Rude relative

[Rasputin123]

I have name changed for this. Today I was visiting my DM (hadn’t been there long, I had checked she was free and if it was ok to visit before going). Rude relative (RR) arrives unannounced. They come in and say its only me. I greet them and say hello X how are you? I was totally blanked. This isn’t the first time they have done this so openly. I usually let them off with this. But today I called them out on it and said are you not speaking to me or something X just I said hello to you and you ignored me. They sat down (totally ignored me, turned their back to
me and began a full on conversation to my DM and my DBRO) and behaved like I hadn’t said anything and I wasn’t there. DM and DBRO seemed oblivious and were all over them (I felt like a spare part and totally surplus to requirements). We were having a three way conversation before RR arrived. RR was so full on talking to DM and DBRO about a situation and people I knew nothing about (RR wasn’t upset this is just what they are like, and how they behave likes to to hold court and be the centre of attention most important person in the room etc) and barely pausing for breathe. So I couldn't get a word in.

I haven’t seen this relative for a few months. They are younger than me and they have form for rude behaviour towards me. DM and DBRO didn’t appear to notice. I waited a few minutes then made my excuses and left. I said bye to everyone RR didn’t even acknowledge that I was going or say bye. DM texted me afterwards saying it was nice to see me and that I didn’t have to go just because X came in and that X had spoken to everyone when she came in. I didn’t bother defending my position or saying about RR’s behaviour as they have made their position clear in the past.

What would you do DM always defends RR and because of RR’s shit stirring my relationship with DM has become strained and difficult.

I didn’t bother defending my position or saying about RR’s behaviour as they have made their position clear in the past.

You have answered your own question. If you CBA to defend yourself, you just have to put up with it.

Its not that I can’t be bothered I have tried many many times in the past and each time I say anything at all or explain how I feel calmly and rationally. Each time without fail my DM takes RR’s side and it causes bad feeling. I called RR out on it today thinking they wouldn’t fail to notice and still they did ignored me. RR can do no wrong in DM’s eyes.

DM texted me afterwards saying it was nice to see me and that I didn’t have to go just because X came in and that X had spoken to everyone when she came in

She knows. She doesn’t want the confrontation.

@HeddaGarbled totally agree. My DM spent a lot of time with RR when younger when they came along I felt my place in the family was taken by them although they aren’t my DM’s child or step child they are related.

RR plays on this. Over the years this has wound me up and later when I visited with my children RR was almost always there. They seemed to take it in turns preferring one of my DC over the other leaving them out and playing games until my other child was in tears then they switched to preferring the other child and repeating the same pattern of behaviour DM always denied it, made excuses and when all else failed said that wasn’t really what happened or I was imagining it or blamed my DC who were much younger than RR. RR could never do any wrong doing.

I have gone LC with DM and by staying away I am playing into RR’s hands. I visit from time to time as DM is elderly and I don’t want a guilty conscience but I can’t understand how DM is so blinkered and blind sided by RR. How would you handle RR’s rude relative if you meet at DM’s again in the future? I always wish I had done something differently but whatever I do RR is the chosen one and I appear in the wrong.

We had this exact problem... Safe to say we are NC with RR and practically NC with MIL because of the constant "oh I didn't see/hear that" "oh it's just the way he is" and the defending him ALL THE TIME. Final straw was when he blamed me for my DD being autistic! Huge family kick off when MIL "I'm not getting involved"... Then suddenly decided to get involved when we refused to engage with RR any longer 🤣 Double standards but then he is golden balls.

Suggest dm meets you elsewhere.. RR def won't turn up then..

@travelmadmum23 that sounds exactly like my DM excuses over the years when I have spoken out. I didn’t realise, well I didn’t know, I knew something was bothering you, I knew you were jealous or a classic RR knows you don’t like them.

Never ever does she admit I am right, I am
not imagining it, RR is playing games, is rude, is a troublemaker etc.

@Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun that would be ideal except DM is elderly and has never learned to drive. I often go for DM and take her out but today she didn’t want to go out.

Its a blooming thankless task being my DM’s daughter. She has made her priorities and loyalties perfectly clear.

Sounds awful OP. Do you think she's also after your DM's money?

They possibly are. They have totally put the Kibosh on my relationship with my DM but equally my DM obviously can’t see through the manipulation and plays along with it, feeding into the narrative and painting me as ‘the difficult one’. My relationship with DM is hanging by a thread.

I think if DM genuinely loved or cared about me at all it would not be so difficult for me to have any meaningful contact and have a relationship with her. As a mum myself I could never imagine treating and behaving towards one of my adult DC like my DM has even if they had committed the worst crimes imaginable. All I have tried to do is lead a good life, more recently I have decided to try and put myself and my family first accepting that however much I visit or whatever I do it will never be good enough and will always come under scrutiny and criticism from DM. RR has totally put the boot in where I am concerned but DM is also to blame (as I don’t think anyone could be that gullible, naive, biased and uncaring).

How do I reply to this text? I don’t to ignore it but I don’t want to get dragged into any drama. DM knows she is in the wrong but will never admit it.

‘Hi X, hope you’ve had a good day at work have I done something to upset you I could feel a tense atmosphere when you came to see me yesterday xxx’

Its like going over old ground over and over again now and I know full well from many past experiences their is little or no point saying anything whatsoever to try and improve our relationship or to get things out in the open as anything I do say will be denied, excused, didn’t realised and used against me etc etc etc. I will be accused of being bitter, jealous, unfair or misunderstanding or it will explained away to RR and DM’s advantage.

Shall I nothing, say I am fine, ask what makes you say that, I thought their has been an atmosphere tension for sometime, say I was wondering the same and wondering why I have been dropped like a hot potato and no longer feel welcome by my DM in my family home and why you don’t answer the phone to mr if RR there or on way. Just incase RR visits or if RR there.

Say: Thanks for noticing. I was absolutely fine until RR came in and completely ignored me. I find that incredibly rude and I have to say I wish you and my brother would back me up. You know I've always been good to you both and it hurts that you tolerate her blanking me in your own home. Whenever this happens I leave your house wishing I hadn't gone.

She's asking, so tell her!

Poor you, I feel ill reading your post. Your mother knows damn well what is going on and by the sounds of it has repeatedly thrown you under the bus.

I don't believe both of them didn't hear you address RR twice, your bro and mother are choosing to see what they want to see.

I really feel for you as have a similar but different difficult family dynamic. All I can say is I am probably older than you at 52 is it will never change. Your m isn't suddenly going to admit the games she is playing with RR and throwing you under the bus.

It isn't fair, none of it is. You try to be a good and decent person and expect to be treated similarly.

All you can do is up your boundaries and withdraw or face the next ten years of your mum treating you badly and favouring RR. It is really shit, I'd recommend the stately homes thread under relationships.

Thinking of you it is just a vile situation and if it continues it will make you ill. Good luck x

@MounjaroUser thanks you would think I would be able to but after years and years of this and falling for just be honest and say what is bothering you, lets get it out in the open etc one to many times. I am wary as it is never what it seems and the outcome always ends up making things worse ends either in an argument (as she denies, twists and or misinterprets what I have said) and or if all else fails she turns on the tears and the I don’t need this I am an old woman, I have high blood pressure etc or makes nasty comments.

Thanks @Lexy70 I am slightly older than you and my DM is early 80’s. So the you’ll be sorry when I am gone, when I’m dead etc guilt trip comments have gone on for years.

I would like to give DM something to think about without saying too much and giving her any ammunition to twist, misinterpret and use against me etc (as has happened in the past every single time).

I have looked at the stately homes thread and posted on it before but too much traffic and too many regular posters so my post just got lost.

Sorry for making that assumption, my awful m is mid 80s too. I think whatever you reply she will twist and interpret as she wants and make you the bad one again.

Have you ever had an honest talk with RR or is that futile x

Or try @MounjaroUser reply word for word and see how she replies x

I think this is pretty good - straight and to the point. I'd send it but not get drawn into any arguments. Stick to your guns.

Thanks @MounjaroUser and @Lexy70 thats not strictly true as our relationship has been on the rocks for awhile partly due to RR and DM playing favourites. Although my visit was going ok until RR turned up. But DM wouldn’t hear a bad word said about RR so pointless. I would get well I can’t expect RR nit to visit just because your visiting or thats just the way RR is, its what they do they just always come in and make themselves welcome or possibly well its because they know you don’t like them.

I have never had a cross word with RR although in the past I have asked DM why RR was always there and if it was possible to see her on her own with my DC (when they were little) but I have never said anything to them. So if they have that impression it has came from DM.

And @Teenagequeenwithaloadedgun unfortunately it’s not all true see my reply above.

Recently, I have withdrawn from the relationship more as it wasn’t doing me any good. I felt so hurt and pushed out I stepped back and reduced contact. I hoped DM would notice but unfortunately she didn’t. RR’s feelings, needs and happiness trumps me and mine every single time.

@Rasputin123 Is RR a younger cousin?? I would seriously consider telling RR to fuck of back to her own family and leave yours alone!!

If your DM and DBRO both say RR acknowledged you is it possible they did and you just didn't realise?
You seem to not like this person at all and that can sometimes lead to a blinkered view of things.
I'm going to take a guess that RR is your younger sibling, and you resent them for the time they spend with your DM.

Weird situation

Just leave next time RR arrives

RR?

Rude relative? Not on the acronym list @mumsnet 😉