Speaking at my Dad's funeral tomorrow, am bricking it

[Dustyblue]

I could use a pump-up from those good at public speaking.

My Dad died on Fathers' Day (Sept 1st here in Oz) and the funeral is tomorrow. I've my speech all written. The other speakers will be my Uncle doing the eulogy and my brother. Also my 8 y/o son wants to speak. I'll go along with that if he does I suppose? We're expecting approx 200 people, plus live streaming.

I've only ever done public speaking for work, and not recently. Preferably I'd memorise my speech, but I'm too scattered for that.

I'm seeing a psych for anxiety, and I saw my GP a few days ago- he gave me beta blockers for the potential panic. I hope it helps.

Any words of advice from those who've done this before? No idea how I'm going to sleep tonight!

I'm so sorry for your loss
Anyone would be bricking it. I do a lot of public speaking, but a parent's funeral is a very different situation.
Have tissues, stop whenever you need to stop. Make sure you space your writing/typing really well as losing your place will make you flustered. And remember how proud he'd be that you are doing it at all. This isn't a work event, it's a remembrance of your dad, so no stiff upper lip required. I hope the day goes as well as possible.

I did it for my dad, because I always regretted not doing it for mum (only child). Honestly, I know it's public speaking but everyone will be on your side and it doesn't matter if you stutter, fluff lines etc. Your dad would be so proud, just speak from the heart and everyone will love you for it. Good luck.

Take your time, pause when needed, and remember it’s okay to feel emotional; just focus on sharing your memories of your dad.

Have water with you for steadying sips. What a pp said about everyone being on your side is important. Sorry for your loss..I'm sure your dad would be very proud of you.

This is unlike any other public speaking event, remember there will be no judgement. Everyone who is there loved and cared for your Dad and will respect you. Try to feel the love and empathy in the room, try to soak it up and take comfort from it. You cant go wrong here. I'm sorry about your Dad xx

I'm so sorry for your family and my condolences 💐
What you are doing is a beautiful tribute to your dad.
What has always helped me ignore had to do something like this for family members is to say at the start of the speech that I was nervous and that if it was too much, that X might take over. (So have a friend or someone else ready in case) - this safety net has meant that actually I've never had to use it, everyone in there will understand and support you. Take your time, focus on your thoughtful words, and if you need to pause, or take a break, do so.

Good luck, and the most important thing is that you feel supported and know that your family and friends love you and want to take care of you all x

Lemon and honey in warm water in a cup can help your throat from drying up. x

I've done this. My best advice is to read the whole speech aloud several times today. You will find which parts of your speech make you feel a bit wobbly and you'll get more accustomed to hearing the words come out of your mouth. It really helps not to be saying them out loud for the first time on the day.
I also had it typed out so that it could be handed over to the celebrant to continue if it all got too difficult, and knowing that was an option if necessary helped.
I agree, stop and take a breath if you need to, and if your voice wobbles it's fine. No one will be judging - everyone will be on your side.
I'm sorry about your dad and hope it goes as well as these sad days possibly can.

I lost my dad a year ago and I spoke at his funeral, I absolutely hate public speaking but I managed it somehow - as others have pointed out it’s not like a work event where you have to make a good impression, people will be kind and won’t care if you mess up or are emotional. I was really glad I could do it for him, the fact that it’s something I’d normally avoid made it even more meaningful.

I’m sure the celebrant would take over if you really felt you couldn’t do it so maybe worth having that as a backup - good luck x

This is great advice.

I didn’t do it, and I always regret it, I couldn’t even write anything down. I made my husband do the eulogy and he did a cracking job. Honestly OP, it’s your one chance and I won’t say you’ll be fine because it will be tough. But it’s a chance to proclaim your love for your dad in public and so embrace it and if you end up emotional, it doesn’t matter.

im so sorry for your loss. I am nearly two years down this horrible road and it does get easier…. The panic attacks and anxiety do ease, i promise x

I sadly had this experience last year. Take a deep breath, pause when you need to. Don’t rush. I read it through lots and lots so it felt like I was just reading it to myself. I keep looking straight down so as to avoid eye contact which might make me feel emotional!
It’s An act of love and so whatever you manage to do will be beautiful. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I hope it goes well and I’m sorry for your loss.

Sorry to hear about your dad. I spoke at my uncle’s funeral. Just remember everyone there knows you or knew your dad . They are on your side . Just take it slowly and stop if you become upset . Good idea to type out what you want to say and to hand over to someone else if it becomes too much . You will not regret doing it . X

Oh my goodness, so many fantastic replies. I'm overwhelmed with the advice.

Back soon, thank you all so much

Thanks to everyone who said 'They are on your side'. That's a great reminder X

I seem to be the volunteer in our family for doing this sort of thing and echo everything everyone has said. I try to take my brother up with me, he dreads the day that I have to ask him to take over, but so far just having his presence and a steadying hand on my shoulder means that I’ve always been able to carry on.

It also helps to know that by my doing the speech everyone else is very relieved that they don’t have to, so that adds a bit of reassurance that everyone is on my side.

don’t worry about becoming emotional, I’ve found that some people (DB particularly) sometimes need to feel ‘permission’ to let their emotions out and take off the stiff upper lip and the family eulogy is often better for that than when the celebrant is speaking. Your emotions will show others that it’s ok to let it go. In my grandmothers eulogy I ended on a funny note which gave people the permission to laugh (after many tears) and remember her in a fun way which is what she would have wanted.

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds so brave to speak at the funeral. I've never had experience of giving a eulogy, but I do a lot of public speaking to big audiences. When I feel very nervous beforehand, I visualise in detail being up there, seeing the audience and starting my speech. Normally I get this big wave of nerves that washes over my at the thought, but funnily enough then when I actually go up I'm much less nervous. It's like the thinking about it allows me to experience the nerves and then they really abate.

I wrote a eulogy and spoke at my dad's funeral in January. I had it printed in large print so I could read it easily (through tears if necessary) I practiced a lot.
On the day I was so nervous and when I got up my voice cracked but then I just found the determination to get through it and I did. I didn't look at my family in the front row, when I looked up I glanced past them to other people. I'm so pleased I did it because it was all about my dad, it was so personal to him and it also meant a lot to my mum.

The only thing I can think of which helps is to practice it a lot before the day. Take a bottle of water and some tissues. You'll do it well I'm sure, it's a lovely tribute to your dad.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I had to do the eulogy when my dad died not so long ago. It was hard but I would echo the advice above.

Take your time, remember to breathe and sip water (helps you to take your time with pauses). Also put your words and your hands on the lectern (rather than hold them), it will help steady you.

I hope it goes well. You’ve got this. 💐

Everyone will understand and appreciate what you are doing no matter what way the words come out.

If you can, practice saying it out loud a few times. Sometimes saying the words out loud can catch you. When I have to do something like this - if I know there's a good chance I'll be upset- I try to trick myself into staying neutral by imagining it's a job interview or having a word or phrase that snaps me out of it. It's hard to explain but basically I try to let the tears happen while I'm rehearsing it and not put so much pressure on the actual event.

Good luck and very sorry for your loss

I read a poem at DHs funeral a few weeks ago and I'm not going to lie, it was difficult. What helped me was practicing it over and over again beforehand, so that I was very familiar with the words. My top tip is to take regular breaths. Don't try to say too many words in the same breath or it can sound garbled. Little, momentary pauses every every few words or so. I too printed my poem in as large a print as possible for the sheet of paper, so that I could follow it and not lose my place if I looked up. Good luck today OP. We'll all be there with you in thought. For the record, I lost it on the final word when the emotion got too much and I had to pause for a bit and collect myself before finishing.

Against other advice I know, but if you’re not comfortable simply pass it to the minister to read it. You are under no obligation to proclaim your love. The people attending know you loved your dad. It’s so strange that funerals sometimes have an almost performance element. It can be what you want it to be.

Absolutely no one in that room will be expecting anything of you - whatever you can manage will be appreciated. IME, take as much time as you need, speak slowly, have tissues to hand and - as a last resort - someone who can step in and read your words if you can’t get through it.

Above all, remember who you’re doing it for - your dad. And he’ll be proud of you no matter what.

So very sorry for your loss. I hope it goes well 💐

I read mine out loud in lots of ( isolated) places whilst dog walking so I was used to hearing it from my mouth. I headed each section and that meant I knew what was coming and could ad lib if I couldn't read

I read it rather than memorising to remove undue stress with the caveat of being able to ad lib if I wanted to.

I asked my husband to be back up in case I was too emotional. That took pressure off. On the day he did actually join me when I was so emotional I thought I couldn't carry on.

In the end my emotions were just right. It shouldn't be clinical, it's meant to be a poignant tribute so know that it's OK to show it. I managed to cry and laugh and had the whole church with me They laughed remembering him and they wiped their eyes with me. I have no regrets about not being perfect.

Set aside your normal standards of public speaking. (I too do public speaking) and remember this is a different occasion and you will recover from any little pauses and carry on.

I read the eulogy at my dad’s funeral earlier this year and was terrified of public speaking and didn’t know how I’d get through it. I did a bit of research and here are a few tips that helped me:

• print the speech in large print.
• practice reading it out loud as many times as you can. In the end I could recite it word for word although I still looked at the notes for comfort. This also takes a bit of the emotion out of it as the words lose a bit of meaning the more times you practice. Pretend you are a newsreader if this helps.
• at the end of each paragraph I wrote a times table (ie. 6x8) that I said to myself. This forces you to slow down and engages a different part of your brain.
• read slowly even though you will be tempted to get through it quickly. This gives everyone a chance to absorb what you are saying and you will be less likely to stumble over your words.
• don’t make eye contact with anyone in the audience. Look up over their heads or if you are too nervous just look at your notes.
• I said to myself this is the last thing I get to do for my dad and I want him to be proud of me.

Somehow I got through it and received many comments on how well I did. This will be one of the hardest things you will ever do and no-one will be judging you.