Does this sound extremely toxic and unhealthy to you?

[FenBee]

Sorry it's a bit long.

I’ve been dating a guy for two years. When we met, he was married but fully separated, though he hadn't initiated divorce yet. He shares a 5-year-old son with his ex, who lives in another country. Despite being separated, he continued paying the mortgage and some of the bills for their marital home and even renewed the mortgage term for another two years after attempting to sell the property, which his ex refused.

During our relationship, we’ve gone on several holidays together, and he has been nice overall. However, we’ve broken up four times so far, the most recent being in May. I feel like he takes advantage of these breakups - right after, he went to see his son and then on a lads’ holiday to Marbella, then to Tunisia with his family, and later his friends joined him there. He also took several other city breaks during that period with his friends. Before this recent breakup, we had been stable for about seven months. During that time, he deleted his Facebook and Instagram and even put a symbolic picture representing us as his WhatsApp profile photo - illustration of our eye colour.

One of my other concerns is how he reacted when his ex applied for child maintenance last year. He was really angry and, interestingly, posted our first official picture on Facebook just five minutes before picking up his son from her/their house after he had made the first payment. Three days later, when he was about to leave for a long business trip, we broke up, and he immediately removed the picture, replacing it with a sad breakup quote. We got back together a week later, only to break up again for four months. After getting back together and whilst on our makeup holiday, he finally filed for divorce and quit his well-paid cooperate job as he couldn't afford to pay child maintenance and the mortgage. He’s currently working as a delivery driver (cash in hand), but he says it’s only temporary until the financial settlement is finalised.

Now, he frequently changes his social media profile pictures, and he seems happy. I don't know how to feel about the whole situation. I know I'm silly for going back and forth. I wonder if he ever loved me..

For reference, I'm 31 and he 35.

Thank you so much. I appreciate the advice. I hope to reach that point soon so I can move on and have him out of my life and mind for good.

You are exactly like a yo-yo in his hand. He can throw you away, pull you back, throw you away, pull you back, throw you away, pull you back.... and you are just a toy to him.

You have to dump him and get your self respect back before dating again.

Tell him never to contact you again. Block him on every platform including your phone. Promise yourself you won’t see what he is up to, and make some fun plans for a couple of weeks. Keep conversations about him to a minimum.

He is a manipulative loser.

Are you that desperate for a man that you'll go with anyone? Have some self respect and block him.

Couldn't be doing with all this break up drama. Once I'd broken up with someone, if I got back together with them, the next break up would be the last.

You may feel attached to him, but as a mature adult you need to make decisions with your head. You can see he's a giant red flag. Block him and move on. Your heart will follow your head when you process your grief over what might have been and wasn't.

Like everyone else has said he is a horrible person and is wasting your time. Saying that he can’t afford child maintenance while going on all those holidays should make you realise what a fucking liar he is. You deserve more than this

What have I just read?

OP he is a grade one d*

Why on earth do you keep going back to this horror show?

During that time, he deleted his Facebook and Instagram and even put a symbolic picture representing us as his WhatsApp profile photo - illustration of our eye colour.

Are you teenagers?

This all sounds like hard work.

However, we’ve broken up four times

You’ve broken up 4 times in only 2 years!
That’s insane!

How many times are you going to break up until you realise that it obviously doesn’t work.

Breaking up once - try and fix it.
Breaking up twice - it just doesn’t work.

Find someone who you can actually build a life with, not one that acts like an irresponsible teenager.

He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t love his child. He is only capable of loving himself.

Goes on a string of break up holidays but can’t afford to feed his DC? What a knob.

When someone tells you who they are, you should believe them.

It's hard to hear, but his behaviour confirms this. I realise now that it was a mistake to get involved with someone who is indifferent about being present physically and financially in their young child's life.

If you keep breaking up and getting back together, then you aren't compatible. None of the issues that split you up in the first place, ever get resolved! They disappear for a time, and then come back. All this posting on social media and playing silly mind games, is ridiculous for a grown adult male. He's immature, it's behaviour I'd expect from a teenager! End the relationship for good, and find someone who's capable of actually having an adult relationship.

I was caught up in the whirlwind of it all. However, looking at it from an outside perspective, I see that I have huge self-esteem issues that I need to address.

As pp, it sounds like narcissism…love bombing at the start/when you get back together, sounds like you’re trauma bonded to him. You’re addicted to the lovely behaviour in the early days. That’s not real. The arsehole that treats you like crap and dumps you to go off abroad and have his fun, the guy who doesn’t see much of his kid or contribute? That’s the real him. Read up about it and breaking the trauma bond.
Keep him blocked. Change your number if you have to. You deserve so much better than this.

It's truly sad and pathetic that I believed this was a sign of commitment and love, especially since his ex could see the picture. He was even wearing a promise ring whenever he visited his child.

so so true!

Pick your self respect up of the floor and give your head a wobble!
You are there for the dull winter months
Summer is fun with friends and family, not you.
He also can't be bothered to see his child or pay for them.
How can anyone find any of this attractive?

You KNOW this isn’t how it’s supposed to be

I stopped reading at 'we've broken up four times so far'. Just call it a day, once and for all, stop wasting your time.

No one has mentioned that he gave up a well-paid job so that he didn't have to pay for his kid, and now avoids tax. The fact that you mentioned this tells me that you're not happy with this. So he would go to hospital or call the fire brigade if he had to but doesn't want to contribute to paying for them? Apologies if I've got this wrong. But anyway, you're the same age as my DD. Please don't waste your life with this no-hoper. You can find someone who values you. Xx

This! It's so embarrassing I don't know how it doesn't give you the ick, I'm cringing just reading about his social media activity

Thank you, everyone. Your advice has been really helpful. I needed this wake-up call. The whole situation feels cringeworthy and embarrassing. I realise now that I’ve wasted two years with him, and he might see me as just another 'mistake', as he said about his ex-wife. I need to focus on rebuilding my self-respect and self-esteem. It's going to be a long road.

Try to think of this an experience you’ll learn from. I like the phrase ‘I did the best I could with the information I had at the time’. I was boiling frog in a toxic relationship - I was with him 15 years and I had a child with him! Didn’t realise how awful it was until I left. I’ve learned, healed and grown since we split, I won’t make the same mistakes again but I chose not to see it as a waste of time because I’ve learned from it.