Caught illness at in laws with newborn

[Spnelli]

Whilst we've had a few visitors at home from close friends and family my husband and I agreed to travel 1.5 hours to visit his grandparents in their 90s. His family do usually have group gatherings also.
When we arrived one of his relatives said that they were feeling slightly unwell so sat in corner and didn't come near baby and it had only started that day. Room is quite large and every else washed hands. We left the next day and were told
Grandparents tested positive for covid and relative was staying with them a few days and has left but was negative. Unsure where covid came from.
I started feeling unwell two days after grandparents so husband got covid tests and mine had two bold red lines. I feel awful and been in bed 4 days now isolating. Baby went to hospital for check up but is fine. I've had to cancel visits such as Mum etc and husband has taken time off work. Baby is fine however we were always so careful. I told MIL how disappointed I was and she said people go around everyday not knowing they have covid.
Baby is 5 weeks old. I now don't want baby being held by his family ( who clearly don't get how important illness is) until I'm off maternity leave. ( which is short due to finances ) I feel like I've wasted precious time with my baby to keep him protected.
Any advice on how I tell his family this?
I will obviously be much more vigilant for other guests however we've followed precautions and that's never been an issue.
I'm also recovering from a c section which has been followed by issues so was finally getting better when I got covid which has been the worst I have ever had it. I'm struggling to eat and drink due to my throat so can't afford to be getting ill.

Why did you take the baby to hospital to be checked if they were fine? Honestly, I mean this gently, you're massively overreacting here and this is really unfair on your in-laws.

You’re entitled to be upset about the situation but not allowing your partner’s family to touch your baby again is way OTT and really puts your partner in a shit position.

That. It's unfortunate that you didn't know that the relative was unwell (maybe they doesn't feel unwell until you were on the way, as you say it only started that day) and few people have masks on hand these days. Also it seemed that they didn't have COVID anyway.

So it was just one of those things, and the in-laws don't get to be punished for it.

Op the relative that was ill, may not have had Covid.

and you were happy with the precautions. Staying away, everyone washing their hands. You were happy with those precautions.

It appears your in-laws didn’t know they had Covid and didn’t have symptoms when you visited. You didn’t know they had it. Not sure how this could have been avoided. They could have caught it elsewhere.

i am confused about why you are isolating away from your child if your child had it and and needed hospital attention. Surly if you both have it, you don’t need to isolate away from the baby and miss precious time?

This.

She said they'd only started feeling ill that day. It's on the OP. So OP was probably already on the way when they started feeling ill

I'd definitely be swerving them in the run up to and around Christmas as it sounds like they may not be honest about illness if they all want plans to go ahead and I'd say as much to them. Wouldn't want the first Christmas trashed! But otherwise it is just part and parcel of life, lots of people are selfish. I will be doing my best to dodge the London commute in December for similar reasons.

A heads up - if you continue to blame your in laws and punish them by not letting them hold the baby etc then you are inviting a world of bad feeling and pain into your lives. Relationships, positive ones, with family and friends are the biggest indicator of a happy and healthy child.

So the unwell person didn't have covid

Just felt a bit perky but assume hasn't been sick

I don't see the issue with them being there

But the grandparents did and gave to you unknowingly

Why did you take baby to hospital - were they ill?

All washes their hands

I think you are overthinking this a lot

Enjoy time with baby while on ml

If going to a nursery very likely your baby will get every cough cold bug going for first few months - sad but true

You also sound if you feel guilt for not taking longer ml - don't

I went back at 17w as self employed and earn more a night then a weeks of maternity allowance

Not letting any of DH's family hold the baby until mat leave is over?
I understand hormones are likely at play but that is just absolutely over the top.

and she said people go around everyday not knowing they have covid
MiL is correct. You cannot stop one side of the family seeing your child because of this. Also you realise statistically speaking your baby was probably at greater risk of exposure to covid at the hospital than at a relative’s house?

I wonder why the relatives didn’t mention that one of them was sick until after OP arrived? Surely they knew before? Was it because they were naive about how poorly it could make a new mum who has just had a c section, and her baby? Or because they suspected that if OP and her partner had some forewarning they would reschedule the visit for once the relative was better, and they put their excitement at meeting the baby ahead of the mum and baby’s health? Either way, they need to know the outcome so that they can become better informed on health / start to reflect on their actions.

Sorry to hear you're unwell. My daughter and I caught covid when she was 5 weeks old in 2021. It was horrible and scary and to this day I've no idea where I caught it from but suspect my in-laws and family who kept getting "stinking colds" in the middle of summer.

I wouldn't forbid people from holding your little one but I would definitely re iterate incredibly clearly your thoughts and precautions on illness around the baby. Perhaps have a think about some ground rules to set before that every one has to follow? We did masks, covid tests, hand washing, absolutely no kissing etc. And if someone is unwell or in the same household as an unwell person it's a blanket 'no' to visiting unfortunately. I know how it feels to need to have some control over the situation especially when baby is so little and vulnerable but ultimately sometimes you can follow everything to the letter and they still get poorly.

As others have said youngsters actually fare pretty well with covid. Perhaps having a think about these rules would be good for when RSV + flu seasons come around.

This is a huge overreaction… as is the original post.

Your reaction does not seem proportional to the situation. Are you feeling ok since the birth? Hormones can play havoc, even if you don't develop post parturition depression. You willingly visited people and one person was ill, but stayed well away. You didn't leave because they were ill and they didn't have the virus your baby caught. The people who seemed perfectly well that day later came down with a virus, so no one would have predicted that.

It would be a shame to fall out over this. Your baby can catch a virus from someone passing in the street coughing. What magic line in the sand will there be that when you go back to work they will suddenly be allowed to hold the baby? Your childminder or nursery will also have staff and kids that get ill, it is just part of life. Family relationships are important.

You say the unwell person didn't have covid, which surely means you were just as likely to have given the grandparents covid than the other way round especially given all the house visitors you had had. Covid is much more a risk to the GPs than your pfb newborn

If you are that worried you better stop anyone touching the baby, next time it could be relatives on your side incubating an infection they don't know about. Many bugs are infectious before symptoms become obvious.

How are the GPs? 90s is a really bad age to get Covid.

The people saying that OPs reaction is overly anxious need to respect the fact that some people are generally much more anxious about germs than you are. It could be for multiple reasons - for me I find it stressful and worrying and I just don’t have that “power through” mindset… wish I did but I don’t, despite years of trying!

I had a (kind of) similar situation, I have a toddler and currently pregnant, we attended a family function where a family member had tested positive for Covid, they didn’t attend the event but the rest of their household did (some were clearly symptomatic) I have to say I was fuming and made my feelings clear that they should have stayed away. I find it incredibly selfish that people still excuse Covid as a “cold” and still go off enjoying themselves and spreading germs. I had Covid last year and it was absolutely horrendous - not something I want to pick up while actually pregnant and already suffering with nausea.

I love these family members but have been firm now in saying that I would like a pre warning if someone isn’t feeling well (even on the day of an event) so I can make my own decision about attending.

@Spnelli its a horrible thing to have happen at this stage. I’d maybe ask your husband to send a message to relatives saying that you hope everyone feels better, unfortunately you and the baby have been quite unwell, so in future would really appreciate a heads up if anyone is feeling unwell even if it’s short notice / that morning.

I do accept that people get ill and you cannot avoid all germs like at essential things like school etc, but to me it’s unnecessary to carry on with social events when someone is sick especially if it’s something that can be rescheduled easily. And I know not everyone is obliged to be honest about symptoms they have but I really appreciate and respect those that give me a heads up.

So you think it's normal to forbid all of her husband's family from holding the baby?

You cannot avoid illness. Many illnesses are contagious before a person shows any symptoms and covid has so many symptoms now it's near impossible to tell if you have it or some other virus and tests aren't 100% accurate. I understand newborns are precious and you want to do all you can to protect them but I doubt the family wanted to make baby poorly on purpose so I think it's one if those things you just have to put up with. If you are breastfeeding you will pass on any antibodies you have

You're going overboard with this.

People everywhere are ill all the time, you can't avoid it and are being unreasonable to think you can.

Keeping your baby from illness won't help them in the future either.

I think it’s totally her decision, baby is just 5 weeks old and it’s not anyone’s right to cuddle or kiss or touch her baby. She’s feeling unwell and hormonal and recovering from major surgery as well as Covid…. Totally her call on what she feels comfortable with!

id say it would be unwise to use the term “forbid” lol but there are ways to perhaps keep more distance at least for a few weeks until baby is bigger and she’s feeling more human, e.g. husband sending a message to say they want to avoid close contact for a bit having just recovered from a bad bout of Covid.

I know people are saying “you never know what viruses people have” but I’d say most of the time I can pinpoint being around sneezy people in the office, or someone that had xyz symptoms a few days ago and then you come down with it. If my approach means I get 7 viruses a year instead of 9 I feel it’s worth it 😅

Massive overreaction OP. I very much doubt 90 year olds are going to knowingly bring covid into their house.

You are way overthrowing this, and being unreasonable.

As you say yourself, baby is fine.

Illnesses happen. Anyone of us can pick up a virus at any point, and not know until we are symptomatic.

Unless, you and your DH are going to live isolated away from civilisation a la 2020 style, then you are going to exposed to viruses, and will pass them on yourselves.

Did you actually read her post? I don't think you did. Instead, you jumped on here to defend because you had some relatable story.

She said she wouldn't let anyone from DH's family hold the baby until the end of her maternity leave.

Why comment if you don't actually know what's going on?

I had a baby in 2021 and we did everything possible with ground rules around visits - outside, no visit if unwell, must have a negative covid test before visiting, hand washing, my mum even insisted on wearing a mask around baby etc.

My older daughter then went back to school and bang she bought home Covid. We didn’t know until she was poorly despite all the requirements from school then around testing, hand washing and masks and she got a positive test. The next day I felt rubbish and I was positive and then yep 5 week old baby tested positive and ended up rushed to hospital via ambulance for breathing issues. Thankfully we are all fine now. DS has had issues with breathing ever since but that’s another story…. My point is I haven’t banned my daughter from being with her brother because she bought covid home because I don’t even know it was her I might have got it first and just taken a while to test positive and she got sicker first who knows! Gently, I would let this go.

It happens even with taken the most precautions possible. I wouldn’t punish the in laws but completely understand you want to enjoy your maternity leave with baby but don’t cut off support you may need one day. When they go to nursery/childminder they get so many germs and bugs and our ds first 6 months were super tough especially going back to work and trying to juggle a baby and then all the sick bugs, germs etc on top.

However, I do agree that the person that was feeling poorly shouldn’t have been there but they don’t seem to be the cause of the covid. You might have had it already and passed it on, you just can’t say where it’s come from. I hope you are feeling better and recovered from covid and can enjoy the rest of your mat leave.