Miss my daughter so much

[Lauraadelesmum]

My daughter is living in Dubai with her husband and children. They moved there a few years ago and now have their own family.
I love her so much and miss her so much. She is a young woman of 30 and we were so so close. My husband, her dad took his own life when she was a little girl of 11 and her brother was 7 years old, I struggled very much as did we all and made mistakes when she was 16 meeting another man who wasn’t kind. She lived with her nanny and grandad, my lovely parents for a while and I deeply regret this, prior to this I was a very good mum and always always just wanted to be a good mum. But I think I was struggling to cope with things and this person influenced me which I shouldnt have allowed.
my daughter is now with a man 19 years older, who is wealthy and I liked him very much before. But have seen him behave poorly since and now my daughter has dis connected from me, my mum ( occasional message but rarely ) and her brother who she used to be so great with and loom out for.
Less and less and less contact from her. I still message and try to reach out every week but nothing back. A year ago I challenged why I couldn’t go and see her. Me and my mum have tried to see them when they are back in the UK but she doesn’t give us any time, I have asked if I can go to Dubai.
I know I did make mistakes for a while but prior to that and we have been close since and now her husband has got her in Dubai she is unreachable, I worry and cry and feel so sad every day, Please help me

Oh this is so sad, I'm sorry op. Have you tried writing her a letter expressing your regret, owning your mistakes and telling her how much you miss her?

I am estranged from ds 32..it is difficult op. Haven't seen him since Christmas 8 years ago. Try not to blame yourself.

Thank you so much for your reply, I have messaged this and written her a long letter but didn’t post because I didn’t want to remind her about her dads suicide and how sad we were but tried to make things normal for her and her brother and make her feel sad all over again because she was a new mum. I have sent cards and things. I still have the letter. I think I should post it now, I know I made mistakes and take full responsibility and regret it deeply. I don’t think laura could know I cry most nights when I’m in bed. I met a nice husband 5 years ago and Laura liked him because he’s kind but still miss my baby girl so much

Her dad died, and then 5 years later you chose a new man over her and she moved out to live elsewhere.

I'm sure you are sad about it now you've seen how things panned out, like she was sad when her Mum decided a new man was more important than her.

I guess we reap what we sow.

In all honesty my mother would come on here, paint a picture like you have and expect sympathy too, saying her monumental fuck ups and bad choices were just a little blip as well. It's a fairly common tactic.

You won't have a relationship with your daughter until you acknowledge exactly how shitty your actions were when she was a young bereaved teen and understand and apologise sincerely for the choices you made without making excuses.

Also if she has children this could be impacting her. Lots of people don't actually realise how fucked up their parents choices were until they become parent themselves, so there's that to consider too.

Sorry op, I know you're hurting, but, unfortunately, this one is on you. It can be fixed with a lot of work on your part though.

Please don't post that letter. It's obviously hard for us to tell because we don't have the full text but if it has references to her father's suicide, how hard you tried and how sad everyone was then it sounds quite guilt tripping.
I'd focus on yourself to be honest - therapy could help you greatly.

I can see why she doesn't have much contact with you (sorry, sounds like I'm sticking in the knife in but I'm not trying to) but it's odd she doesn't have contact with her brother or grandma as they've done nothing wrong. Maybe her husband is controlling?

That's a good point & I should have picked up on this properly as I also thought 'controlling'.

If it is the case that her husband has deliberately isolated her then any approach to her will need be made very carefully...keeping it light & unthreatening (to the husband), ensuring she knows you're there if/when she needs you

Op have you ever voice or implied concerns or criticism about your son in law?

@FatmanandKnobbin felt every word of that deeply x

I struggled very much as did we all

This phrase really leapt out at me. She was 11. You were the adult.

I struggled very much as did we all and made mistakes when she was 16 meeting another man who wasn’t kind. She lived with her nanny and grandad, my lovely parents for a while and I deeply regret this

This reads that you prioritised a man over your daughter, and when she objected she was sent away. If this is correct, it makes sense that, on becoming a mother herself, she realised the horror of how someone could do this to their child. So, while it makes sense she stepped back from you at that point, it doesn’t make sense that she has also stepped back from her grandparents and brother unless she thinks that by being in contact with them it will also be you by proxy, but that’s quite extreme.

I can hear the sadness in your post and sorry you are going through this.

If she is ignoring you it could be because she's upset with you, but I find it strange how she has chosen to cut contact with her brother and nan (who she lived with) this would lead me to think is she in a difficult relationship in a foreign country and worried about the consequences if she reaches out to report it. Is her husband British and has moved there for work? Or is he from Dubai?
Do you have any relatives that can reach out to her, aunt or cousins or her friends? Just for general chat to find out how she is feeling? Sometimes we have a trail of thought and assume we know why someone is acting a certain way, but this could be something completely unrelated to her childhood and more to do with her struggling to tell you about what's going on in her life.

Good luck and I hope you are able to rebuild a relationship again

I think you're minimising the effect of your marriage to a "wasn't kind" man upon your daughter who lost her father to suicide at 11 and was so unhappy in the home - that should have been her safe space - that she moved out.

Your sadness is tangible, but what about hers?

Please do not send the letter you have written. It's not about assuaging your own guilt, but authentically acknowledging your own mistakes and letting her know you are open to hearing what she has to say about her teenage years if and when she is ready.

Wow!! So a woman who has lost her husband in tragic circumstances (and no matter how sad that was for his children I'm sure it was worse for his wife) is supposed to devote the rest of her youth to her children and never let a man darken the door until they grown up? I'm sure OP didn't realise this man was unkind when she met him - look at all the posts on here from men who are absolute shits, obviously their partners thought they were worth taking up with in the first place. I know of several women with children who remarried after their husband's early death and it worked out well.

I have never met such judgemental women as there are on MN. If it's not "all men are rubbish" then it's "all mothers are rubbish".

When I had a DD it really dawned on me how utterly awful my mother was, I cried bitter tears over it as I just couldn’t understand how she behaved towards me whilst claiming she did infact love me after I had my own. I went NC shortly after.

Parents can inflict a lot of damage on their children, the impact of your actions would have affected her deeply and if she is in a controlling relationship you may well have set her up for it by battering her self esteem.

It’s not that I won’t forgive my mum, it just dawned on me how little she cares and over the years I just stopped caring too. It doesn’t really bother me anymore in the respect that I haven’t seen her or spoken to her for years. I actually think we are probably both happier for it.

Her daughter had to go live with her grandparents, she literally chose a man over an child, her DD was not an adult she was a child who had to leave her home and OP isn’t very clear on whether she was chucked out or wanted to leave.

Is there a possibility that the estrangement is less to do with the mistakes you made when your DD was 16 and more to do with her much older husband’s control of her ?

Do you have her address in Dubai ?
If so, I would talk to your mum about booking a short holiday there for the sole purpose of being able to see her - meet with her to see how she is. If she seems genuinely happy with her marriage and life then maybe that will give you some peace, even though you miss her.
If it turns out that she is unhappy then at least you can both assure her of your unwavering love and support and in time, with the help of her embassy, she may be able to get herself and her dc back home.

I went thru a similar thing my daughter was ten. Therapy has helped us both so much. Talk to some one it will help. One thing I have learned is to say I wasn't the mom you needed when it happened. I let you down. I'm sorry.

Nobody is saying that parents can't enter new relationships so stop with the strawman comparisons. It is more complicated when you have children who depend on you though and absolutely your priority is providing a safe and happy household for them

I think a reasonable expectation is that you guage what type of a man he is before you even introduce him to your young children never mind move him into their safe space. Sure some things might only come to light once partner and children are introduced but you have a responsibility to get rid of him way before it gets to the point of shipping your child off to be cared for by their grandparents. Even if you think that the child is at fault or unreasonable your commitment lies with them and not the grown adult who you've chosen to invade their home. OP could (and IMO should) have chosen to tell her new partner (a grown adult) to leave the family home when it wasn't working with her child who literally depends on her to keep her safe.

Having a safe place to call home is a very basic requirement of any childhood. I don't think OP's dd is unreasonable to expect it especially after she is presumably very traumatised by the tragic loss of her dad. No way to be sure but OP's post reaks of a mother who's seriously minimalising what has gone on as well. Children don't tend to be relinquised to their grandparents for nothing

OP, if you want the best chance of reconnecting with your dd then the only thing you can do is stop wallowing in self-pity, listen to dd if she's willing to talk and admit fully the choices you made that were damaging for her. It is worrying that she also seems to have cut ties with other relatives as it could suggest a controlling relationship. However, even if this is the case it sounds like she has her own very valid reasons for keeping her distance and the only way you're going to be of any use to her is to concentrate on repairing these issues with her in mind not your own self-pity

Wow!! So a woman who has lost her husband in tragic circumstances (and no matter how sad that was for his children I'm sure it was worse for his wife) is supposed to devote the rest of her youth to her children and never let a man darken the door until they grown up?

In a nutshell Yes

It’s about priorities. If you have children living at home then there opinions matter. This is the responsibility that comes with being a parent. If one child objects then their opinion overrides the parents choice. It is after all the child’s home.

I think it's fine to send the letter but don't include references to the past as this could be upsetting. Focus on the future. Tell her you love her and miss her and would like to see her more and have more contact through the phone. Could you FaceTime the grandchildren and build a relationship with them ? Write it all down but don't make it all about your feelings just that you wiould love to build up your relationship with them all. Good luck.

You could try counselling for yourself - how was your childhood? If it wasn’t good it possibly influenced the bad decisions you made -understanding more could help you forgive yourself.

I would get into counselling for six months and only after that would I think about writing a letter.

@Lauraadelesmum Keep hold of that letter just for now, and start with a fresh one. I totally and completely understand how all these things have been eating away at you for years and years and years, how there's so very many things you want to tell her, and how it hurts like the depth of hell not being able to do that. I genuinely do understand.

It's a fcuking rough situation for everyone involved and there's no easy fix sadly. You're not going to like what I say now, but I promise you it will help you eventually.. If you want meaningful contact, to be a part of her life, you've got to accept that at least for now your feelings mean absolutely nothing, they're worthless, and you need to shut up about them.

Not because you're in the wrong, or you don't matter, or because I'm trying to make you feel bad, anything like that - just because you're her parent. Makes no odds if we're mum or dad, sometimes we've just got to take it on the chin and be grateful for the chance to do so. Imagine your baby's having a really bad fcuking day, everything's gone to shit, she's in trouble at work, crown prince Abdab's giving her grief - then she opens up the really long full on letter from you talking about all kinds of traumatic things from her childhood - it's not gonna help her, she won't read it, and she'll probably get upset and angry, throw it in the bin, it'll convince her she's doing the right thing not talking to you.

Try writing a short, light-hearted, positive little note and go from there. Go at it like you would if you were trying to chat someone up down the pub, make it short, maybe funny, be certain to mention something personal you've noticed about her (do you still like x food, is it good there? what's the tv like, do you still watch x program?). Be sure to leave as casual, easy to answer, open ended question about something she might like to talk about. DO NOT say anything heavy, controversial, or that'll make her feel guilty, or that implies you're upset with her, nothing that'll make her feel pressured or obliged to respond. Make it fun and engaging, something she'll want to respond to.

Hope this helps :)

OP do you hope that your DD will see this thread? The details in the message and your username are very outing.

Your daughter has been traumatised by her childhood. She likely sees her relationship with you and family very differently to how you describe. You might miss her but she might need complete distance for her own MH. As long as she’s safe in Dubai, try to respect her implied wishes.

Please don't send the letter. She made it clear by going NC with you that she is not interested in having relationship with you.

I understand how upset you are, but you abandoned her to be with another man a few years after her dad committed suicide.

You can't force her to want to have you in her life.