I can’t cope anymore

[Oink38]

I don’t want to sound dramatic but I cannot cope anymore.

our DS (3) just won’t go to sleep at bedtime. It’s been like this for months. We have tried setting bedtime routines, no screens before bed, later bedtime, earlier bedtimes making sure he is full, reading books, listening to stories on his Tonie box. Nothing is working.

we put him down at 8pm and it takes nearly 2 hrs to settle him. He is sleepy but as soon as he gets into his bed he is jumping around and fighting his sleep.

I feel like a failure as a mum as I can’t put him to sleep. His dad and I share bedtimes so it’s not like I don’t have support. But I can’t understand why he won’t settle and why it’s taking so long.

we thought it was separation anxiety so we did the whole leave the room come back in to check for a good while and nope didn’t work. He literally spends hours with us laying next to him singing songs and refusing to settle. I just want to scream. Every bedtime is hell. There has been no let up for months.

we have no family or friends to support us. I just need a break. I can’t cope anymore

I'd try not sending him to bed and just letting him stay downstairs until he falls asleep. Might not take 2 hours if there's no longer a battle or any pressure.

You could all get ready for bed at 9.30pm and all go to bed in the same bed together. By the time he falls asleep, one of you could sleep in his bed.

When he wakes up next to mum or dad, perhaps he'll start looking forward to getting to bed quicker so he can wake up next to you or dad.

He's too young to need to be on a sleep schedule because of day commitments. Once he's started school/nearing 5, then look at changes.

Oh gosh, I feel your pain. Our DD (ASD / ADHD) was just the same and it was horrendous. For us, the only thing that helped was melatonin, but it really was a life-saver.

I know lots of people jump to this but any chance he is ADHD? It’s a common issue with sleep / getting to sleep. There might be some tips / tricks to look at regardless as I know a lot of ND parents struggle.

The other thing you can try is to help him learn his bedtime routine with photos and Velcro. Take a photo of him ‘brushing teeth’ ‘getting ready for bath’ etc and arrange them on a board or similar with Velcro or bluetack. Get him to show you what step is next at each point. Ignore any bad behaviour (unless dangerous) and over the top praise any good behaviour. At the end before sleep time say ‘well done you have done x or y so well you can have an extra story as a reward. Make your expectations clear before hand that he is expected to stay in bed even if he is not asleep yet.

My 3y DD can be hard to settle and goes down late and I often have to say something like ‘I will stay with you till you fall asleep but if you mess around I am going to leave you to get to sleep in your own. Hopefully it’s a phase and something will help.

At that age, we had a rule that they don't have to go to sleep but they have to be quiet and stay in bed.

We had a strict bedtime routine of milk, bath, teeth cleaning, story, bedtime.
Then they had some cuddly toys and and alphabet toy and a dim light (like 5 or 10 watts) and the door shut.
I would not engage or be fun once the story was done; I would just quietly and calmly remind them to get back into bed with the same boring monotone phrases.
I spent anything up to 2hrs per night for several weeks instilling that rule into each of ours (coincided with them moving from another to a bed) but once it was "in" the habit pretty much stuck.
Some nights they would go straight to sleep, others they would sit up in bed playing quietly with their toys but rarely would they leave their bed. Essentially, they'd just go to sleep when they were ready.

My DS6 is the same. He's gotten easier as time has gone on... 3 was definitely the hardest age for what you're describing. It'll get easier, I promise.

I recommend using magnesium flakes in their bath (kids usually are magnesium deficient due to poor soil quality these days, best absorbed through skin and it does wonders for sleep). I also recommend ensuring his gut biom it tip top. I've got some tablets for my son as I felt his was especially out (PM me if you'd like details), but even starting with some chewwy vitamin sweets could be a start. We also use a sleep meditation on YouTube that does wonders for him to drift off... again, PM me for details if interested. There's lots to choose from but he's got his favourites!

I will admit though, we still take turns to lie with him and read until he drifts off. Sometimes it takes 30 minutes, sometimes 2 hours! (He's more difficult than our DD who's 6 months old 🤣). He is however incredibly bright and energetic so fab at sport. We try and thank our lucky stars for these more positive characteristics...

Also handhold for others telling you that "it's down to parenting and rules". I used to feel terrible from people telling me this and beat myself up unnecessarily after trying their suggestions and them STILL not working. Since having our DD, I can categorically say that it's just down to the child. They're all SO different.

No judgement here, just love and hugs foe the hard time you're going through.

They are all different, my first didn't sleep till midnight even as a tiny baby so we just let him stay up till he dropped then all went to sleep. (I'm a night owl myself) As he grew older we just let him read til he slept, fortunately he was an early reader 😂 next needed 12 hours sleep and went 7pm to 7am from a year old, third similar to first, I gave up and he had videos till he fell asleep but often ended up in my bed in the middle of the night🤷‍♀️ they have all grown up to be bright, fully functioning adults with good jobs.......just do whatever you need to to make for a pleasant evening and decent sleep for everyone. Try not to make it a battle, square pegs don't fit into round holes. The only thing humans have in common is that we are all different🥰

I have seen a PP has mentioned this but I know a child that struggled to get to sleep and they were prescribed melatonin & that massively helped.

I’m also wondering if bedtime is slightly too late & your DS is becoming overtired- when my kids were little if they got overtired they would really fight going down at bedtime.

I’d be aiming to get him ready at 6:30, in bed & settled by 7pm latest. Sounds counterintuitive but often the earlier they go to bed the longer they sleep.

And do you say nothing while you do this? There needs to be no negotiation and no going back on what you are doing. Do you try the "no it's bedtime" putting back into ged repeatedly but then when he becomes "hysterical" you give in and lay down with him or whatever. If so you are undoing everything. You need to stick with it and keep going. There's no reason for him to get hysterical, he's only going to bed. You aren't hurting him or abandoning him. It's just a battle of wills!

You need to explain to him exactly what's going to happen beforehand eg bath, story, sleep, then he beds to stay in bed and you won't he doing x y z. Then when it comes to it you stick to your guns, no negotiation or backtracking regardless of his tantrumming.

Totally agree with a PP about an earlier bedtime. We do 7pm in bed, asleep by 7.30 and never let him sleep later than 7.30am. It took a lot to get to this point but it works wonders.

Also we use magnesium supplements, helps promote natural melatonin and these also work wonders. £10 ish for a months supply on Amazon.

We have been in dark places with his sleep in the past, but now he's 5 both methods above, alongside a super strict bedtime routine work like magic.

Another one to suggest an earlier bedtime here…. My little one is now 5 and has the odd night he will come in and out his room, but usually sleeps 12-14 hours a night!! When he was a similar age to op’s little one, he would mess around for a few hours before going to sleep. I’d put him up at around 7-7:30 and it
could be 10-11 before he drifted… so I thought “if he’s going to mess for hours going up at 7, he may as well mess for hours going up earlier. It really did help him going up an hour or so earlier. Once I stopped stressing about it and accepted he was just gonna chill in his room, he started relaxing and sleeping earlier. They have a strong sense of FOMO from about 3 I’ve noticed. Now we are trying to get him dry at night and not winning!!! Parenting is hard!! Hope he settles soon for you!

Personally I'd say stop sitting with him, trying to make him sleep and cajoling him. He probably is enjoying all the attention and also probably senses your desperation to get him to sleep.

So I'd say disengage...do the bedtime story or whatever, goodnight kiss and walk out. Do you have a baby gate on the door? If not I'd get one...say goodnight breezily and walk out. If he kicks off, you return, don't engage beyond saying it's bedtime, put him back in bed, goodnight and walk out. And repeat.

Sending you sympathy

My dc with adhd were like this. This is how we did it:

Bring bedtime forward to take into account how long bedtime will take. Any attempt at shenanigans once in bed was met with "it's bedtime, lie down and close your eyes". Be boring. It's ok for them to be awake but they must be lying down preferably with eyes closed. Id set myself up in their room with a comfy place to sit and my Kindle. Id settle in knowing that i was going to be there until he fell asleep, however long that took. Resigning myself to it made a big difference because it won't be forever.

Every time he tried to get up id immediately tell him to lie back down - very calmly. If you get wound up, his energy levels will rise again. Everything must remain calm and quiet - if you or dh is struggling to do that, swap.

I picked out a few books (usually Mog - something easy to listen to but sufficiently long that they'd fall asleep by the end - we had all of them, so if they weren't asleep by the end of one, grab another and do that too) and as the book went on, id lower my voice, very low tone, stretch out the words, pauses between sentences, breathe deeply while reading - they'd seem to match my deep breathing and eventually they'd fall asleep. If he won't close his eyes, stroke his hair and then stroke your finger down his forehead and down his nose. Having your finger so close to his eyes should prompt him to close his eyes. Once he's got his eyes closed, he's one step closer to sleep.

I have adhd and used to be the same when i was a child, id feel very anxious at bedtime for no apparent reason but it was because i was scared of being on my own. my parents were very stern about it - get into bed, shut the door, that was it. Sleep. But it didn't work like that. Self soothing as a child when you haven't learned the skills you need is awful. My dc needed help to go to sleep - they're 8 now and they've been able to go to sleep reliably since they were 4. If they're ill very occasionally we need to sit with them to fall asleep - maybe twice a year. Once we cracked them actually going to sleep, we could start to withdraw - telling them "i need to pop downstairs but I'll be back in two minutes, I'll do one more song and then it's time to sleep". Make sure you do exactly whatever it is you said you would do. Eventually we extended the time in increments to 10 minutes and by 10 minutes, they were usually asleep. We saw progress within a few days.

You and dh continue to take turns, it's important you can walk away when you're struggling because if you get wound up, you're back to square one.

If conventional parenting techniques aren't working, try some unconventional ones. The supernanny school of thought (your child must be able to fall asleep by themselves) doesn't work for every child. Your child won't go to sleep if he's hysterical and he's not being hysterical to be naughty. He needs something , probably reassurance, and it's ok to give him it. When something you're doing isn't working, trying something else isn't '"giving in". It's just trying something else. Letting go of supernanny tactics and doing what our dc needed was what changed it all for us. Within a week or two they were going to sleep within 20-30 minutes.

When you say 'gets up' is that from a normal bed or a crib?