Miss my daughter so much

[Lauraadelesmum]

My daughter is living in Dubai with her husband and children. They moved there a few years ago and now have their own family.
I love her so much and miss her so much. She is a young woman of 30 and we were so so close. My husband, her dad took his own life when she was a little girl of 11 and her brother was 7 years old, I struggled very much as did we all and made mistakes when she was 16 meeting another man who wasn’t kind. She lived with her nanny and grandad, my lovely parents for a while and I deeply regret this, prior to this I was a very good mum and always always just wanted to be a good mum. But I think I was struggling to cope with things and this person influenced me which I shouldnt have allowed.
my daughter is now with a man 19 years older, who is wealthy and I liked him very much before. But have seen him behave poorly since and now my daughter has dis connected from me, my mum ( occasional message but rarely ) and her brother who she used to be so great with and loom out for.
Less and less and less contact from her. I still message and try to reach out every week but nothing back. A year ago I challenged why I couldn’t go and see her. Me and my mum have tried to see them when they are back in the UK but she doesn’t give us any time, I have asked if I can go to Dubai.
I know I did make mistakes for a while but prior to that and we have been close since and now her husband has got her in Dubai she is unreachable, I worry and cry and feel so sad every day, Please help me

What’s your relationship like with your son?

Please don't send that letter.

I worried too that your daughter may be in a controlling relationship and that he may be isolating her from you. Keep sending letters but keep them light. Don't make it all about you. Ask about her and the DGC. Go to Dubai.

Don't put pressure on her but be there if she needs you.

If I was the DD in this situation and I received a letter like this, it would just confirm to me that my mother just didn't get it and is just continuing to minimise.

Just a 'I'm sorry. I love you. Please can we talk?' Would be the most appropriate.

I think there are a lot of unkind posts on here. The OP made mistakes which she acknowledges but that doesn't mean she deserves this treatment or that her mother and son deserve to be cut off.

Don't send the letter whatever you do. I'm sure you hope that reading it will guilt her into contacting you but the reality is she will be shocked and furious. It will also be concrete evidence of your ongoing efforts to manipulate in attempts to try to force contact so will push her even further away.

Have you been encouraging her brother and nan to get in contact with you on your behalf? If so that's probably why she feels she needs to step back from her relationship with them as well. She feels she has no option to protect herself.

Best option is seek counselling for yourself and be extremely honest, don't try to minimise or downplay the past. Then ask the therapist after a few months what she believes the best course of action is to try and reach out. Don't do it alone.

I’m so sorry, I was best friends with my mum and moved abroad for about five years….she came over all the time. You must feel bereft. ❤️

OP I am sorry life is so painful for you.
Pinning the solution onto a good relationship with your daughter may not be the solution you are looking for and is unfair to her.

Have you had and counselling or therapy? In order to heal we must look inwards, face our fears and wounds.
That is hard to do alone, but a skilled therapist will be able to support you through a healing process. I gently suggest that this is the priority for you right now.
Therapy can be expensive, but there are low cost or no cost options around in many areas.
Although it may be hard to hear it is unfair to burden your daughter with your sorrow. She is not your friend - she is your daughter- and may have her own issues to deal with.

OP your daughter is not responsible for your happiness- that is your stuff to deal with.

Nobody on here knows how they would react to something so terrible.

Do you feel it is your daughter’s decision to go no contact or her husband’s?

It sounds like you miss her a lot but weren't there for her when she was a teenager and really, genuinely needed you. You also refer to her as 'your baby girl' - I'm sorry, but she's not. She's a grown woman with her own family. It sounds like you need to let go of the past, accept that she's an adult and treat her as one. Crying yourself to sleep every night is not a problem for her - she has her own children now. You need to seek some help for yourself and take responsibility for your own happiness and the choices you made. If she gets back in touch please try and see beyond your own feelings and respect her right to live her own life. Our children don't owe us a thing.

OP may well deserve this treatment. I don’t know. From her posts here she sounds pretty self-absorbed.

Rich men in their 40s who get with women in their 20s are often controlling hence they chose to get with a woman young enough to be their daughter. And before anyone goes on about wanting kids, they could have chosen to have kids earlier and there’s plenty of women older than 35 having kids so there’s no need to go that young.

So yeah it’s not a surprise if he is and with your daughters background of not having consistent and reliable father figures, it’s equally not surprising she could end up with a man like this who she may see as a father figure.

That said it’s possible he’s actually not controlling, or even if he is the daughter is still the one who has chosen to cut off all her family. It could be that she feels OP uses them to relay messages and keep tabs on her. Her daughter may see them as “flying monkeys” and has cut them all for her mental health since they are close to the person she may feel has failed her badly.

@Lauraadelesmum if you say anything to your daughter just acknowledge you messed up, you failed her and that you can’t imagine the impact your mistakes had on her formative years - especially after the death of her father.

And say you’re sorry and you’re there for her when she’s ready to talk and then respect her wishes.

Don’t say anything which may be construed as making excuses, blaming her or centring yourself. A friend of mine lost her husband to suicide, she is obviously grieving too but what we’ve found is good for the kids is just to let them have space to talk about the loss of their father without having to listen to their mother or Aunty etc talk about losing a husband, brother etc . That’s not to say others can never share their own grief but it’s just to say kids need their space to focus on their unique loss.

You can't really compare a grown woman losing her husband to a young child losing their father and say which one had it worse. They aren't comparable.

I also never said op shouldn't have let a man into her life, but when there was a clear choice to be made - her child or her new man - op chose the new man.

It's not judgemental to say that kids come first, it's how it should be.

I have thought about going NC with my mum. The main thing I would love to hear from her is that she’s sorry and acknowledges the mistakes she’s made. Rather than blaming it on x,y,z. Just saying sorry, I was wrong for this situation I should have tried harder without adding in a long reason why to try explain or belittle her behaviour.

When you say you were close, was that when she was little? Did you ever get your relationship back after she was 16 and living with grandparents?

If you wrote anything, just say you know you made bad choices and you’re sorry (no excuses or justifications.)

If she’s stepped away from her granny and her brother, it sounds more like the new husband is the problem rather than a difficult relationship with her mum.

To be honest, I’d have been concerned for her from the start for choosing to live in an awful country like Dubai, especially if she has a daughter.

Parents aren’t perfect, and I think sometimes the adult DC who punish older parents for not making the choices they think they should have done when they were younger are often rather self centred. (Not excusing actual abuse here)
Similar to those women on here who think that grandparents only exist to provide free childcare and they’ll withdraw visits if they don’t get that.

A single mum with kids will often struggle especially if she’s on a low income and with no family nearby and you can easily understand why she might welcome a new partner into their lives if he feels like a saviour.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but no-one has a crystal ball, do they?

Also agree you've had some shitty responses here. Whether she's raging with you or being controlled the answer is the same. Get yourself therapy so you feel better and you can respond well to her if she does turn around (which she probably will) and gentle communication that is open and doesn't reference the difficulties. Short cards. Small and regular tokens for the kids. Keeping the door open without expectation. The big I'm sorry, I agree with you, it wasn't good enough, I'm so sorry for the impact my crap decisions it had on you...can wait till she's ready. You'll be lucky if anyone ever wants to hear or recognises the impact on you- that's what your therapist is for. Definitely get one. Good luck.

I am nc with my dm. She sent Woe Is Me letters and I binned them unread... Concentrate on your own mh op.

I think you are getting a bit of a bad rap on here TBH. Many people (inc mums) make mistakes ,your DH ended his life, and you were in a very bad place .You were looking for love and like many looked in the wrong place. Your daughter has been very hurt in the past though, and she may need time to recover ,I think maybe just sit tight and wait ,if you push her it may backfire on you .Send presents or cards and she may come round .You cant force the issue though

Send presents or cards and she may come round

If I were in the daughter’s position, I think this is the last thing I’d want - it comes across as just as guilt-tripping as a letter could be. You can’t buy someone’s affection or repair a damaged relationship with material things, you have to be prepared to put in the work and really reflect on your behaviour. That would be far more meaningful than any number of presents or cards, to me anyway.

I don't think putting her name (inc. presumably, her middle name?) on the internet is helpful, including the fact that she's moved to Dubai. There almost certainly will be someone who reads this and recognises who you mean. They now all about her difficult childhood!

Absolutely 💯 % agree ! I have no contact because I know my parents were shit parents and I don’t realise until I was a parent ! X

For all the posters writing it could be that the husband is controlling, strange that the daughter has cut herself off from everyone. I am in this situation as a daughter, cut off my whole family because of my parents. The reason everyone else got cut out too is nothing to do with my DH, but rather that the rest of the family try to 'fix' the situation, i.e. guilt trip you into contact, rather than just focusing on their own relationship with me. I'm nor saying the husband isn't controlling just trying to give another perspective.

My parents never have and still can't accept responsibility for their own behaviours and their impact on me and my children, its all me apparently and they too blame my DH, say he is controlling and keeping us away from them. Couldn't be further from the truth.

I say OP kindly, take complete ownership of the choices you made with your daughter, without deflecting, and apologise. It may go a long way to building a bridge.

And yes when we have children we do assess our own parents choices and we may judge their actions unfavourably.

Good luck OP.

I say OP kindly, take complete ownership of the choices you made with your daughter, without deflecting, and apologise. It may go a long way to building a bridge.

💯

I acknowledged that the op's daughter may be in a controlling / coercive relationship because moving abroad with a husband, who might have a dark side, and then cutting off contact with family are classic signs / red flags which shouldn't be ignored.

This isn't to negate that it may be the daughters decision because of her history with the op, but for the daughter's sake, it's worth keeping in mind.

And to those saying the op sounded self-absorbed, well we all do when we're pouring out our hurt. The important things are that she's pouring them out here & that crucially, she acknowledged her failings and mistakes. I can understand if she finds it too hard to engage further at this point and its possible to feel compassion for someone while recognising that the situation may be a consequence of past actions.

Hopefully op is still reading, and taking on board advice as to how to heal the breach. She knows, I think, it may not be possible but she has a right to see if she can.

@Lauraadelesmum take care of yourself, please

Agree that sometimes a DH who helps set boundaries with a difficult family can be portrayed as controlling. When in fact it's the blood family that doesn't like the new boundaries.

It's easy to say how someone should behave, when you haven't experienced what they have.

When I was nursing my husband through his terminal illness, and in the early months after his death, I thought I was coping really well and ,making the best decisions that I could. But I wasn't. And it took a year or two for me to realise that some of the decisions that I'd made (particularly around what I told my children, and when, and how I managed their worries) were poor. My head had felt calm at the time, but my thought processes were clearly all over the place, despite me having the best of intentions. It's unrealistic to expect great (or even adequate) decision making from someone in traumatic grief.