Rude relative

[Rasputin123]

I have name changed for this. Today I was visiting my DM (hadn’t been there long, I had checked she was free and if it was ok to visit before going). Rude relative (RR) arrives unannounced. They come in and say its only me. I greet them and say hello X how are you? I was totally blanked. This isn’t the first time they have done this so openly. I usually let them off with this. But today I called them out on it and said are you not speaking to me or something X just I said hello to you and you ignored me. They sat down (totally ignored me, turned their back to
me and began a full on conversation to my DM and my DBRO) and behaved like I hadn’t said anything and I wasn’t there. DM and DBRO seemed oblivious and were all over them (I felt like a spare part and totally surplus to requirements). We were having a three way conversation before RR arrived. RR was so full on talking to DM and DBRO about a situation and people I knew nothing about (RR wasn’t upset this is just what they are like, and how they behave likes to to hold court and be the centre of attention most important person in the room etc) and barely pausing for breathe. So I couldn't get a word in.

I haven’t seen this relative for a few months. They are younger than me and they have form for rude behaviour towards me. DM and DBRO didn’t appear to notice. I waited a few minutes then made my excuses and left. I said bye to everyone RR didn’t even acknowledge that I was going or say bye. DM texted me afterwards saying it was nice to see me and that I didn’t have to go just because X came in and that X had spoken to everyone when she came in. I didn’t bother defending my position or saying about RR’s behaviour as they have made their position clear in the past.

What would you do DM always defends RR and because of RR’s shit stirring my relationship with DM has become strained and difficult.

Is this a cousin, as it does read like a jealousy thing, I can see why they think that. Does your brother get on with them?

This is really awful op. I am so sorry reading that.

I think I would have replied to your dm,
”RR literally turned their back on me. I find it incomprehensible that you failed to notice”

I don’t know how you do tackle this really op when your dm and your dbro refuse or deliberately refuse to see the issue and have in a sense made their choice. You can’t battle all three of them.

Your dm may feel that her loyalties are torn in some way or she may have made a promise to some long dead relative to look after RR, or there’s something happened in the past that justifies this behaviour in her own mind. I’m not defending her behaviour btw, I can understand why you feel so let down by her and hurt by the exclusion,

The only thing I can suggest is getting your dm alone, on neutral territory and explaining very calmly how you feel and very gently seeking an explanation. Approach it from a “trying to understand” pov rather than a blame pov so she doesn’t get defensive, even though you may be justifiably fuming inside!

@SotiredIcanttthinkstraight thank you. I have tried many ways over the last 30 or so years. DM’s position/way of thinking is absolutely non negotiable and totally justified in her eyes her DF was like this. I have tried speaking to her face to face (many, many times over the years), over the phone, by text and I have even wrote letters. It usually starts off nicely and I think she will listen and take on board some of how I feel what I have said and we can begin to resolve things and slowly start to build bridges. She kind of has a way of luring me in and lulling me into a false sense of security. Then she denies or dismisses what I am saying or somehow turns it round to somehow being my fault. For either, being too sensitive, she didn’t know what was happening or realise how I felt, or a favourite she knew something was bothering me. If the conversation isn’t going her way she turns on the waterworks.

I don’t want to give too much info away to identify the situation even more.

DM thinks she should sit in her house and everyone should visit her (this is understandable now as she is elderly, never learned to drive, but DB can easily give her a lift to RR’s) but she has always been of this mindset even when DF was around and could drive.

Similarly, I used to phone her quite regularly but if I don’t phone her she would go weeks without contacting me. Then would sometimes make a very quick rushed phone call (can’t get off the phone fast enough) saying she was just checking that we were ok as she hasn’t heard from me for a while (often the reason I haven’t phoned is because we have had words or she has upset me greatly, but this is just brushed under the carpet.

Things are so bad and as a mother I can’t understand how a mother can treat her own daughter so badly and in such a way to make her feel so unloved. I have questioned whether I was adopted or whether she was raped or whether my DF wasn’t my DF or whether she is somehow jealous.

I am way down the pecking order with DM after my siblings, RR and I am probably after RR’s dogs and partner I am not joming about this.

@Rasputin123 where are RR's parents in this? does she speak to them?? to be honest, I would just go no contact with your mother. she is a hopeless parents who is not considering her own child at all! as for expecting everyone to visit her, my mother was like that too! waiting expectantly like the queen!! i went no contact after too much interference from the golden child, her eldest daughter!

Thanks @allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld in our family I am the eldest.

RR - gets on well with mother now but this wasn’t always case. RR’s DM works FT and has a time consuming hobby so is less available than my DM.

This made me laugh. My DM demanded that everyone come to her because that's how it is "everyone comes to the grandmother". Regal entitlement. Funnily enough that didn't occur with her own mother, she totally ignored her.

Now all three of my mother's children are NC with her and no one comes to the grandmother!

This. Invite your mum to your house or meet in a cafe, park etc..
I’d be tempted to give RR some of their own treatment. Invite to yours with 2 of your friends . You all blank her, have conversations about people she doesn’t know, places she’s never been. Then after 30 minutes say been nice to see you RR I’ll see you out. But then I’m a bitch and RR sounds like my mother reincarnated.

@Allthehorsesintheworld yes so am I and that would be funny.

I have never invited RR anywhere and I would doubt they would come if I did. The last time I met up with some family in a cafe’ RR was extremely and unusually quiet. My DM seemed obsessed with asking if they were ok and why they were so quiet and not themselves today. I heard RR say quietly its just not the same when Rasputin is there.

As RR is so full of themselves and thinks the world resolves around them they are often holding court it is lucky for anyone else to hardly get a word in. DM and DB aren’t natural conversationalists so they don’t mind RR and find them entertaining.

Just be straightforward and tell your DM you will only see her when RR isn't there. Keep repeating that even if your DM argues. Just tell her it's her choice and that's just the way it is. If RR turns up, leave. No need to get into any discussion about why (your DM probably already knows why).

While blood is thicker than water etc, family members often feel they have the right to behave exactly how they want and you just have to take it. Be firm and set the boundaries that work for you. If your DM is kind to you, be kind back. If not, don't see her until she is.

@Rasputin123 How old is RR???? does she have a hubby or kids or even any friends???

I would just reply to the text saying ‘you know exactly what’s wrong’ and leave it at that.
i would then visit, more frequently if you can, and kill her with kindness. Be super polite, inquisitive, ask her questions about her day, compliment her. It will be super hard to ride above it, but smile to yourself in the knowledge you’re not playing her game now, she’s playing yours. Show your family that it’s not you that’s the issue. She’s trying to push you out and she’s winning. With an elderly relative time is short and precious. Seize it while you can.

With an elderly relative time is short and precious.

It's not precious if your elderly relative is behaving like this!

@Dandylion3600 you are right they are pushing me out (RR), my DM and DBRO
are aware of it and they are playing dumb and going along with it. I have basically rolled over now.

I have just had some very upsetting news today so I don’t have the headspace to play games. If they are to dumb to care and not realise how their actions and words have made me feel and how it has hurt me then they can all crack on with RR.

I already feel totally pushed out and not part of my birth family and don’t have the energy to fight anymore. Its very sad and not what i wanted but its how it is.

It is very painful OP when your own family cannot show you any love or support. I know exactly how it feels. The best thing is to avoid all of them as much as possible. But we have feelings and love them in spite of their awfulness, don't we? And each time we get together it is like a vaccine- a booster shot of who they really are.
So if avoiding them is not possible try to do the grey rock thing. See and say as little as you can. Do not let them get under your skin. Ignore. Remain calm. Ignore. Walk away when it is too much. Believe it or not this kind of people thrive on making you feel badly. Amazing but true. Don't let them!

Heard the story of the scorpion and frog who want to cross the river? Google it. Then commit it to memory as a reminder to you.
Best of luck.

Is RR your niece? Although this sounds quite upsetting from your perspective could there be a reason she behaves this way? I can't help but notice about the comment regarding the younger days playing with, is it your daughter's? If you don't mind the ask how old was she when this occurred? Could it be you got the wrong end of the stick? Or acted a way that could have upset RR and she maybe wasn't deliberately leaving one out on purpose?
Obviously only you would know how she has made you feel, how are your children with her now?! It just seems strange that it's only you RR has a problem with? I'm not saying it is you btw, just trying to figure out why you are her issue, because if it were an inheritance thing or other things that have been suggested surely it would be your brother in her firing line too? Anyway hope you manage to work out the issues, try not to let things you can't change bother you

Your mum will never change, I think you need to either accept her behaviour or stop seeing her. If you expect her to change you will only keep having arguments and disappointment. Sorry your relationship is like this. Family can be so difficult.

I’ve given up trying to have a rational conversation with my mother. If I bring my kids to hang out with her, it always has to be her way otherwise we will have massive arguments so I just accept that I will have to let her do what she wants with my daughters or not see her at all, otherwise the whole experience is awful and not worth the stress. I figure if it’s just once or twice a week, then it’s not too bad.

She still complains about me all the time though!

Through it all, I realise that we’re all a product of our upbringing. I think her parents were not particularly caring towards her since she is 1 of 8 children and she always brings up that her mother was so cold to her growing up. I guess we all just manage the best we can. If seeing her gets you down, maybe best to just limit contact or don’t let her get you riled up. I guess you care less about the rude relative than your mother’s reaction or lack thereof to her behaviour.

Sounds like RR is jealous of your position in the family and would like to replace you - I'd be making sure RR hasn't wheedled their way in to your mother's will @Rasputin123

I'd love to say "pay it no mind, ignore them all and get on with your life", but it's rarely as easy as that and I understand why you are hurt and frustrated

You could try killing RR with kindness

It sounds like misplaced loyalties by your DM. She has to work for RR's respect, doesn't feel she has to for you because she's got you chasing her.

My DM has done some evil s*t towards her own children but demands absolute loyalty. She's spent a lifetime kissing a*e to her awful sister and sidekick niece who have regularly periodically cut her off for years. Still chases after them.

Seems like a common dysfunction - those who chase and those that are chased.

Thanks all. As regards the will I haven’t a clue and yes the unfairness of that will hurt and be the final nail in the coffin but nothing like I am hurting now and have done for a number of years.

I was always an outsider but it feels like since not long after my DF died I have been really forcefully pushed out of my birth family. I am the reverse black sheep of the family. I could never ever imagine treating my children in the way I have been treated by my DM.

I imagine DM will feel less bad and justified if her will has been changed if her lack of awareness, manipulation tactics has worked and she successfully manages to push me away from her completely for good then she will feel justified. RR and DM’s attitude and behaviours has worked to some degree in that I have drastically cut down contact but like an animal who hasn’t quite learned its lesson every so often I go back give DM another chance, hope my absence has allowed her to miss me a little, reflect or figure out that she has hurt me. I give her another chance and at first she is nice warm and welcoming and I feel I may have got things wrong and I am in some way to blame then bam she catches me off guard and the punches begin (the digs, criticism, favouritism, barbed comments, game playing and unkindness) starts all over again. I feel bad for me and bad for my older DC who have no relationship with her and she maybe only sees them once or twice a year.

I am left angry at myself for feeling guilty and sad about our relationship that I go back yet again for more and worse of the same behaviour. I am also in disbelief (as I can’t believe DM would behave so hurtfully and heartlessly towards me yet again) and I am
sad that I never ever got to have a reciprocal loving relationship with my mother that I desperately wanted and tried hard to maintain. She has thrown away many chances of this partly because of her own upbringing and personality and because she has used guilt and game playing to control her family members (as well as being hoodwinked by RR and no doubt been dripping poison into my DM’s ear and shit stirring about me).

I wonder if some of these emotionally unavailable parents have an epiphany once their children stop chasing them? Do they realise they need to put the effort in?

😏

Unfortunately not! Most just get bitter and nasty

Mine does the nice, feeble, feel sorry for me, guilt trips and slowly reels me in again act. I think I must have imagined years of low lying nastiness, emotional abuse, game playing and favouritism. Then just when I have lowered my guard again…pow the bad behaviour always return’s and always takes me by surprise.