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Original poster

Did you lower your standards in dating as you got older?

29 replies

strippywheels · 31/08/2024 14:55

I feel like in many ways I have. When I was younger I put a lot of priority on how a guy looked / dressed, his grooming. By the time I was in my 30's I wanted a guy who could drive, had a car, had his own place and a decent job. Obviously I wanted them to be nice decent guys but I also wanted those other things and felt I could get them.

My last long term relationship of 8 years broke up in 2022 and after getting back on the apps in my 40's in 2023 I had a really awful time of it. The kind of men I'd say were my type and my equal in terms of having a house, a decent job, no debt, being able to drive, have a car etc were happy enough to sleep with me but made it pretty clear they weren't interested in a relationship with me.

Men my age who are nice people but very low income, no home (living in multiple occupancy homes), no savings, no car seem much more open to a serious relationship but as friends have pointed out I'll be doing all the heavy lifting financially if we ever move in together.

Should I lower my standards in this respect for a nice guy or are my friends right that I should be wary?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 31/08/2024 14:59

No don't lower your standards. It's quite normal in your twenties for both the man and the woman to not be financially secure but be working towards such. However, by your forties/fifties, it's more normal to expect a man to be solvent and have made a reasonable success of his career....if he hasn't then it's pretty unlikely he will. Yes I say man rather than woman here because by the time a woman is in her forties/fifties she may well have had her career and earning potential halted by having children.

Comedycook · 31/08/2024 15:02

And I think the concept of lowering your standards looks different for men and women. For men, lowering their standards generally means opting for less attractive women. For women, it means opting for less successful men.

Makelikeatreeandleaf · 31/08/2024 15:03

Au contraire. If I decided to go looking, my standards are so high I'd never find anyone.

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Pippifer · 31/08/2024 15:04

My preferences have changed I’d say, but my standards have got higher!

Ohfuckwhatdoidonow · 31/08/2024 15:04

No.
I settled for a "nice guy" he made my life very hard. Believe me, it grates when you've had years of stuff that's relatively small,being a huge issue, if they'd have had savings, or been more financially responsible.

It'll end up being your problem...

Financial responsibility should be way up there on your list of wants.

Comedycook · 31/08/2024 15:06

And it's perfectly fine to want a man who has his shit together career wise and who is solvent. I think there is a tendency for romanticising poor men...oh rich men are awful and mean but with a poor man it will be true love. It's nonsense.

Original poster
strippywheels · 31/08/2024 15:10

Comedycook · 31/08/2024 15:06

And it's perfectly fine to want a man who has his shit together career wise and who is solvent. I think there is a tendency for romanticising poor men...oh rich men are awful and mean but with a poor man it will be true love. It's nonsense.

Yeah I worry my bad experiences are causing me to do this a bit and over look other kinds of issues I am less familiar with.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 31/08/2024 15:14

All you are suggesting OP is looking for an equal.

That's perfectly expected.

A 40 yr old, in shared accommodation, no savings, no cash, no holidays, no being spoilt, no staying at their house so all the extra housework and food is always your problem,no picking you up, taking you out.

Fuck that.

Better off with a few dates and hot sex.
Then home to lovely cocklodger free house.

GingerPirate · 31/08/2024 15:32

That's a weird point, if I may, OP.
If I ever wanted to "date" again (45 yo, married), my standards would be sky high.
But for myself I can honestly say, I'm glad I'll never need to "date" anyone anymore.

DancingLions · 31/08/2024 15:56

Like others, my standards have raised rather than lowered.

A lot of these men who live in multi occupancy places, not a great job etc are looking for anyone they can latch onto to improve their situation. That's why they're so keen!

I don't OLD now but when I did, I initially tried to be open minded and give men like that a chance. I figured sometimes people just have bad luck in life and I shouldn't judge. But I soon realised what these men were after. They weren't interested in me specifically, I could have been anyone, they wanted a home, a partner to cook for them, on tap sex etc. I realised I was worth more than that.

Original poster
strippywheels · 31/08/2024 15:59

@GingerPirate Well as you are married the issue you may not know about is that past 40 the guys who are my "equal" are my age range and meet the standards I used to have don't seem to want a relationship with me and I'd say looks wise I am still pretty good.

So something has to give either I am ok with being someone's bit of fun or placeholder or I am someone's provider or I just give up!

OP posts:
Original poster
strippywheels · 31/08/2024 16:02

"A lot of these men who live in multi occupancy places, not a great job etc are looking for anyone they can latch onto to improve their situation. That's why they're so keen!"

@DancingLions This is what I am worried about, I've dated a couple of guys who aren't originally from the UK and have basically had to start from scratch in their 30's hence the fact they are still in shared accommodation in their 40's. In some ways these men from the continent have been refreshing and more romantic than UK guys which I enjoyed but I am aware that I am the one hosting and paying for everything.

OP posts:
Meatwallet · 31/08/2024 16:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

NavyDeer · 31/08/2024 16:03

No! Raise them don't lower them!

Original poster
strippywheels · 31/08/2024 16:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Do I detect a musty basement smell?

OP posts:
plasticmack · 31/08/2024 16:06

I read something interesting the other day and it resonated with me.

You can't be all things to all people. This goes for both men and women.

In my opinion you should prioritise what really matters to you and use that as a guideline to who you would like to spend your time with.

People are very rarely distributed in equal measures. Very caring and thoughtful people don't tend to be equally independent and driven. Those who are into sport, fitness and maintaining a certain body type most probably won't spend equal time on reading books or going to the cinema say. Someone who really loves serious travelling won't also use all spare cash on his car for instance.

Obviously there are exceptions to the rule, but on the whole I'd say this is how things go.

cheezncrackers · 31/08/2024 16:09

I would never get together with anyone who couldn't afford to pay his way for shared activities. It's so important to be with someone who is your equal and who has and can afford to share the same interests as you. I just couldn't respect some bloke who always needed me to pay for him. Even if he was really hot and really nice, over time that attraction would quickly wane if he was skint. It depends what you want from life I suppose. How do you like to spend your time? Are you happy doing cheap things like going for a walk and eating in, or do you like do things that mean a certain level of income is needed?

Meatwallet · 31/08/2024 16:11

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AnonyLonnymouse · 31/08/2024 16:14

plasticmack · 31/08/2024 16:06

I read something interesting the other day and it resonated with me.

You can't be all things to all people. This goes for both men and women.

In my opinion you should prioritise what really matters to you and use that as a guideline to who you would like to spend your time with.

People are very rarely distributed in equal measures. Very caring and thoughtful people don't tend to be equally independent and driven. Those who are into sport, fitness and maintaining a certain body type most probably won't spend equal time on reading books or going to the cinema say. Someone who really loves serious travelling won't also use all spare cash on his car for instance.

Obviously there are exceptions to the rule, but on the whole I'd say this is how things go.

I think there’s probably some truth in this.

OP, it might be that you have to look at a slightly older man?

anareen · 31/08/2024 16:19

If you lower your standards will you be happy? I don't think you should compromise your happiness.

I have happily barred relationships from my life. I can't wait to be the lady with cats 👏🏻😊

Original poster
strippywheels · 31/08/2024 16:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Sorry I don't give oxygen to trolls, you could of replied in the affirmative without being creepy.

OP posts:
Original poster
strippywheels · 31/08/2024 16:27

cheezncrackers · 31/08/2024 16:09

I would never get together with anyone who couldn't afford to pay his way for shared activities. It's so important to be with someone who is your equal and who has and can afford to share the same interests as you. I just couldn't respect some bloke who always needed me to pay for him. Even if he was really hot and really nice, over time that attraction would quickly wane if he was skint. It depends what you want from life I suppose. How do you like to spend your time? Are you happy doing cheap things like going for a walk and eating in, or do you like do things that mean a certain level of income is needed?

I suppose I wouldn't be happy with always doing cheap or free things, I still like to get dressed up and go somewhere nice, or to go on holiday. I don't mind paying my fair share or even treating the other person at times but it is also nice to be the one being treated as well on occasion.

OP posts:
username44416 · 31/08/2024 16:31

Does it have to be one extreme or the other?

Can't you find a nice, kind, gentle, considerate man who you can go on nice dates with and see how it goes? As for the future, if you choose to buy, then ring fence what you put in or buy by yourself.

As I've got older I'm more interested in someone kind and loving, someone funny who enjoys the same interests. It's ok if he can't buy me diamonds or lunch in Paris as long as I'm not expected to carry him.

LikeWeUsedToBe · 31/08/2024 16:36

If anything I got more picky with age. I like you changed what I wanted a few years ago and the bastard married me abused me then tried to take my house. Not a sign he was like that till we were married but it was rushed as wanted kids. Now I have kids I'd rather be single than risk my kids inheritance. I think you collect let a man move in if you choose op but make it clear they pay half the bills and you are leaving your house to someone else/won't be getting married for them to have a claim. You may be surprised how many men distance themselves if that's the reality. If you are in your 40s are you planning kids? I would only get married for the financial security if having kids and even then I don't think I would ever do it again when I'm the one with more assets

Meadowfinch · 31/08/2024 16:37

No, I've raised my standards with experience.

Now kindness, good sense of humour, generosity with their time, and general consideration for others come much higher up the list.

The financial side doesn't really matter because while I'd be happy to have a relationship with someone new, I'll never co-own a house with anyone. Living together would have to wait until after my DS has left for university, and even then, I'd never sell my house because it is still ds' home and will be for at least another 5 years, more likely 10 years. It would be firmly ringfenced.

Basic stuff like occasional meals out, annual holidays and tickets to concerts, I expect any adult over the age of 22 to be able to pay their share.