41% of parents caring for disabled children have contemplated suicide.

[Catslanding]

www.birmingham.ac.uk/news/2024/more-than-40-of-parents-with-disabled-children-have-thought-about-suicide-study

I found this by googling pretty much the exact same thing. I'm having a bad day. The only thing that keeps me here is her, my beautiful disabled daughter.

Have any other parent carers ever felt this way? It's the most isolating job. I've ended up pretty much completely alone due to my own health suffering as the years drifted by in a blur, me giving more than I have, one emergency after another. I often care for 16 hours a day, some even more than that. I have no energy left for anything. Leaving the house is physically and mentally difficult, there's no such thing as jumping in the car.

I feel like we live in a goldfish bowl, I can see out but nobody sees in. I watch everyone else living whilst I do the same routines all day, every day, if I'm lucky, some days I'm too ill to do them.

I love my child so much, please don't read this and think she is in any way responsible, she's not. She's wonderful and I'm so glad she's here. I'm also very aware of being unable to voice these feelings in real life because I know people who have lost children. They would give anything to feel like I do right now. The guilt of that compounds the feelings I already have.

Even writing this scares the shit out of me because if she dies tonight I'll regret this post forever. I feel like I'm not allowed to feel how I feel. It's impossible.

I try so hard to be a good mum but I'm shell shocked from the trauma I've experienced as a 'medical mum' (hate that term, don't know how else to describe it) One thing after another after another. It's brutal. There's no time to process any of it. I used to write but now I can barely form a sentence. I feel so fucking stuck. I'm a robot.

I don't even have the option of suicide because she needs me too much. I know her inside out, I keep her alive. But it doesn't stop me thinking about it.

I can't be alone in these feelings?

If you know any parent carers or carers in general, check in on them. This life is not for the weak.

Mother of 2 disabled adults. One since birth (ASD), one more recent. Neither would manage without a lot of support which is not really available. I have had those thoughts many times particularly in the last year as I get older and more tired. I hate that I resent the caring sometimes. I love my children but I would love to have a life. I see friends with relationships, going out, holidays etc. none of that is on the cards for me. I'm mid 50's and my life revolves around them and their needs.

You all have my utmost respect because it is so difficult some days.

Me too, I'm not sure that statistic is accurate. What draws me back, keeps me putting one toe in front of the other (can't manage a full foot anymore) is the knowledge I'm the only chance they've got. Also I think my DD would kill herself if I was gone. I'm disabled myself and in agonising pain, and I feel all I do is fail right now. If SS saw my house they'd be seriously concerned. My DD thankful is happy to go to her dad's currently but we go through periods where she's really distressed and doesn't want to go. He has them 2 nights a week, but often on those days I'm taking one or more to appointments or sport or sorting things they need and if they're sick on the day hed drop them at school in the morning then he drops them at mine instead. It seems like a break on paper, but it never ends up being one and there's often emotional distress for one or more of the kids because of their time with their dad.

I have but couldn't leave my child without me. Antidepressants have helped a lot. I wish I started them years ago.
I find the biggest issue is not the caring for my child but dealing with all the shit from education, health and social care as there is always at least one of them causing problems.

seriously I think.you are amazing to still be functioning with chronic pain yourself and dealing with the demands of disabled kids as well. No way is that a failure in anyone's book.
But I know words are cheap.and it doesn't really help to hear it x

I totally agree ! As I said earlier the systems set up.to help.are often guilty of doing the exact opposite.

OP you still write, in such an eloquent way.

OP you still write, in such an eloquent way.

I'm surprised it's not much higher, it would be really difficult

I used to volunteer at a Saturday club for children with disabilities - it might be worth looking to see if there's one near you - purpose was mainly to give the parents a break.

You're far from alone with these feelings, hugs

Thank you OP. I have been struggling with depression this year and your thread helped another penny drop. I am struggling with care responsibilities too
I was feeling pretty low before I clicked on your thread, now I'm tearful but also feel uplifted by the solidarity here.
It's not a competition and I have to make myself recognise that although other people are describing situations which sound tougher than what I'm facing my struggles are real. Never enough sleep, constant worries and feeling I'm falling. ❤ to everyone struggling with any of these tough situations.

No judgement just a hand hold OP.
you are obviously a wonderful loving mother and times are hard.

Similar here.

I have been in the house of one other person this year. Literally no one else has invited me to as much as a cup of tea.

He was an unpleasant man who wanted to use me for sex. But he did make me a cup of tea.

I think I might die of loneliness.

I regularly want to end things.

My life has got smaller and smaller and my child more and more challenging and distressed. I've been asking for help for my childs difficulties for about 5/6 years now. I knew this place we are now was where we were headed without professional intervention. No-one listened and now they are so far gone, they won't accept it and they are completely changed as a person, I can't ever see my old child ever coming back (it was hard before due to ND but they were happier, felt like they belonged, felt like life was ok).

I walk on eggshells all day everyday, I don't sleep properly because I am always 'on call'. I am now a full time carer. I watch everyone else in this house waft off to their jobs and their lives every fucking day, where they get to feel like an actual person, have a sense of worth and purpose, have freinds, a life. You could argue caring for my child is my purpose but I feel like I'm fucking it up, nothing is ever good enough or right for them. They tell me they hate their life and want to die. I don't blame them, everything for both of us is hopeless, lonely and miserable. Leaving the house is now almost impossible.

I wake in the night even when my child hasn't come and woken and me or is ranging about the house at stupid o clock. Those times are the worst. That's when i think the worst thoughts.

It's the hopelessness that does it. Knowing you've asked for help, it isnt coming, ever, nothing is going to get better, you can only see it getting worse and watching your child become more hopeless too, watching your child give up on themselves no matter what you say or do for them is scary, overwhelming and painful. Sometimes it feels too much to bear.

But I can't leave my child without me, because love them and they need me, so here I am, existing each day but wishing I did not.

Please call your local authorities early help service for help xx

We phone everyone we can think of, several times.

There is very little help.

My son left SEND college 2 years ago. No one has asked about him since.

I spoke to social services about his violence and their report said I was at a high chance of being attacked or committing suicide. Then they signed us off because (somehow) my parenting remains pretty good.

We’re sorry to hear what so many of you are dealing with right now.

We can see there’s a wealth of support that’s already been posted here. For any of you who could do with having this information to hand, we also wanted to share our links to organisations which may be able to give you some help in real life too.

First of all, here's a link to our Mental Health resources. If you're feeling very low, you can contact the Samaritans, any time, by emailing [email protected]
or by calling 116 123.

You can also get help from a text service called Shout 85258. Its trained volunteers are available all hours of the day and night to listen and support you to get to a calmer and safe place. It's a free, confidential, anonymous service for anyone in the UK.

Very best wishes from all of us at MNHQ

I wish we all knew each other in real.life. I would love to have you round for a cuppa anytime. I am I the midlands if anyone else is.

Sending love to everyone who's part of this thread whether visible or not ❤

@Catslanding @Anonanonanonn @DrummingMousWife @EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness @Frith2013 @Harrysutton @Jennywren2000 @Jumbocoffeemorning @MouseKeys @Potentialmadcatlady @PureRed1992 @Robinnohood @Runninglatetoday @Sadmamatoday @Sheeparelooseagain @Unexpectedlysinglemum @Vinvertebrate @anicecuppateaa @bozzabollix @craigth162 @existentialpain @flapjackfairy @helloisitmeyourelookingfor @ihatesonic @namechanged48484884

If you have a moment today do please join me for my virtual 24hour fantasy coffee morning. Right now I am having a quiet few moments with my cold cup.of tea and I thought of you all and allowed myself to picture a coffee morning..

I would say to someone 'I've got a lot on my mind' and they would say 'me too' and we'd chat for a bit.

I would get some knitting out (I used to love all sorts of crafting).

There would be fruit and cake and hot drinks.

What would the children be doing? Maybe some would be gaming happily or watching a film in another room quite happy, with support if they need it. We would not be worried about them.

I hope you have a quiet moment with a hot drink or a creative pursuit or a chat at some time in the next 24hrs.

🍰 🍏☕❤

Sounds bliss
Im currently lying in bed next to 4 yr old hoping he'll take a nap. Yesterday involved a 6am ambulance ride to resus and then 12 hrs in childrens ward. Im done.

Great idea. My perfect break would be homemade scones , jam and clotted cream and endless tea. It would be calorie free scones of course. I have been stress eating which has meant my jeans are way too tight now ! But ...I can't be bothered to tackle it ATM.
Anyway I have actually just managed to get out for a walk in the sunshine though even that involved walking to.the local.hospital ( conveniently 20 mins walk away) to collect some meds though when I got there the pharmacy was closed! Honestly a major trauma centre and the pharmacy closes at 1pm.
It was nice to get out though after two weeks of viruses and illness . We have had conjuctivitus ( 3 of us so far ), hand foot and mouth ( 3 again ) a funny cough and cold ( pretty much everyone ) and the youngest ones seizures have gone off the scale. Still we seem to be on the up again thankfully.
I really find a 30 minute power walk.helps me to stay sane and keeps the stress levels down.

What do others do to help their mental health ?

Exactly this. No matter who you phone: 111, GP, CMHT, mental health crisis team, social work even 999, nobody does anything. If you’re lucky they’ll sit and tell you what a great parent you are and how they’d never manage in your position and to keep going for the kids.
Most days now I just can’t be bothered anymore, I barely even feel love for my children anymore, my son continues to take his nappy off and pee and poo on the floor and attack me when I try to clean him up, how can I keep doing this? My life is shit and piss… literally.

Everyone feels sorry for you but no one wants to or can help.

I am sorry ! No words help I know but I hear you. x

I feel like this daily. 2 kids with disabilities and my youngest severely autistic. Aggression and being hit are daily occurrences for me. I'm terrified of the future.

I'm a single mother and it is so completely isolating and overwhelming. But I'm trapped. What will happen if I'm not here to look after them.

I recently had an accident. It was very touch and go. And when I came to and was told how close I came to dying I was disappointed that it hadn't happened. I just wished and still wish that I'd died in the accident. It wouldn't have been my fault and at least it would be over now.

I'm sick of hearing I don't know how you do it from people. I do it because I have to because I love my children. But I'm no longer an actual person.