Does this sound extremely toxic and unhealthy to you?

[FenBee]

Sorry it's a bit long.

I’ve been dating a guy for two years. When we met, he was married but fully separated, though he hadn't initiated divorce yet. He shares a 5-year-old son with his ex, who lives in another country. Despite being separated, he continued paying the mortgage and some of the bills for their marital home and even renewed the mortgage term for another two years after attempting to sell the property, which his ex refused.

During our relationship, we’ve gone on several holidays together, and he has been nice overall. However, we’ve broken up four times so far, the most recent being in May. I feel like he takes advantage of these breakups - right after, he went to see his son and then on a lads’ holiday to Marbella, then to Tunisia with his family, and later his friends joined him there. He also took several other city breaks during that period with his friends. Before this recent breakup, we had been stable for about seven months. During that time, he deleted his Facebook and Instagram and even put a symbolic picture representing us as his WhatsApp profile photo - illustration of our eye colour.

One of my other concerns is how he reacted when his ex applied for child maintenance last year. He was really angry and, interestingly, posted our first official picture on Facebook just five minutes before picking up his son from her/their house after he had made the first payment. Three days later, when he was about to leave for a long business trip, we broke up, and he immediately removed the picture, replacing it with a sad breakup quote. We got back together a week later, only to break up again for four months. After getting back together and whilst on our makeup holiday, he finally filed for divorce and quit his well-paid cooperate job as he couldn't afford to pay child maintenance and the mortgage. He’s currently working as a delivery driver (cash in hand), but he says it’s only temporary until the financial settlement is finalised.

Now, he frequently changes his social media profile pictures, and he seems happy. I don't know how to feel about the whole situation. I know I'm silly for going back and forth. I wonder if he ever loved me..

For reference, I'm 31 and he 35.

Why are you with this man. He is horrible.

'He has been nice overall' isn't much of a compliment to this on-off relationship, and that seems to be the best you can muster. Do yourself a favour and ditch him for good.

Why are valuing yourself so low?

He sounds like a complete cunt. Why would you want to be with a man who leaves his young child in another country and evades tax to punish the child's mother?

You know he's only maintaining his house because he doesn't want her to get half. Or anything.

He’s usually nice in the beginning, but once he gets comfortable or summer approaches, he starts causing major arguments that eventually lead to our breakups.

You're right. I've been a right fool. He says his ex prevents him from bringing his son here and they often argue about this.

Take what you say about him, and delete everything including and before the ‘but’.

I feel deeply attached to him. He always seems to know how to win me back once the fun and holiday season is over, and I keep falling for it. I feel foolish.

Just the fact that you’ve been together for 2 years and already broken up 4 times means that this relationship is dead in the water. Add in the fact that he’s a deadbeat parent who is avoiding financially supporting his child…

Yes. Highly toxic.

Break up and block and delete.

this is not a “nice” man

You’ve broken up four times in two years.

Stop letting this man waste your life.

Don’t get addicted to the rollercoaster. Anxiety can be mistaken for love.

Thank you. I’ve blocked him, but he hasn’t done the same. Recently, he put a picture with a caption that says, 'The person I needed the most showed me that I don't need anybody.' I feel like this is an attempt to guilt-trip me, especially since we broke up around the time he started the financial separation with his ex.

You are being foolish for wasting the best years of your life on a relationship going nowhere. I say this because I want to be kind. You need a good counsellor in my opinion. Not this on-off relationship.

Anyone who uses profile pictures and quotes to send a 'message' is a bellend.

Quite.

Strongly agree. Can’t deal with the cryptic quotes. Bin him off.

Thank you everyone. I understand this now. From an outside perspective, I can see how toxic the situation is and feel foolish for getting back together with him four times after long breakups. I feel sad that I believed his lies and that it seems he never truly loved me. When I compare myself to his ex, I see that we’re very different, which makes me wonder if he was just passing time with me and he'd leave me for the next best thing.

So he's not paying towards his child. Nice. Speaks volumes. He's a shit. Work on your self esteem and find someone who will actually value you and treat you as an equal. Or just stay single, its a perfectly valid choice.

He was contributing to the mortgage but didn’t see his son regularly. His ex was complicating the financial situation by refusing to sell the home.
I’m single now and generally content, but I feel angry that he deceived me.

Contributing to the mortgage on a house he half owns doesn’t constitute ‘paying for his child’.

He's using you. Get rid. It's not going to change after 2 years.

@FenBee It does sound like a situation you are better off staying completely away from. Don't be angry at him, that takes up your valuable headspace. Be indifferent, it's a happier place to be. 💐

Thank you. That’s true. For most of the past two years, we’ve been separated, and I doubt the next two will be any different. His divorce will take a long time to resolve, so he’ll continue to be unstable.

He sounds like an emotionally manipulative narcissist, and you are just his new supply.

You are better than this, you are better than him. Hold your head high and walk away. He will bring you only misery.