Caught illness at in laws with newborn

[Spnelli]

Whilst we've had a few visitors at home from close friends and family my husband and I agreed to travel 1.5 hours to visit his grandparents in their 90s. His family do usually have group gatherings also.
When we arrived one of his relatives said that they were feeling slightly unwell so sat in corner and didn't come near baby and it had only started that day. Room is quite large and every else washed hands. We left the next day and were told
Grandparents tested positive for covid and relative was staying with them a few days and has left but was negative. Unsure where covid came from.
I started feeling unwell two days after grandparents so husband got covid tests and mine had two bold red lines. I feel awful and been in bed 4 days now isolating. Baby went to hospital for check up but is fine. I've had to cancel visits such as Mum etc and husband has taken time off work. Baby is fine however we were always so careful. I told MIL how disappointed I was and she said people go around everyday not knowing they have covid.
Baby is 5 weeks old. I now don't want baby being held by his family ( who clearly don't get how important illness is) until I'm off maternity leave. ( which is short due to finances ) I feel like I've wasted precious time with my baby to keep him protected.
Any advice on how I tell his family this?
I will obviously be much more vigilant for other guests however we've followed precautions and that's never been an issue.
I'm also recovering from a c section which has been followed by issues so was finally getting better when I got covid which has been the worst I have ever had it. I'm struggling to eat and drink due to my throat so can't afford to be getting ill.

You might be overthinking this. People get sick, and you do not always know you have Covid. I am not sure why you are holding in laws in such a negative manner for catching a virus at a party. You said everyone washed their hands, so honestly what more could they do? You could have sat in a cafe and caught covid

I'm so sorry to hear this and hope you feel better soon. Tell them you are sick if you want, but there's really no way to avoid getting sick unless you want to stay home forever. Given they all sounded like they were being very cautious I would not have ill feelings about it

Also if you don't let your baby be held by anyone then your baby is going to lack some serious social skills which is far worse than catching the odd cold. Your baby is going to catch me germs when they start liking the floor in a few months or other disgusting kids at baby groups or the playground. Your DH family is not the issue

Do you have health anxiety? This is a big over reaction and. Really unfair on your in laws.

Well, it's no mystery where the covid came from. And my guess is nobody is surprised the family now has an outbreak.

It was horribly inconsiderate and downright reckless of them not to warn you that there was a sick individual in the house so you could have decided whether to go ahead or postpone your visit.

Don't fret about wasted time. Save your energy for recovery, and make sure your H tests daily.

Are you breastfeeding?

If not, you might be able to get a prescription for paxlovid.

They could have called and put the OP off visiting.

They could have all worn masks.

They could have asked the family member who was sick to leave.

Covid is not inevitable, and it's not just any old virus.

The OP is recovering from pregnancy and has a very young baby. The GPs were reckless and should be told what their recklessness has brought about. Who in their right mind exposes a new mother and baby to any illness? They knew the person was sick.

Why did your baby go to hospital for a check up? Did they seem ill? Or was it an appointment that was already planned for something else?

And do you feel awful as in very ill… or awful as in guilty that you have covid? Because if you feel fine then isolating for 4 days is quite an overreaction.

I’m sorry but illnesses are a part of life - yes of course take reasonable precautions with a new baby, they don’t need to be passed around like a parcel, but you can’t protect them from everything.

What do you think happens when there is more than one child in a family? You can’t stop a 3 year old bringing germs home from nursery and you can’t isolate them from the rest of the family.

I do agree that they could have given you a heads up so you could have postponed your visit and the person probably should've left the room while you were there. If you are breastfeeding that will be really great for your baby OP as they will get your antibodies. I do think it's understandable you are upset but I don't think it was done with any malicious intent

I agree with @mathanxiety it was reckless of your in laws not to let you know in advance there was someone unwell in the house.

If you had known, you could have rescheduled.

Yes, babies need to meet other people but a newborn is completely different to an older baby. Newborns have very underdeveloped immune systems so can become more unwell with what would be a cold to an adult (thinking of RSV).

But just to add it seems like they have a bit thoughtless rather than nasty about it- maybe a word with them to explain your feelings would be the way forward.

Who is looking after your baby when you go back to work? Unfortunately this is just the start of building up the immune system. They are ill a lot in the first few years. Fortunately now he will have some immunity to Covid if you are breastfeeding.

Congratulations on becoming parents!

You do whatever you think is necessary for your peace of mind. If you feel more relaxed keeping yourself and baby away from anyone who you feel uncomfortable about, then you have every right to do that. Stay strong. At the moment do that you and baby’s father think and feel is the best and safest way to do what puts you at ease.

It’s all very well naysayers on here telling you that one can catch Covid anywhere/anytime cos there are people out there with Covid who don’t know they’ve got it, and that’s unavoidable.

However you have every right to feel protective of your newborn and where I’m coming from that’s perfectly ok.

I hope you get well very soon and your incision will heal well.

It's bad luck, but it's also just life.

Babies are overwhelming unaffected with COVID. I had it when I gave birth and my son caught it immediately - all ok.

Also there's a pretty gaping misconception about babies immune system's - they obviously haven't had the opportunity to create specific antibodies but their immune systems are incredible. Google it x

@MarathonofLife
it is great that you guys were ok but my sister caught Covid when her DS was 3 months old and it wiped them both out for
weeks. Baby didn’t need hospital but he was off feed and wouldn’t latch which was stressful for everyone as it caused weight loss. Still being followed up by paeds now.

it is NOT true that newborns have a robust immune system. It’s not a cause for panic but there is a huge difference between a newborn and an older baby when it comes to immunity (the latter licking floors, going to nursery etc when picking up bugs is inevitable).

www.immunology.org/public-information/bitesized-immunology/immune-development/neonatal-immunology

You’re entitled to be upset about the situation but not allowing your partner’s family to touch your baby again is way OTT and really puts your partner in a shit position.
I think once you’re feeling better and have had some nice one on one time with baby then you need to properly consider this again.

So the time line

You arrive
Family member started to feel unwell on the day you came so keep distance. Everyone washed hands.
You leave
Grandparents have covid
You get COVID

Firstly you don't know the unwell person started this particularly given they didn't test positively, secondly you don't know where you got covid from or even if you gave it to grandparents rather than other way round.

Blaming family because people became ill while you were there is really unfair. Limiting contact until you return to work is a big overreaction. When your child goes to nursery/childcare they will get lots of illnesses. It's important to build a strong immune system in childhood.

Anxiety is tough and can lead to feeling overwhelmed with things we cannot control. If you feel like it is impacting too much I'd look at accessing some counselling.

OP, I'm sorry you've been sick on top of post-partum recovery. That's miserable.

But your feelings towards your in-laws are misplaced. You and your DH are the parents and chose to take the baby to visit grandparents knowing there would be some sort of gathering and relatives staying. They told you what they knew - that one person was feeling unwell - and everyone took precautions that you and your DH felt were acceptable at the time. They couldn't predict the future any more than you could, and they weren't responsible for overriding your parental judgement. As parents we have to find a balance between managing risk for our children without locking them away from the world and that can feel like a terrifying, impossible task sometimes. Anxiety about that is normal but we can't let it control us.

Take some time to look after yourself and get better. But please don't let this become a rift in a relationship with your DH's family.

I hate the replies that threads like these attract.

The family/ in laws would have known there was someone in the house feeling unwell. I’d say it’s common sense to mention that to anyone who is visiting BEFORE they arrive, let alone visiting with a newborn, but common sense isn’t very common. Especially on Mumsnet.

I’ve never encountered people in real life who think it’s so acceptable to expose new baby’s to illnesses. Yes, in some situations it’s unavoidable, but in others, like this one it was absolutely avoidable and a visit could have been rearranged. Why would anyone willingly expose a tiny baby to anything?

And baby’s don’t need to be exposed to illness to “build up” an immune system. That is categorically NOT how it works.

https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2022/is-the-hygiene-hypothesis-true

This is ridiculous. The main crux of your argument (The family/ in laws would have known there was someone in the house feeling unwell.) is the exact opposite of what The OP says in her post.

OP actually said, “When we arrived one of his relatives said that they were feeling slightly unwell”. She didn’t actually specify if it started once they were already there or not, but how likely is it that it came out of nowhere? Come on now.

OP I totally understand you feeling upset that you both caught covid and it impacted your time with baby.

Particularly given your maternity leave is short and you feel this is impacting that. Is there any possible that it’s the short maternity leave that is really impacting you? It’s not unusual, when feeling something like that is unfair, to look for other things to blame also.

I don’t think your in-laws are to blame here though. I think it’s just bad luck.

Please don’t ban anyone from holding your baby until after maternity leave. That isn’t fair to your baby or them. Also what happens at the end of maternity leave, they’re not suddenly going to stop being receptive to germs relatives might be harbouring. It’s a worrying time, I get it, but I think you’re massively overreacting and not thinking straight with this and could regret it when baby is older.

I agree with this.’
You are not overreacting.Your in-laws were acting very selfishly by not protecting you and their grandchild. Also even if everyone was well they should not have expected you to travel after your operation, in my opinion.

I, like you would be very careful from now on.

Also don’t believe that your tiny baby needs to be passed about like a parcel to be “socialised”.
She is a human not a dog!

You have had a horrible time, Covid and a Caesarian and a new baby must have been very difficult. It sounds like you have managed wonderfully.

Put yourself and your baby first from now on. Eat well, boost your immune system and when you feel 100% again you will become confident enough to mix normally with groups etc.

The anxiety is quite normal faced with what you have gone through.
When you are completely well again. I’m sure it will stop. It is a natural defence mechanism given the circumstances.

Good luck!

Yes illnesses are part of life, but it's pretty shit to give one to a new mum, let alone the baby.

I've always steered clear of newborns and their mums til I'm better.

Hi op. My son had Covid when my newborn was 2 weeks old at the time, she didn't catch it ! I did have Covid during the pregnancy and wondered if she had my antibodies, I was also breastfeeding which may have helped.
Try not to worry, I think Covid doesn't affect babies as much