I can’t cope anymore

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I don’t want to sound dramatic but I cannot cope anymore.

our DS (3) just won’t go to sleep at bedtime. It’s been like this for months. We have tried setting bedtime routines, no screens before bed, later bedtime, earlier bedtimes making sure he is full, reading books, listening to stories on his Tonie box. Nothing is working.

we put him down at 8pm and it takes nearly 2 hrs to settle him. He is sleepy but as soon as he gets into his bed he is jumping around and fighting his sleep.

I feel like a failure as a mum as I can’t put him to sleep. His dad and I share bedtimes so it’s not like I don’t have support. But I can’t understand why he won’t settle and why it’s taking so long.

we thought it was separation anxiety so we did the whole leave the room come back in to check for a good while and nope didn’t work. He literally spends hours with us laying next to him singing songs and refusing to settle. I just want to scream. Every bedtime is hell. There has been no let up for months.

we have no family or friends to support us. I just need a break. I can’t cope anymore

Have you tried sternly telling him 'no, it's bedtime' when he starts jumping around? Basically ignore him except to say 'no, it's bedtime'. No story, no conversation, no playtime etc, literally bore him to sleep!
Apologies if you have already tried this and I'm stating the obvious!

What time is he waking and does he seem tired during the day? Has he stopped daytime naps? Is he at nursery?

Thank you. 🙏 yes we try this and he just carries on regardless. We tried the it’s non negotiable now is bedtime and Everytime he got out of bed we put him back in and he just went hysterical. He is just so stubborn. My DP is currently in there now trying to settle him as I just can’t do it another

Assume he no longer naps?

He wakes between 5.45-8.15 depending on how late he fell asleep. He dropped naps jusg as he turned 2 so no naps at nursery. Never seems tired during the day. Yesterday we did a 3 mile walk and he was still bouncing around

Nope not since he was 2.

I hate to say it but some kids just struggle to fall asleep and some kids just don’t need very much sleep. My DS was a dream but DD was the total opposite!!

By 3 she always went to bed in her room with books and cuddly toys and a small lamp on and we left her to it but as soon as we went to bed we would hear the little footsteps coming down the hall and she would invariably sleep in with us until she started school. But it gave us our evenings back (even if just a short time!!)

Thank you. I know it’s probably a phase and it will obviously pass but it’s just been such a tough few months of this and tonight it’s just got me and struggling. It never gets easier !

I don't think you're being firm enough with him. I am presuming that when you tell him off during the day foe something and he doesn't stop you don't just let him get away with it? He needs to know when you are not messing about. Raise your voice if you have to (not shout). I am a Nanny and have helped numerous families with sleep (I also have two boys of my own).
If your child respects you enough to stop what he's doing during the day, then nighttime shouldn't be any different.
Get into bed ans lie down. We are going to have some milk, and a story (whatever your normal routine is, but absolutely no screen, and preferably a relaxing bath first and then no more going downstairs)
They need to know what's going to happen and at what time and in what order, and repeat repeat repeat.
I would say bedtime no later than lights out at 7pm.

No! I remember when dd started sleeping in her room properly and I felt so much better. Someone even commented that I didn’t look so exhausted!!

I hate to say it, but that could just be his natural sleep time. Neither of mine went to sleep until around 10pm since they were very young. No matter how hard I tried, that was just their internal clock. I'm also naturally late getting to sleep. I've now learned we all have delayed sleep phase syndrome and it's natural for us. They're adults now and still follow this pattern.

I used to give mine a little light, some calming music and a few quiet toys and leave them to whiffle on their own until they were tired enough to drop off. I never forced it. I had a baby gate on their bedroom door so they couldn't wander out of the bedroom. They were out of their cots and in a toddler bed at 14 months old to stop them getting frustrated by being in a cot. Never had any problems, but obviously we never got an evening where they were asleep, unless they were sick.

Thank you. I am being firm. We both are. We are firm during the day and he is learning that actions have consequences whether that is loosing a toy for a short time or stopping doing an activity. I feel like at night I am firm with him and repeatedly tell him no in bed it’s sleep time but he just doesn’t give in and it’s soul destroying.

I would say my dd has adhd and her sleep as a toddler was a bit of a lightbulb with that. Now she’s a teen she still struggles to fall asleep but once she’s asleep she’s a log

Can you make his room so that you can leave him to it? Low bed, book to hand, story playing etc.

I also have a non-sleeping child. She is prescribed melatonin but it gave her awful dreams so we stopped using it. Now she listens to pod casts and draws until she falls asleep. She is 8 now and has been this way for her entire life. My two other kids are fine and happily fall asleep by themselves in their own rooms.

It's truly horrendous

You can't really discipline sleep in to them though if that's their natural pattern. They don't have the maturity or self control to just lie waiting to fall asleep because it could take a while for sleep to come. I think quiet entertainment and containment in their room is best. Teach them not to be noisy or disturb others in the house. No screens of course.

My daughter is much younger but one of my mum’s friends is a baby sleep coach and very kindly gave us a load of info before our baby was born on child sleep!

For your child’s age the main things it recommends is a solid evening routine (bath, pj’s, maybe some milk, then low lighting and read a story in bed), do this at the same time every day so that it is routine, lay with them quietly for a little bit afterwards but leave before they fall asleep. There are different strategy’s to use after this but can can be kiss/pat, essentially saying goodnight and giving them a kiss goodnight and saying you’ll be back in a minute to give them another kiss, so that quickly so they trust you will. Build this up to longer periods of time.

Bedtime needs to be quiet, so no singing etc stick to a quiet bedtime story and then some cuddles before sleep. Every time you go back in keep it the same, no singing, a pat/hug and quiet. They do realise eventually that it’s boring lying in a dark room in silence and give in to sleep!

Also is it maybe worth bringing bedtime forward? Maybe it’s just slightly too late and tips into overtiredness? X

I have no advice but in the same boat so solidarity!

My eldest did this around that age l, after a few months of it we put a safety gate on his door and allowed him to be up but in his room with a night light on but the rest of the house in darkness, bed time became the time he just went to his bedroom after bath, sometimes he played or babbled away, sometimes he threw toys out of his room, sometimes he fell straight to sleep.
Saved our minds to be honest.
My second was an absolute dream sleeper, couldn't be more opposite!

Thank you so much for the advice and support. Just a low moment tonight and this thread has helped me. I’ll definitely try the suggestions. Currently 45 mins into trying to get him to sleep!

There will be no second child! But thank you. We live in a flat and have shut his door before but he climbs up everything. It’s a fun time

I have one child who takes ages to go to sleep- but the difference is it doesn’t disturb me I can just hear her talking and singing to herself until she passes out. Do you turn the light off and walk out, little to no communication after saying night, have a child gate on the door still?
Also have you tried consistently waking them up at 6.30/7am?

I feel you. I was in this position! It was so so so awful and I just wanted to give up. Essentially what happened was that I lay in his room reading mumsnet til he fell asleep. I did this for about a year and it gradually got better. He still won’t go to bed early but happily stays in bed and reads til he falls asleep.

this is the darkest moment, it will get better!

Safety gate and leave him to it. Our 3 year old won’t go straight down. She sings, dances, has a party with her teddys or sometimes goes through the draws to throw on a party dress. We do not engage with it. She gets put to bed at 7.30. She’s usually asleep albeit in a room of chaos by 9.

Getting up at 8.15 is probably just perpetuating the problem. He needs to be up at the same time every day, based on how much sleep he needs. Say 7am? You need to effectively 'nudge' his circadian rhythm.

Sticker charts and rewards for good bedtimes?

I'd stop trying to get him to sleep, and try to get your house calmer and less stressed in the evenings overall.

You're in a battle and no one is happy.

Some people have success with methods such as the whole house going quite quiet and boring, setting up a bed in the lounge so they don't feel too far away, letting them read as long as they want.

The worst thing for sleep is pressure to fall asleep.