How to stop feeling guilty about things?

[losenotloose]

I feel like I'm falling apart from thoughts going around my head. For example, for ds 18th birthday we paid for 12 driving lessons, bought him a poster and toiletries. At the time, I kept asking what he wanted and he didn't give me any Ideas. Now he's complaining of what rubbish presents he got. I feel terrible. Should I feel terrible? I'm so confused. Part of me feels like he's being ungrateful because he didn't tell us what he wanted but then I think oh no he's going to look back on how bad we were. This is just an idea of how my brain works and it's hurting....

12 driving lessons is very expensive! He's being ungreatful.

He was affordable compared to others, £324

Tell him you didn't tell us what you wanted so that's it!
Honestly !!! He's not 5 he's 18!
Should be buying you a gift for being such a caring mum!

I try to remove myself from the situation and look at it from the outside, and tell myself that what I did was reasonable given the situation and as such, I have nothing to beat myself up over.

You have no reason to feel guilty.

You come across as having low self esteem. People should feel grateful for gifts, and your son sounds like a brat. I would have got my money back on the driving lessons and let him pay for them himself.

Can you try and rebuild your self esteem? Counselling or books on healthy self esteem might help, so people don't walk all over you.

That's a big present and expensive too. He's ungrateful. Don't feel guilty OP.

I would have wanted to get my child more for their 18th. HOWEVER - he didn't give you ideas and you chose a present. He should be grateful for that!

A lot of kids are so entitled because they see people on social media and compare themselves. My daughter (then 12) felt badly done to one Xmas when her 'friend' got £1000 in her Xmas stocking and my daughter got face masks and smellies! We had a long discussion about being grateful and everyone having different situations.

So rude of him

What an ungrateful twat he is. I would be rescinding the offer to pay for driving lessons, I can guarantee that.

You're not a mind reader. If there was something he wanted he should have said so. That's on him, you've taught him communication matters. Nothing to feel guilty about. Let yourself off the hook.

Thank you everyone. The problem is, I shouldn't need this reassurance. I'm so fed up of not trusting my own judgement and feeling bad about myself. @poppyzbrite4 low self esteem is absolutely right, which then turns into anxiety and depression. I'm starting to think it's not possible to change

Of course you can change. Assertiveness can be learnt. I'll come back with some useful books.

It is possible though. You might not feel it but factually it is possible. When I get like this I tell myself to stop thinking and start doing. I don't worry about right, wrong, why, how etc, I just do. Worrying about a small/medium decision? Just do it. How do I make myself sound confident about...Put on a confident tone and just do it. There is definitely an element of learning by doing. Good luck, you are more than capable!

You feel guilty because he is projecting his feelings into your head. Only you get to choose what thoughts go in your head.

That's on him for not telling you what he wanted. He bought that on. You could try what would you say to a friend who said they got 12 driving lessons for their 18th.

Don't worry OP I'm only just learning this skill now of being assertive.

I read up to " I kept asking what he wanted and he didn't give me any ideas", and I thought, oh he's just like my 3.
They haven't wanted ( or asked or hinted) for any gift since they were little kids.

Then I read the rest.
Yes, from what you've said,I would say your son sounds ungrateful, and rather immature, and you have nothing to be feeling guilty about.

He's old enough to drive ( does he know how much lessons cost)?? Toiletries are a nice gift to open as is a poster he presumably enjoys.

@losenotloose, you have nothing to beat yourself up for, your birthday gift was a considerate one and nice too that he got some things to open as well.

Try these books:

Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
Self Esteem for Dummies
Personal Boundaries for Dummies

Do you think you might be codependent, OP?

Thank you, I'll check these out!

@MikanOrange I'm not sure. Can you explain what you mean?

Please do. Don't be put off by the 'Dummy' books, they're very good.

My step dad got me a set of 6 driving lessons for my 18th and I still look back on that with so much gratitude. Your son will likely feel more grateful when he’s older and matured a bit more. I have self esteem issues and self help books do help but access counselling if you can.

I have issues with codependency and discovering that and working through my issues changed my life. I’m not sure if you are or not but some things did ring a bell so thought I’d bring it up just in case!

Codependency is where your self-worth and emotional well-being are heavily tied to the approval and needs of others. I wrote down a few signs to see if it resonates or not with you:

Over-Responsibility: Feeling like you need to solve others' problems or meet their needs to feel valued or loved.

Excessive People-Pleasing: Going to great lengths to avoid conflict or make others happy, even at the cost of your own needs and well-being.

Self-Esteem Linked to Others’ Approval: Your self-worth being influenced by how others perceive you.

Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Struggling to maintain your own needs or boundaries, leading to overextending yourself.

Overthinking and Guilt: Constantly analysing your actions and decisions and feeling guilt or regret even when your efforts were well-intentioned.

Has he passed his driving test now?

12 lessons in isolation is a waste of money.

Teenagers need help to reach their goals in life not just adhoc expensive gifts.

12 driving lessons are expensive but pointless if they didn't help him pass his driving test.

If he has passed on the back of those 12 driving lessons then you helped him achieve a valuable life skill. If not then I can see why a teenager would think what was the point?

Both my DC passed their driving tests when they were 17 and a half. We taught them and used our own car.

@MikanOrange that sounds exactly like me! Any advice on how to change would be greatly appreciated 🙏