sentence, and that was 5 years ago. But it's done him no favours being very good looking.
I suppose I could look at modelling agencies but he's 5 foot 8. So that's a problem there.

No idea. I really think he's too obstreporous for the army, He has no educational qualications.
I think I will suggest starting at somewhere like maccas and working his way up? Though I doubt he will agree
Any other suggestions gratefully accepted.

I have a child who is not academic at all. He's 8, good looking, but 3 years behind with autism and dyslexia. We're very academic and his brother is too. I worry about his future every day. I'll be back here when he's 26, I'm sure. I hope I can be half as good a mum as you've been. I reckon it's time to stop helping him and he'll have to step up.

Yes we were told he had Adhd, then anxiety, then dyslexia. It was never ending but nothing helped. And the next doctor would say the last doctor was wrong!
I had his reading assessed by a university to check he wasn't dyslexic as that was raised and they said" he can read fine, just very slowly". Which meant he failed most tests as he was still reading the questions!!
He is so lovely but if he loses it he yells, usually he is right though, and put up with his ridiculous gf for 5 years . Then is over it in 5 minutes. It's very hard. He won't come to a GP with me. I think he is fine but has just got himself stuck.
Everyone he works for ( landscaping) loves him. But he doesn't want to do it anymore, or at least only occasionally - I have very wealthy friends who are going to have him as their gardener/landscaper but that doesn't start for 3 months and will only be sporadic.

So confused, healthy, strong, bright but no idea what to do with himself. It's a worry

What are the jobs with little qualifications that pay well in Aus? In the UK, driving eg train drivers and HGV drivers get paid well, especially if the latter drive hazardous goods. Could he use his landscaping skills to become self employed and design gardens? Ie is he artistic and could do a course on landscape design? I know a mum, whose ds isn’t academic and she’s got him to pursue an art and design course (late teens) with an aim to helping him to go into some kind of business when he’s older.

I would also encourage him to move closer to a forklift job if he’d be happy doing this as a job. And buy him lots of condoms. With the older woman and her biological clock ticking, he could easily be a father soon.

Yes there is a job near me that he could get and they train you ($80k) but it's not a nice job and he's have to live with me when all of his social group is 2 hours away.

I honestly want to give him a few k and send him and his dog on their way . He is so capable and smart and it will be the making of him I think. The older gf is a problem but that's another reason I'd like him to get moving. Australia is a big place and if backpackers from across the world can do it he can too.
Bizarrely, out of my 4 kids he had his iq done when he was 7yo because of a child psychologist seeing him weekly ( due to the terrible circumstances I mentioned in OP) and then had my youngest checked privately due to other issues, and my 26yo was way ahead!!.
My youngest has skipped a year of primary and is in selective high school now!

There are plenty of TAFE courses that might suit him. They wouldn’t be academic like Uni, and he would be allowed accommodations for diagnosed learning difficulties. Getting some quals and having industry networks and work experience would help.

Being academic is not the be all and end all of everything @marmaladian . He has to find his own path. I never went to college or uni. I’m certainly not what you’d call academic. Everyone always used to try and push me into a ‘safe’ office job (does it exist? lol). Something I would have hated. I wanted to strike out on my own. Just took me a while to find my path. Don’t make him think he’s lesser because he’s not academic. Hope he finds his groove soon, whatever that might be. It takes longer for some than others 💐

My nephew has a 2 year working visa in Oz right now and he is driving diggers on a building site. It pays really well, around £1500 a week. You do need all the relevant cards to drive diggers. My nephew already had his cards in the UK and he had to pay around £1700 to get his Australian cards but he just needed to sit the tests.

Apparently the big money is driving diggers in the mines up North.

There's a lot in your post about how good looking but short he is. How unsuitable his girlfriends have been.

You really can't do anything about the above.

The criminal record is pretty damaging and possibly limiting as to what sector he can work in.

However there is very little about what he wants, what he likes, other than he did an easy forklift course and doesn't like his current landscaping job. What does HE want? Not you - plenty in your posts about what you want for him. What does he want for him?

That is the mystery! I've offered him overseas trips. Found working holidays in Australia and NZ, heaps of things and he always says no.
His previous gf was not just unsuitable but almost ruined my family. Pease don't down play borderline personality disorder.
One small example she's walking around with no clothes on, my DH is there. WHat does he do?
Run away or lock himself in his bedroom is the only answer that will not get HIM into trouble.
It's not always easy.
But DS would not leave her. I have so many more examples but I'm starting to bore myself.
The current situation is ideas for a job for a 26yo who is very bright , but not academic ( his brothers would look at you blankly if you asked them to tile the patio, or weed the garden , or set the the letterbox in concrete; but if the house was on fire they would run to him - he would deal with all ot these with ease) You get the idea. They are all going to be very wealthy and I'm just trying to find something for him.
No to electrician or plumbing or carpentry ( can't do the maths).
Any other ideas appreciated?
Pls don't harass me as I have spent most of the las 20 years dealing with this dear boy of mine.
And the barrister line is a quotedirect from him. Don't belive me if you don't want , but it was what he said. This DS has been told he was "pretty " since he was a 2yo. It is nothing new.

My son has had a harder life than most , absolutely no doubt , but he is one of 4 and is the only one struggling.

because of a child psychologist seeing him weekly ( due to the terrible circumstances I mentioned in OP)

You've sort of glossed over this.

He sounds like he needs help to deal with his underlying issues. You can't expect all four children to react the same to whatever happened, they are different people.

What is his backstory?

Can someone tell me what the deleted msgs were about? I ran off to deal with the dog ?

He was 3yo when his father was in a terrible car accident. Became a brain damaged quadraplegic. In hospital/rehab for 4 years. His older sibling was 6yo when this happened and his younger a baby. See I'm not sure that helps? Maybe I've missed something but I sure have tried my hardest.
And whoever keeps telling me the barrister didn't say he was too good looking to go to gaol is annoying me because it's what he said. Why on earth would I make that up? He got a suspended, thank goodness.

His father not him. Children were not involved in the accident

I think a trip around the country sounds a great idea if it is something he is interested in OP.
It's not forever and will give him a break to find what he really wants to do.
Sounds like he will be better suited to outdoorsy things, but a break might give him more opportunity to explore those ideas.
Good luck OP.

Me too. I'll have to fund a lot of it but he should be ok once he gets some work,

How horrible you mention the age gap between him and his partner. Mind your own business.

And he does get work, basically bumps into people and next thing you know they are offering a job He is super charming, but a bit shy where his bros will talk in front of hundreds of people without a quiver. He is a conundrum!!

For example he did the gardens for his gf's parents house ( super ritzy neighbouhood). Before he left he had 3 more clients. People talk to him for 10 seconds and then look at his work and they are like please can you be our gardener/landscaper too, I'm just not sure it's what he wants to do, His other 3 bros were so easy but he has been a drama since he wa born premmie. Drives me mad but so lovable. I'm thinking I just have to stop funding him and say that;s it bub. You are on your own now. It will kill me a little bit inside though.

I have a son who has floundered since some significant trauma and hard as it is, I honestly think you need to step back.

It's enough that he knows you're there if needed. If he wants that trip, he'll arrange it himself (and ask for help if needed).

I strongly encouraged DS to pursue a course that I thought would do him good and thought he was really enthusiastic for, but realised far too late that knowing I was keen for him to do it meant it was hard for him to tell me it was going badly, and that nearly ended in the worst possible disaster.

I think she's lovely and they were here visiting last weekend and we all had a lovely time, . I'm not being horrible I'm just stating the facts, She has told me very clearly she wants to try for a baby now. He has said I'd love to be a dad but maybe not for a few years. Hence then breaking up and and then getting back together, They definitely love each other but it is a big age gap when you think of children! I don't think that's horrible to mention.

He's 26, it's for him to sort out, it's his life. Is he asking you for advice? If not, then stop trying to solve things for him. You need to deal with your own feelings about what's happened and come to terms with the fact that this has impacted him. It's time to cut the apron strings.