I've been invited to something late DH would have loved to do

[Cushionblock]

We were married for nearly 30 years, he was a good man, but there's no getting away from the fact that I did all the "wife work". Mostly it was just how it was, sometimes it frustrated me, especially the way that if I didn't organise things, anything from a holiday to a walk in the park, we'd have never gone anywhere.

There's a sporting event that every year, when watching on TV, DH used to say he'd love to go. I'd have happily gone with him, but I wasn't interested enough to organise it, so it never happened.

Now a (male, not sure if that makes a difference) friend has invited me to go. He's organising the tickets and other arrangements. Any other event, I'd go without thinking about it, but this feels disloyal.

I need to get over it, go and have a nice time, right?

You do. Go. Free yourself from the guilt - sounds like it's your reward for all the wife work!

I lost my DP in Jan 2018. I'd always wanted to go to Rome so on DPs birthday I sat in baking heat in the most beautiful church courtyard listening to an orchestra playing film theme music.. DP would have absolutely loved it... 💙

It's not disloyal - your husband could have gone. He didn't want to do it enough to organise it!
But grief gets you in ways and st times you don't expect, so if it's maki g you feel bad, then you don't have to go. The point is to have a good time, so if you believe it's not possible, then don't put yourself through it.
But, if you think that you will have fun, then remember that, in going, you aren't taking anything away from your husband. It's not a reflection of love or loyalty - it's just you trying to build a life for yourself because you are still here.

Just say you don't ask me to go anywhere, if anyone asks me to go somewhere I want to go, I'm going.

You can’t live in the past.

Fo you feel disloyal because you’re going with a male friend, ie not your husband, or because husband always wanted to go? Is it just you and friend, or a group of you going? Or do you feel guilty at having fun after your husband has passed away?

Whatever the reason, give yourself permission to enjoy life and go and have fun.

Enjoy, you only get one life!

You do.

Have a nice time!

Go and enjoy it. Nice way to think about DH while you're there.

Yes, go and have a great time!

What?! Did you actually read the op?

And just who is @Cushionblock meant to say that to ?

Do you actually want to go to this particular event? I'm assuming you are not that interested anyway otherwise you'd have done the wife work and organised it with your late husband?

ive been with my DH for 25 years now and in your situation I don't think I would go either. Not really because of guilt, but I think all of the emotions associated with the event would make it very hard to enjoy anyway.

It's going to something that DH would have loved, but ran out of time to do. Possibly also a bit of guilt that I didn't make it happen for him, as this kind of thing was my role in our relationship - he did pull his weight in many other ways.

It's not a burning ambition but yes, I'd definitely go and enjoy it.

Go!! And don't feel guilty.

There's absolutely nothing for you to feel disloyal about - as pp said, your late DH could have arranged to go.

However, you say it's not something you've ever been particularly interested in so the question is whether any enjoyment you will get out of going will be outweighed/cancelled out by feeling sad about how much your dh would have enjoyed being there. Only you can know that.

But if you will enjoy the company of your male friend regardless of the occasion then you should definitely go!

I’d definitely go if it was something I’d enjoy , you can’t live in the past . Enjoy yourself . What is it btw ?

It wasn't your responsibility to make this happen for your dh. Even if you did the majority of the wife work, he was still an adult, with the capability of organising it himself, if he really wanted to do something.
You shouldn't feel bad for not being able to give a person absolutely everything they may have fancied doing - you did plenty. Your job was to love your husband, which you did, not to facilitate every aspect of his life.

Life goes on, OP, and I hope your DH would have wanted you to enjoy your life to the full.

I hope you have a great time.

Do you have any idea what “late husband” means? Do you realise what this is about?

Oh OP I'd go without guilt. I'd reframe it as doing something undone on his behalf. It isn't disloyal, if anything it's a sign that things are as they should be. You are allowed to enjoy yourself. Give yourself permission to do so x

I totally understand this. My DH and I have always wanted to travel overseas to watch a Grand Prix. Never done it yet as busy working and raising children. But if suddenly something happened to him before we had chance to actually organise it and do it, and then after he died I was given the chance to go with someone else, I would also feel a bit weird about it. In some ways it would feel a little 'wrong' doing something that we wanted to do together. But at the end of the day I think ultimately, my DH would not want me to miss out on doing things I would enjoy because of him. He would want me to go on with my life and he would want me to go.

You cannot live in the past and we only get one go at this life, so I would say that I think you should go for it. If you want to go and will enjoy yourself then go and have a good time.

Read the thread title again, and this time read all of the words. In particular, the word ‘late’.

I think you should do it, but I do find it hard doing things that my late DH would have enjoyed because I can’t help but be sad that he isn’t here doing it too. We have to live our lives alongside our grief though, so, if it is something you want to do, go and try to enjoy it.

Please go and have a wonderful time.

Since DH can't be there in the flesh, take his picture or something so he can go in spirit, should he have a mind to do so.